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| Want to know what its like to lose half your soul? |
Hello,
I was just lying in bed thinking about Katty. The past is dictating my thoughts making it difficult to sleep. I thought maybe if I wrote about her and got a few things off my mind, I may then be able to sleep.
Katty was one of those few saints. She was so smart, witty, and inspiring. She went out of her way to help people and she seemed to always be in control of her life. I admired her more than anything.
We both were born with heart defects but no one realized how bad hers was until it was to late. Do you know what it feels like to lose half your soul? I lost my twin and that was worse then losing my soul.
I kept asking why her? She was such a better person then me, her future would have been remarkable. SHE DESERVED TO LIVE! WHY NOT ME!
She would have saved lives. Katty was going to be a doctor. In her name, I will try to save as many people as I can. I will try to help as many people as I can. I may not be able to physically save them but I will try to help them and I will never stop trying.
Every time I help someone, it feels like she is close to me. Like she is still sort of with me. I need that feeling. I only help people to feel closer to my dead sister. I know its selfish but I am not willing to let go... not yet.
The day she died, a teacher at school kept the news from me. She made me finish her test before she told me. It was like there was a battle in my heart; between being completely lost in anger or completely full of sorrow. To the teachers defense she didn't know it was my sister.... she thought it was bad news but she didn't know. God, did I hate her.
I was sedated that whole week. I broke every mirror. I hated my face. It was constant reminder of her. No one could look at me. My parents couldn't look at me. Do you know what that is like? This wasn't my face, this was hers. I DID NOT DESERVE IT! I should of been the one in the casket.
All this happened about 4 years ago. The day I lost her was the day I lost myself. I couldn't handle looking like her. To escape, I dyed my hair black and realized how much I liked the dark look. Followed by dark eyeliner, dark eye shadow, dark clothes... I hid inside myself. I hid within my sorrow and somehow I was protected. I still am.
After her death, I did a lot of things I regretted. It taught me a lot about life. I learned from my mistakes and it was so fucking hard. Like living a nightmare... only worse.
Even when I gave up... I was fighting. Fighting to not lose myself.
Eventually... I was able to face that person in the mirror.
If you love someone, tell them. You never know what could happen.
*Miss Nightmare*
Her favorite band was creed.... now I know why.
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Posted by MissNightmare on 2009-11-07 00:45:30 | Rating: | Views: 95
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