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| She says the truth ?! |
Being here, I have tried many times to just tell the truth and not lie to myself. I Guess it goes like this ...
I have been in a three year realationship and i'm only 16. I love him, I really do, i'm just kinda scared of passing up the chance to be 16.
Oh yeah. It has ALWAYS been a long distance realationship. To make things harder, he's now in the Air force and stationed in JAPAN. I support him and his decision, but i'm scared.
About two years ago, I met a boy whose name be Jeremy. Jeremy made me feel ontop of the world, I felt like I should have felt. But I knew it was all wrong because he said, "I love you" three weeks after meeting. Even I knew it was a lie. Little did I know, I fell in love with him too late. He left because he found someone else. Which I get. I do. I just wish my feelings would have been shot in their personified face :/
I've done things within my relationship that i'm not proud of, but the worst that's happened was a kiss. A kiss. I told him after, feeling guilty. Things of course got messy. I did something wrong, but I knew what right thing to do.
No, wait. I lied. Of course. The worst thing was Jordan, but I won't explain. No, I did not sleep with him. Things that could have lead to that happened, but since I have AMAZING self control, nothing horrible really happened.
When Kiefer went on to Basic Training for the Air Force, I found his "best friend" on Myspace. Now, best friend was in quotes because I guess Kiefer hates him or SOMETHING now. Anyway, that is Justin. Yes, those of you who read my blog a lot know about Justin's existance. Kinda.
We became friends, and I have grown to like him more than I should. I tend to cringe whenever I say that because I feel so horrible.
He's also away. Well, all my friends are away. The closest friend I have is two hours away. Lame, huh ? But the point is, we just talk. His conversational and writing skills are amazing and admirable.
I am the only one within this friendship that "likes" the other. Which is good. Very, very, good.
So, some of you know that now I have his number. If not, refer to my blog "Someone should have warned me ...". Explains it all.
The worst thing, I PLOT ways to talk to him because i'm too scared to just initiate conversation. Aurelia LOVES to hear about this, she thinks it's quite funny. Haha, very funny >.>
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As for who I am REALLY. I'm basically who I appear to be; An anxoius stupid loser who tends to be a bit vien.
I have this amazing self control and I have discovered this recently.
There is really no way to describe how much I want to go drink right now. Nah, I don't want to cut. I know, I used to want to so bad. But I think it's more of a night thing. I can't do things like that during the day. It makes me feel even more sick.
Oh, in case this has confused you, I haven't cut in two years. Doesn't mean I don't want to.
I am able to be open about it now because I know it was stupid and there is no point in denying I was being stupid. I was never that girl that cut for attention. No one knew about it. That doesn't make me better than them either though. And I know that. I did it purely as a masochist and only so.
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As a four year old, a nine year old forced a kiss on me. I think that is the start of my eye contact phobia. No, not traumatic, just disgusting to think about.
When I was about twelve my mom got cancer. Breast cancer.
I shut down emotionally at 12 and was depressed. I shudder thinking about it, I hated being "there".
At 12, yet again, someone tried to force a kiss on me. Not that any of this is traumatic, but it keeps adding on to my eye contact phobia >.o
13, I began my relationship with Kiefer.
13 ... I was molested ...
13, My mom got cancer in the lining of her ovaries.
14, I hated her when she kicked my Boyfriend out of the state (Practiacally). I know, I was being a stupid teenager. But things kept happening and that's when I found out I truely was anxiety ridden. it was the same year when I met Jeremy and I started to cut.
15, My mom got Breat cancer again. For about six months or more I had anxiety attacks about everyday.
16, Here I am. Finally making right of what has happened to me. Making "me" right. Making sure I can get by. I'm finally trying to take care of myself.
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Don't flatter yourself, I did not write this just so you know how "bad" things have been for me. I could have gotten way worse.
I wrote this for the simple fact that i'm no longer going to lie to myself. There is no reason for me to hide this. That's lying to myself all over again.
Sure, that's not all that's happened in my life. But those are things I continue to get over or have gotten over.
And yeah, I still have it pretty good. I'm not complaining.
I have two parent that I do love. There are things they have done I don't forgive them for, but we have to move on, don't we ?
I have great friends, they're just far away ._.
And I have a mind of my own. I think about so many things day and night. Without my thoughts, I would rather be dead. My thoughts are my own, and they keep me safe. They keep me happy. They are "my own little world within".
Well ...
Goodbye.
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Posted by Michix on 2009-10-11 17:06:18 | Rating: | Views: 114
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