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| Weekend Diary - mood swings
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Friday:
I had my second date last night with Colt 45. We met at a Spanish/Moroccan “tapas” (small plates) bar/restaurant in my neighborhood. We sat at the bar and had a few glasses of wine and then moved to a table for dinner. After dinner, we went to a local bar where I had never been before, but will definitely return. Not only was my favorite beer (Blue Moon) on tap, but the television sets in the bar displayed two of my favorite things: an encore of the Yankee game and Sex and The City. Despite easy conversation, consistent laughter and flowing booze, I still did not feel a romantic vibe. In fact, at one point during the date, he kissed me and I felt nothing. I did not think he was a “bad kisser” but there was just nothing there. I don’t expect to see skyrockets in flight every time I kiss a guy (although it would be nice), but shouldn’t I have at least enjoyed the kiss and looked forward to the next one? I mean, if a guy is “the one”, shouldn’t I feel it in his kiss, or am I romanticizing again? Anyway, I kissed him back because I didn’t know what else to do, but was not hoping he would kiss me again later. Sigh. Now I am debating if I should accept another date if he asks. I remember being excited about my third date with Camera Guy. I remember being excited about my third date with Red Sox Guy before him and I remember being excited about my third date with B before him. I just do not think I would be excited about a third date with Colt 45 despite the fact that I very much enjoy his company. I would actually love to be his friend, but I don’t know quite know how to communicate that or whether he would take it well (assuming he likes me as “more than a friend”). I hate being in this predicament more than anything. I hate meeting a really nice and funny guy with whom I have lots in common but for whom I feel nothing. I engage in an inner battle with myself as to whether nipping things would be premature or whether giving it another go would be a waste of time. Any sage advice would be most welcomed.
I joined Facebook today. I wasn’t going to, but I have recently heard that a lot of “older” people (people over 30) are joining and reconnecting with old friends. Several of my friends have joined recently and, on a whim and in a fit of boredom, I decided to join as well. When I completed my profile, which includes information regarding where I went to high school and college, the page immediately displayed profiles of people I might know from both of the above schools. Since I did not enjoy high school at all and really have no desire to reconnect with anyone, I am questioning my decision to join in the first place. In fact, in the few hours since I joined, I’ve starting feeling horrible about myself. It’s like I think about high school and immediately revert to the self-conscious, extremely lacking in confidence girl I was back then when, in the here and now, I am SO not that person. It’s not as if I was bullied in high school or extremely unpopular; it’s just that I was not at all comfortable in my own skin and required the validation of others to make me feel good about myself. Anyway, I already spotted Debbie’s profile (from Debbie Does Damage) and cringed when I saw that one of her “friends” is Rachel (the other bitch from high school). I also learned that many of the girls in my graduating class are married with children. The discovery that I am definitely in the minority with respect to my relationship status made me angry which, in turn, made me feel horrible. I hate being envious; I hate second guessing the extent of my own happiness; I hate comparing myself to other people and I hate that I assume that all of these people are “blissfully happy” simply because, unlike me, they are married. Although painful to admit, I am a bit ashamed that I am not married and wonder if my fellow alumni will get satisfaction from learning that. I decided to make my profile available to only “friends” so that no-one can view it unless they request me as a friend and I wonder if anyone from high school will contact me. It bothers me that I care since those days are long over!
Saturday:
When ever I am worried about something, the anxiety intensifies at night. In fact, I have lost hours of sleep worrying about how I would finish a work project only to wake up the next morning and realize that the project is unlikely to take more than ten minutes of my time. Additionally, subjects previously overanalyzed to no resolution often times become crystal clear at night. It occurred to me last night as I woke up from a deep sleep (something I tend to do often, thoughts immediately and ashamedly turning to B) that he no longer gives me an iota of thought. He used to; I am sure of it, but no longer. He simply turned off all of his feelings towards me and does not, as I originally suspected, struggle with his words towards me and the ending of our friendship. He continues to wake up every morning and go to sleep every night without his mind ever wandering in my direction. I have been forgotten, dismissed if you will. The realization caused tightness in my stomach and a lump in my throat and I had a lot of trouble getting back to sleep. Perhaps I should have felt better with the discovery that B really is that detached and cold, but I didn’t. I felt like the biggest loser on Earth, certainly in New York City.
