Part I.
Today I spent the beginning of my day with Greg. I went over to his house and well...we had fun. What happened, happened...and I can't deny that I was happy there, because I really was. Being with him is so comfortable. It feels so good when you can find someone that feels comfortable with you too. Well, for background info. Me and Greg (Greg and I, whatever...^_^) have been together for a year and nine months. We were best friends for a year before that. And we're very serious about each other. =] There goes the background info.

Like most couples, we've gone through problems time and time again, sometimes going back to old things and somethings bumping into new things. Either way, we've found a way of working things out for the long run.

Part II.
I used to study the Bible with Jehovah's Witnesses. I have all my life, but my parents are Catholic. I have a babtized sister and another one who studies the Bible as well, and my brother doesn't. Religion used to be a big problem in our family; arguments arose, fights broke out, and well...it was scary, lol. But then, things calmed down. I think my sisters did some growing up and so did my parents, even though it was too late for them, lol. That's the religion background, basically.

My parents never wanted any of their children studying the Bible. They're proud of my brother in THAT sense. And they're proud of my sisters too, but they wish they had followed the family tradition. Anyway, the way I came across Jehovah's Witnesses, is because my uncle was one. He was my mom's brother. Since I was about 5, he'd come and tell me and my siblings about paradise, and the concept of nice and happy things. We were attracted to it from the start, and that's how all 3 of my siblings and I, started studying the Bible. My parents never knew he taught us things. Then again, they never listened to us kids, because they though (and still mistakenly think) that children don't have thoughts of their own. They think that...well...kids just play and eat and sleep. They think questions aren't asked because in their own families they never did. Anyway, then my uncle died when I was 9 in a car accident, and my siblings and I were left to study the Bible on our own.

We did, for a long time. My 2 sisters got babtized, being the oldest, and that caused a lot of problems. Then my brother and I kept studying but he strayed from it because he was attracted to boxing. We all were changing and growing at the same time, so our personalities were no longer of little eager children to learn...my brother pursued boxing, my oldest sister pursued relationships, my second oldest sister pursued success and spirituality, and I didn't know what I pursued. I was younger.

Finally, when I started high school I began studying the Bible regularly and my sister, the one that was "good", haha, (we often teased her about being a goody2shoes) started conducting my informal, hidden Bible studies. I loved her and still love her for that. She was a great teacher and she made me a great girl. She made me a peace-seeker and she made my heart a really really big one so that I could love the Bible a lot.

Part III.
Then, I found Greg.

That was 9th grade. I studied all ninth grade and we were best friends but religion never really came up. It was still kinda weird for both of us, talking about that. Then in 10th grade he asked me out. I kept studying behind my parent's back, and I kept being with Greg behind both my sisters' AND parents' back. I was confused but I also knew that I would get to love Greg the way I do now. I told him I studied the Bible but he never knew what it required of me. He didn't know the standards I needed to meet. He had never touched a Bible. We came from two different worlds, in that sense.

On August 2007, the summer going to 11th grade, I told him about Jehovah's Witnesses and by then we both had lost our virginities to each other, so, I told him I had to straighten up about everything. He agreed but I wanted more...I wanted him to study the Bible with me too. For whoever might read this, I don't know if you've ever felt as if something is for your great benefit and happiness, but, if you have, then you'll know that this is the way I felt about studying and pursuing this religion. I wasn't doing it to please anyone. It's the kind of thing that can only keep you happy if you do it for yourself, at least, eventually. I loved Greg so much, and that day it had hit me that, I wanted a life with him; a happy life. I wanted us both to go to paradise, like the Bible promises.

I think I finally convinced him after a long time. He studied for about a week or two. But the guy who conducted his study told him that he should have his mom's permission first, because he didn't feel right going behind Greg's mom to teach him things she doesn't want him to. I don't really know if his mom cares much, but, Greg said she wouldn't like it. So he stopped studying. And then...after a while, my promise to Jehovah was lost, and I wasn't the same anymore. I was happy with Greg but when he was gone, the burden of myself killed me. I knew I wanted more. I knew it. I just wanted to keep Greg so much that I sacrificed my life for it. My faith was my life, and it was gone pretty soon.

It was hard to see my sister realizing that I didn't want this anymore. It was hard because part of me did, but I knew he didn't...and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to convince him...I prayed and prayed and I cried, and I just hoped he would realize that it was worth to give it a shot. He never wanted to, though. He doesn't smoke, or drink, or curse...he's decent.But, =[ sadly, he said no. He avoided it. So, then, I avoided my sister. I stopped studying and if I did, I'd study every now and then. But to this day, I miss it.
 
Part IV.

So, just like my oldest sister, I let myself go for a relationship. For sex. If sex wasn't involved and so hard to resist, then, I wouldn't be having trouble. At least not this much. But I've made the same mistake over and over, and each time that I want to repent, it gets harder. I want Jehovah to be with me, to help me, and I want the congregation to inspire me and support me...I want all those things...but, will I be losing Greg?

I told myself I would. And then I stooped down one more level. I told myself that I'd live life and enjoy everything and wouldn't worry about the future. Yet, that's not what you do when you love someone. Every day I worry about Greg when he's out, even if he's not doing anything, which I know he's not. The world we live in is so infested by harm and danger, and tonight, after I was done talking to him on the phone, I thought about our day today. I love him. He asked me to marry him one day, lol. I smiled and nodded, and even though it seemed like a joke, I've been serious about it ever since we first joked about it. Greg is not someone I want to change. I'm not trying to change him. But, the more I love him, the more this grows, the more I worry. The more I care what happens to both of us. Life is here, and life is crazy. If something happens to him or me, I want us both to rest assured that we'll see each other. All I want is hope of having him one day, in a world where I won't have to worry anymore. Where I will be secure with him. That's all I want. Tonight I was crying because a while ago, when we were having a talk, he said, "I want you to know that I probably will never study again...do you still want to be with me?". I told him yes. I'm too weak to say no.

Now I've thought about today over and over. It was great, it was fun...but, it won't last forever. Sex lasts for only so long and then comes life. Then comes consequences. And as I understand it, Armaggeddon is near. I don't want either of us to be seperated by death. I want us to do okay. Does anyone here understand? Is anyone here sympathetic of this feeling?

I worry about not seeing him the next day, I worry about his safety, about his life, about his happiness, about everything...I worry. I'm tired of it.

So as I cried, I told myself that tomorrow I'd tell him how I'm feeling. I won't beg him, I won't ask him to do it once again, I'll just tell him how and why I feel a certain way. I'll do it. I know rejection is possible, and I'll cry more after that, but, at least...at least I tried, right? I just want to do the right thing for both of us, I want to save our lives. I don't care if I'm restricted from him now; now is only temporary. I can do it if I know I'll have him later forever.

I feel horrible right now. I feel drained and tired and I'm gonna stop writing now. The point is, I want to study the Bible again, and I want to push us forward. I know a man with faith can carry more than himself if he tries. I hope I can do that. I've been trying to, in my heart, if not in my actions, for a VERY long time. I think I've been hoping since the day I met him.