Thoughts.com Blogs - A fresh start with the past?

Things have gotten kind of weird. 2 weeks ago BD and I got into a fight. He kept saying that he wanted us to be together and be a family but he also said the he was staying down south and wanted me to move to where he is. I told him that I didn't want to move where he is but I was willing to compromise. I got the impression that he wasn't. So, I decided to let go. I would rather start dealing with the hurt now rather than wait until after our daughter is born and find out that we were just wasting our time. When I didn't answer my phone he left me a voice mail saying that I shouldn't even bother to put his name on the birth certificate. I know he was mad at the time but it gave me the anger I needed not to call or text him back. I am putting his name on it anyway. My daughter is going to know at least the name of her father if she can't know him personally. Also, I am probably going to go after him for child support.

Then he does the unexpected. After a week and a half of no contact, he texts me and says that he still loves me and thinks about me all the time. He said all the right things. He even said that he didn't want to be with anyone else because he wasn't over me and he still has hope that we can be together. It was very sweet and made me feel good inside but deep down I know that it won't work between us. He is still set on living far away and I have found that I am still so angry at him for the things that happened in the past that I don't trust him at all. I don't feel secure and stable with him. I still love him so much and it still hurts not to be with him but I'm working on getting past that.

Being single for the first time in 10 years has taught me how to be a stronger person. I only have myself to depend on and to lean on. It has given me the strength to say no to BD when I know that he doesn't not have my or his daughter's best interest at heart. I have learned how not to jump into relationships and to know when I deserve better.

Here comes the twist in the story. I was married not to long ago to a really nice guy. He treated me like a queen, I trusted him completely, he was genuine and sincere. We got divorced about a year ago. We had only been married for 16 months and had known each other for a total of 2 years. We rushed things too much. Anyway, we have kept in contact because we still get along pretty well and still care about each other. Last night he started texting me. It began innocent and then he started talking about how he still fantasizes all the time about being with me sexually again. I admitted that I still think about him and dream about him. He asked if we could meet up and have a little tryst. I went and picked him up, he had been at the bar and couldn't drive. We went back to my place and started talking about life, memories and the future. He thinks it's great that I'm pregnant and he even finds it sexy. We held hands and cuddled in bed but didn't do anything more. It felt so good just to be with him again. The reason I didn't initiate sex with him was because I was a little nervous and he admitted that it was messing with his head a little bit because it felt so good to be with me and that he didn't want to leave me. I don't want to rush things and I want him to have a clear head and conscience before we go any further. I am not expecting anything from him other than friendship so my head is perfectly clear about the whole thing.

He went on a trip this weekend and I think it is a good thing. It will get him away from everything and hopefully help him figure out what he wants.