I was still feeling the "inferiority" effects from joining Facebook and, when I am upset, it is always "Margie to the rescue". I told my sister how I was feeling and she reminded me that, just like I have changed, most of my old classmates had likely changed as well and weren't the same people they were almost 20 years ago. She also reminded me that just because someone is married, does not mean she is blissfully happy. To quote her words "her husband might be an asshole or bad in the sack and her kids might be ugly pains in the ass!". She told me that my belief that everyone else besides me has a perfect life is ridiculous, and even went as far as to suggest that some of my ex schoolmates might actually envy my freedom. By the time we finished our conversation, I was in much better spirits. I was reminded that I DO have it pretty good and my only complaint, in all honesty, is that I have not found the "one". I guess it is better that I am single and not with the "one" than married and not with the "one".
Saturday night:
The Yankee game was a nail biter, that's for sure but we won and a win is a win is a win. I actually attended my first baseball game fully sober and I still had a great time. (I guess I am not an alcoholic :) ) I went with a woman from work who went a little nuts and actually embarrassed me a bit. Around the fifth inning, two Red Sox fans sat in our section, both holding pints of beer. My friend immediately turned to them and said "You know, this is a non-alcoholic section. If you get out of hand, I am going to call security". The guys hadn't done anything inappropriate and, since I was also thinking about bringing a beer into the non-alcohol section, I told her to give them the benefit of the doubt. She said "ok", but I was still mortified. It gives Yankee fans a bad name to initiate arguments. There were, however, several Red Sox fans sitting in our section who didn't say a word during the entire game, probably since the Yankees were winning 2:0. As soon as the Sox scored in the 9th, they wouldn't shut the hell up and it pissed me off. Root for your team even when you are losing! Don't show spirit for your team only when you score and cower the rest of the time! Anyway, when the Sox scored one in the top of the 9th and got bases loaded with 0 outs, my heart started beating so fast and I seriously thought I was going to vomit. I was SO happy when Mo got his 3 outs to put the game to bed. Whoever says baseball is boring should've watched that game!!
Sunday:
Just returned from a date. The guy was nice and kind of attractive but a little too "smooth" for my taste. Although, perhaps not smooth enough since he did not sufficiently hide his roving eye in the direction of every girl in the bar. After a few beers and appetizers, he asked me if I wanted to continue the night somewhere else. Although I enjoyed his company, I politely declined. He's definitely not the one. Why waste my time when a Yankee/Red Sox game is starting in 15 minutes!!! I got home just in time to check my hotmail. I have already been contacted through Facebook by a girl from high school I actually did really like, and have also sent a message to a guy for whom I have only fond memories; probably the nicest guy in my graduating class. I remember him telling me that I had the nicest eyes in our class. Coming from a guy who was surely gay and had no alterior motives, his compliments always meant so much to me and came at a time when I needed them the most. Perhaps this Facebook thing wasn't such a bad idea after all!!!
Well, that's it for me. I hope everyone had a great weekend.
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Posted by Meredith on 2008-07-06 19:57:08 | Rating: | Views: 163
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I loved the weekend ride of words from you, they bring back so many memories... I have experienced many of the things you are feeling and all I can say is fasten your seat belt and enjoy the view, you have alot more miles to travel, God willing...and I hope you continue to take us along for the ride.
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Posted by roe
on 2008-07-06 20:32:20
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I so enjoy reading about your life and am always excited when I see a new post from you. Your sister's wise words made me feel better also. My sister and I never speak and her words usually make me feel worse instead of better. I watched part of the baseball game you attended. Glad your team won. Have a wonderful week. Peace.
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Posted by ColoradoDreamin
on 2008-07-07 00:56:10
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Glad you are connecting with a few old friends via Facebook.
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Posted by ColoradoDreamin
on 2008-07-07 00:57:13
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Well Meri, in relation to your predicament with Colt 45, I can't really offer you much help there, I think it's one of those things that's purely within you. However, I think you should give him at least one more chance and see if things heat up for you. Things might change. I wouldn't throw him away just yet because you don't feel the butterflies, you may just be romanticising. I think love can happen without the cliched feelings you seek, but we all feel love differently.
