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| 7/4-7/5/2009 Just another Day |
I am mixing my entries because it isnt like much happened anyways. On the fourth of july i woke up dreading what the day might have to bring. I washed my face, brushed my teeth got my baby ready to go and dressed for the day. I dont think i have mentioned how much i love my baby, he is my life. I think he is the reason i am still here actually i know he is the reason i am still here. He makes me laugh and he takes away my pain. I wonder how long this will last. I am just wishing all the clouds wil lfinally just disappear into the nothingness of it all. I dont think im such a bad woman that i deserve to be treated like garbage....but i am not going to go into that today, at least i am going to try not to. I feel myself sinking deeper and deeper into this state of depression. My doctor has given me anti depressants but i dont take them, they make me feel like i cant breath i think...or maybe im losing my mind. I have so many botteled up feelings i feel that if i try to let it out i am going to explode or implode, one of those. I have no female friends or friends for that matter. My bf was supposed to be my friend. He was supposed to treat me like a princess. love me cherish me and take care of me until the time comes that we are no longer on this earht. I am just at that point in my life that i feel there is no turning back. I want someone to love me. Maybe the reason i feel like this is becuase moy father never loved me the way i needed to be loved or maybe all the rapes. Maybe these experiences make me stupid enough to put up with this shit i call my life. I am so scared one day i am going to wake up dead inside and be no good for my son...
Moving on, i didnt see fireworks, i didint eat much bbq, i didnt spend time with family i was just kind of there.
Have you ever wondered if anyone could see how you were really feeling deep down inside? Have you ever been scared to go around people for fear that they would see the hurt that you try to desprately to hide.
My soul is battered and bruised. I am a broken woman. A broken women with emotional broken bones and scars. I am only 24 but i have the hurt of many. I know there are people out there in a worse situation than i but i am living this right here right now. This is my life , this is my story. My life.
All of my entries will be raw and uncut and i do not mean to offend. My entries will seem random because my thoughts are random. Some of them will not make sense and they arent supposed to. My life doesnt make sense...
SEX
so he wont cheat. or so i tell myself. i feel like sex is......sometimes im scared to write how i feel on here because i fear he will see it ....
**breathe**
OK so i feel as if i am foreced sometimes. he can go from treating me like shit, putting his hands on me to wanting to fuck my brains out....sex is not what it used to be most definately not....
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Posted by MissPrissy on 2009-07-05 21:47:01 | Rating: | Views: 58
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