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| Anxiety and it all. |
Disclaimer: This is a post about my rather sick day. Don't read if you just don't like personal posts. Plus, it's quite unorganized because i'm "venting".
I woke up thinking today would be alright, even if I did fall asleep by having an anxiety attack the night before. I really believed I was safe and I wasn't going to be so "sick".
I guess you cannot call me sick, but you can't call me healthy.
Lately, I don't eat very much at all. I do not know the reason why, but maybe it's my masochistic way creeping up on me.
Everytime I eat or think of eating, I feel sick.
Not only that, my blood sugar gets very low because of not eating and I might just collapse. Almost fainted today.
My back hurt, I could not move any part of my back with it feeling as if I got hit by a truck.
I was on the brink of an anxiety attack all day because i'm trying to decide whether or not I should break it off with Kiefer or not.
We have this kind of relationship where we avoid all our issues, smile and say, "I love you". We are both too unstable to leave one another.
I do love him, I do, but ... i'm getting so stressed about things I shouldn't worry about at 16. I'm destroying my body because of it all.
Yes, i'm a masochist. But I don't want my WHOLE body to hurt.
I'm going to have to talk to him about the issues we hide this weekend and i'm so afraid of it. I'm afraid to go to bed and lie there, thinking about it.
Not only that, Jeremy IMed me the other day. this is something i've been wishing for for so long. But, now ... ? I'm stressed and anxious beyond belief. I don't want to think about how much I want him back.
Now i've come to find that Patrick likes me. Though, he isn't an asshole like all the other guys i've surrounded myself with in the past. I hate that I like him. I hate that i've been broken down so much, that I feel so guilty for liking him. I keep thinking that he deserves MUCH better. But, how can I say that when I haven't even found myself ? Oh, that's right, I know my past and my actions.
I'm coming back to that place. That place in which an anxiety attack is my "sleeping pill". I bite my pillow trying not to make a sound, I avoid clawing at my waist for lack of something to destroy and i'm irrationally scared.
To top it all off, I keep thinking of how happy Kiefer is right now thinking that we're forever. I really don't know if i'd be able to handle what his reaction will be to our "talk". Four years, and i've yet to have a backbone in our relationship. Four years, and I'm the stable one in this relationship. I'm not even that stable to begin with. That's saying something.
I'm beat and I do not feel good. It's hard to breath.
I don't even like writing all this, but ... All of the ones I want to have around to listen to my troubles are so far away. So, i'll try doing this. I don't know if this will even work, but I have to try something, right ?
I know pills are frowned upon by so many. I know it's not an instant fix. But, maybe being put on valium could give the the right "push" into being more calm. I'm going to talk to my mom about it, and I hope that it all works out.
I'm very sorry.
Thanks for reading if you did.
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Posted by Michix on 2009-11-04 18:22:34 | Rating: | Views: 97
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