Good luck with Facebook! Needless to say, you won't be responding to any word recieved from Debbie or Rachel, right?
I don't think your ex peers will react too negatively to your singleness, I mean, you don't have to be married with kids to be a good member of society. It makes you nothing less of a person, but you probably know that already. What your sister said was so right, these people may be stuck in a crappy married life, and what you said was right, it's better to be single and not with "the one" than to be married to someone that is not "the one".
And yes, that "smooth" guy you described is definitely not a goer. If he's openly perving on other women now, he wouldn't stop later on, would he?
and I'm so glad you got something out of joining Facebook!! :)
Take care, Meri.
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Posted by Mezlie
on 2008-07-07 06:27:14
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Hey Mer,
Sounds like a good week-end all around. You got out, you got to watch your team win.... and you had a date or two.
I don't think you are wasting time with Colt45 - even if you feel he ISN'T the one. So long as you've given him no reason to think he is, then you can both enjoy each others company while it suits you both.
... oh and I hear you about being married to the supposed "one" and now not being! lol
Such is life .... but we are here to enjoy it, just need to be reminded sometimes.
So no good looking for you on Facebook then! :)
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-07-07 08:05:40
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I just sent you an email and this kind of answers most of my questions. I am on Facebook as well and I'll say that the friends I have reconnected with from high school are the ones that I liked. It does seem to be an older crowd and I like it better than my space.
I wonder about "the one" one of my closest friends is happily married to her best friend. She feels he's the one and he adores her but I wonder sometimes because a friendship is much more important to her.
I wish I had better words of wisdom.
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Posted by prelude2it
on 2008-07-07 09:15:11
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Friday:
It's tough being just friends with someone when you are not sure if that is all they want. But honestly the best approach is to just tell him. I mean look at it this way... he takes it bad and does not want to see you again. Which if he can't handle it is for the best. Or he understands, you guys become great friends and he introduces you to the man of your dreams... Ya never know. I say burn no bridge, and network everyone. Using people and networking them are 2 different things.
Facebook:
Ok so here is mrs. pollypocket who was the head cheerleader now maried to Biff the QB and they have 2.5 kids and 1.5 dogs (don't ask). he is no longer in shape although tells the same stories from his glory days in high school everytime he is at a party, she is hooked on valum because she hates her life, and the kids are spoiled mommy and daddy clones because their paerents can not let go of highschool and are living through them.
Here you are, you waited for the right one, but while waiting you got your shit together. You have a good job, a great boss, allthough you assistant is lacking. You do well enough with money, you have a great sister you can tell anything to that does not hate you for being the head cheerleader bitch. So face book should make you feel better about yourself not worse. 90% of the people I talk to that come to me for different things are married and looking for a way out. Who want someone to tell them it is ok to give up. You did not become that person, that is an awesome trait all by its self.
Sunday:
If he is out with a woman like you and can not even stop checking other women out for one moment.... then he is a total ass.
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Posted by DouglasMB
on 2008-07-07 10:27:15
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I can relate to the feelings about your old high school acquaintances; I often wonder if I'm viewed with pity because I'm not married with children, or even divorced with children. And my sister reminds me of the very same things!!
I'm on Facebook, too, but have been less than active. I joined in a random episode of boredom myself but may spend a little more time there. I had put it aside because I don't really need anymore stalking opportunities at my fingertips. Maybe I can act responsibly???
I HATE smooth men. They bore me, they arouse my most serious suspiscions, and leave me wanting to punch them in their perfect little faces. Kick him to the curb.
And on a side note, you really have no idea what Brian is thinking. I disagree that he gives you no thought at all.
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Posted by BlueMoonInMyEye
on 2008-07-07 11:31:15
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I'm obsessed with facebook, prefer it wayyy over myspace. I just don't add them as friends when they request it, most of the time they dont even notice.
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Posted by TheAlreadyJaded
on 2008-07-07 13:28:26
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I had to comment again. Smooth guys suck! Take it from someone who married one, they tell you what you want to hear but don't follow through.
Also like Blue said, you have no clue what B is thinking. My B went 2 weeks without calling and then told me all the times he thought of calling or texting but did not for fear of my reaction.
