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| I don't belong here any more
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If I ever did, that is.
This Monday, for the first time in 18 months I taught a class again. I thought I never would. My health and my sensitivities had taken me to another place with myself. But yet I taught, encouraged out of enforced retirement by an ex-student of mine.
It was beautiful, so right, so powerful and so fulfilling.
Yet... there's a very tangible gap between my energy and other people's energy. I mean this in the sense that I (or they, or both) don't seem to be able to bridge this energetic gap and relate to people in the close way that others do.
Everyone else (it seems) has someone they can confide in, someone to have a giggle wih, someone to invite round for coffee, no strings attached. I don't.
It's not for lack of trying, but it just doesn't happen.
Take Monday for example, a lovely day, nothing wrong... but people waited until I'd left the room before they cracked a joke or said what they'd felt energetically during the class.
I crack jokes... some bad, some not so bad... I smile, I'm welcoming and warm.. so people say... so what is it?
Do I smell? Makes me wonder.
Thing is, this has been happening all my life, living on the periphery.
I hear glowing words said about me... people say how helpful and sensitive I am, how I was there for them... etc etc.
It's lovely, but in reality, I'm no-one's best mate... in fact I often feel used. Does that make sense to you?
People come, take what they need and go again.
What I'm trying to say, not very eloquently, is that I don't feel like I belong here, I never have.
I'm not about to do anything silly... been there, done that, too many times before... I've come to realise something always steps in the way and stops me going.
It seems I'm meant to be here, in this dimension, but what the heck for? I'm still trying to work it out.
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Posted by Merlyn on 2008-02-14 07:05:05 | Rating: | Views: 168
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I think what you are doing is a healing source for others, yet they are too afraid to be real. So many people are afraid of what the "teacher" would think......You belong to God and this world. Never ever doubt that what you do is a Gift from God above.....Hugs and energy to you friend.
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Posted by Hollis
on 2008-02-14 07:25:41
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You have friends here. Maybe you should let go of seeking why you are here and just 'be' here? What you do seems to be working for others, so accept it at that. That may seem too simplistic, but the best things always are.
Namaste
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Posted by scotslad60
on 2008-02-14 08:50:16
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Hollis, my friend... thank you. If only they knew that 90% of me is student, taught by my students. We all have a 10% that's teacher,if we didn't, how would we learn from each other? It's more a case of 'sharing' than 'teaching'.
What thoughts is doing for many of us is, indeed a gift from God.
Blessings and hugs xx
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Posted by Merlyn
on 2008-02-14 16:16:58
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scar, I do hope you've plenty of time on your hands and a bottomless pot of coffee!! I accept, thank you :-) xx
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Posted by Merlyn
on 2008-02-14 16:19:04
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Jim, you're right as always. I know you're right, and most of the time I live with the status quo. I guess I just got a bit triggered ths week.
Hugs... xxx
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Posted by Merlyn
on 2008-02-14 16:20:50
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I get the feeling that maybe your students respect you as a teacher, which means they aren't quite brave enough yet to act asthough you are friends, but then maybe they are picking up your energy that you are a little unsure of yourself and maybe a little nervous.
I'm not very good at making friends anymore, i used to be, but in the real world i just can't seem to click with people anymore
your not alone honey xx
big hugs xx
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Posted by missmarie
on 2008-02-22 07:43:04
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I agree marie, making friends seems to get harder as I get older, and maybe more cynical... or possibly a bit more defensive? Anyway, I'll have to settle for life on the perimeter. It's not so bad really when you get to drop the expectations.
Thanks for writing here, I truly value your concern. Hugs, Melyn xx
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Posted by Merlyn
on 2008-02-22 18:46:23
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you don't need to thank me, my visits to thoughts may be a little less than it was but i still worry about my friends and check on them when ever i get the chance to xxx hugs honey, xxxx
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Posted by missmarie
on 2008-02-23 19:44:02
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