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what's going on with me

Well, Once again i'm getting accuse of saying shit about people when i never done it. I really don't understand why people have to start trouble with me again have you not learn you're lesson yet and everything. All this drama is starting to get to me and it's bring up my stress level and i'm not sure i'm liking that all to much and everything. I just don't know what to do anymore and it's something that i need to always be looking out for because i'm just tried of the games that get play in my head and everything if you know what i mean.

I just don't know if i should just disappear because i think that would make a lot of people happy and they won't jump down my throat about my blogs and how i'm feeling and everything like that if you know what i'm talking about. I just don't want to be taking advantage of anymore and i just want my own life back and it's hard on me because i'm always busy and it's not my fault anymore and i just wish people and i'm not going to say any names but would stop judged me and just learn more things about me and my personality and everything that comes with it. I just thought this was a free world to write about what i wanted to and everything.

I guess i'm wrong about my life and it's not something i'm proud of because i'm sure as you know that things are hard on me and i'm trying to get my life back that james hill took from me and now i'm not sure anymore because life just fucking crazy for me right now and it's somehing that i never thought would get worse for me and shit like that. I sometimes wonder what it would be like if i did not have no problems at all and i like the ideal but if i have to lose my friends over it then why don't i need that in my life i just don't know anymore. I'm not trying to lose any friendships but i do think that most people take my friendship and abused it if you know what i'm talking about and everything. I'm tried of living a lie about my relationships and i just don't know what to feel anymore and it drives me nuts now and i hate it once again.

I can't wait for the weekend because i'll get to out again and have a good time and not have to worry about all the drama that happen over the last weekend and it's going to be fucking awsome because i might get to see my cousin tony again and i'm hoping if you know what i mean. I just don't feel anything anymore in my heart and i know i'm still hurting from my past relationships but i should not take it out on my friends that are there for me if you know what i mean. I just want to feel like i matter to people but i guess i don't. I just have all the feelings that go through my mind because i have things that need to be figured out but anyway i just don't feel the same anymore and i also feel like i don't feel that i'm the same person anymore.

I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin anymore. I feel that i need to work out and have some fun because i'm sure you know what i mean. I just don't like people accusing me of things that i never fucking do and was not even in the room when it all went down and it's fucking bull shit if you ask me and everything. I just don't understand why people treat me like shit all the fucking time and it's something that i'm always going to get blame for if you know what i mean again. I actually i just don't feel like things are going my way again because all this games that people are playing with me are fucking mind games if you know what i mean.

I just want my feelings to matter to someone because that is what i really want and everything. I just don't know why things always have to turn up the wrong way and it's not about how i really feel deep down inside of my heart and soul and everything. I just want to know what love really is and how it feels to have that someone loving you and totally always there for you and it's something i have not felt in like 2 years. I just don't know why all this happen for a reason but sometimes i have to go with my heart and i have to listen to my heart because that is something i have to learn how to do if you know what i mean. I just don't feel like things are very going to change with me and this one girl. I'm sorry that i've ever say anything to her because we were close friends but i'm not sure that is ever going to happen again.

Sometimes i think about what could of happen if james never played me like he did. would we still be together and happy as ever i'm not sure about that anymore. I mean i still miss him but i know that they won't ever be in us anymore and it's alright because i've totally understand things about him that i never knew that i could ever understand him and everything. I just really hope that he does change his life around so he knows that i'm always going to be friends with him but i'm not sure if i'll ever go back out with him again because i don't want to get treated like his ex wife did and everything. I'm like a queen who has feelings and everything.

I'm totally sorry for the shit that has happen. But sometimes i can't take back things that goes on in my mind or in my head and its something i'm going to have to work on and everything. I just don't want to screw things up or even fuck them up if you know what i'm talking about. I just don't want to be the bad person anymore and it's up to me to make things right because my mom and dad did not raise a fool and i'm not going to be all that mad about things.

I'm going to end this here, I'll write more tomorrow, I'll keep everyone updated on how things are going with me bye for now.