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Posted by prelude2it
on 2008-07-07 13:58:45
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But Prelude, YOUR Brian actually loves you. After we stopped dating (and sometimes even during) I felt like "my" Brian thought of me as the little sister who idolized him. He might be glad to get rid of me! Whatever, I know - HIS loss. I know. I know. It just makes me feel so insignificant.
And, yes, I lost interest in the "smooth" guy after college. Cute, semi-dorky, smart guys who make me laugh - THAT'S my type.
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Posted by Meredith
on 2008-07-07 14:29:21
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Wow, sounds like a packed weekend, girl! You know what, I probably would have declined Mr. Smooth's offer as well if there was a game on. Good call! Ha!
I cannot believe that those Sox fans weren't cheering when the team was down. I would be cheering the whole time - win or lose. Corey's up to bat - yea! Ryan's up to bat - yippee! & so on & so on. Sounds like some fair weather fans those Sox fans. :)
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Posted by Mandie142
on 2008-07-07 17:04:50
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Hi there,
I only read the first paragraph of Friday as it's late where I am now and I'm wrecked but re your situation with Colt 45 as far as I'm concerned the chemistry is there...or it isn't....it seems baffling I think to women when we meet a guy and he's almost perfect apart from the fact we cringe when we're kissed by him or just feel absolutely nothing. I truly feel that it's just lack of chemistry and when you feel that way about a guy, he's just friends material and nothing more. I believe it's there from the very beginning or it's not ya know? i'm recently single for the first time EVER and I've always been very picky even when it came to guys coming up to me to chat me up in bars (and this was when I wasn't single!)..so now I'm even pickier...I know what I'm looking for and I have no patience if there is lack of chemistry or whatever...I want chemistry, I want those sky rockets, I want to be swept off my feet..anything less at this point is just not enough...:-)
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Posted by frasier31
on 2008-07-07 17:43:41
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Friday's kiss- This may sound crazy, but I saw "skyrockets in flight" every single time Jim and I kissed. Even just thinking about kissing him gives me butterflies and I get a little short of breath. Therefore, I definitely think you should have enjoyed the kiss and be unable to wait for the next one. I think too many people settle for someone because they think that will be the best they can find. Maybe I'm just a sucker, but I could never settle for someone that I had a decent time with, but no chemistry. "Don't marry the man you can live with ; marry the man you can't live without." Always loved that quote.
As for facebook...I think everyone felt uncomfortable in their own skin in high school. Some just masked their insecurities better than others. I hate thinking back to high school, because I cared way too much what other people thought. I completely agree with everything your sister said to you!
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Posted by nakedtruth
on 2008-07-08 01:32:41
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Meri, I'm with NakedTruth on the kiss thing. I see skyrockets when I kiss my boyfriend too...and like, nakedtruth, i get butterflies even when i think back and remember our kisses...
I think the way you feel when you kiss a person is quite important, so i wouldnt say ur romanticising...i would agree that Colt45 probably just doesnt do it for you.
Im sure you'll find a guy who makes you weak when he kisses you so dont settle for anything less :)
Good luck with facebook! :D
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-07-08 02:06:08
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Thanks guys - I don't think I will ever be happy with a guy I feel really comfortable with if there is nothing else there. I need to "crave" and not merely "enjoy" his company (and his kisses). I have dated the "comfort/easy conversation" guy before and the relationship did not last because I was hungry for more. So, with that, I think I will just keep waiting.
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Posted by Meredith
on 2008-07-08 09:40:43
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Wow! All the wise people got here ahead of me! Some really well-thought out comments up there!
Follow your heart, Meri. It will lead you where you need to be. One day you will wake up and B will be out of your system. That's when the rest of your life can really begin.
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Posted by BootLady
on 2008-07-08 17:56:42
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And Meridith, good things come to those who wait
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Posted by whiteknight
on 2008-07-09 12:04:36
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Meri,
I agree with Margie every married person isn't happy or perfect. Seems the facebook thing wasn't such a bad thing.
The "smooth" guy cracked me up. I don't know if your gonna feel fireworks when you meet 'the guy' but I'd think you'd feel something.
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Posted by anotherdaze
on 2008-07-09 15:54:44
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