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| Wash that man right out of my hair
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Countless people on Thoughts have commented about my “positive” nature. It’s true. I am an optimist. I look at the bright side of things. I see the glass as half full and the light at the end of the tunnel. In the face of misfortune, my motto is, to quote Little Orphan Annie, “The sun will come out tomorrow”. But even I have my down moments and I am having one now. I am currently in a funk when I should be in very good spirits. For God’s sake, I leave Saturday for a week long vacation in Costa Rica!
I have plans tonight to watch a Yankee game with Brian. Brian, for those of you who haven’t read most of my other blogs, is a man I dated for 7 months last year. I fell hard for him, but found the strength to end things when it become clear that he was unwilling and, in my opinion, unable to progress the relationship. We are now, after months of not communicating, “friends” and it is as “friends” that we will go out tonight to hopefully watch the Yankees beat the Rays while drinking a few beers and eating greasy food.
Despite my unexplainable connection to Brian, we were a horrible couple. He is emotionally distant and I am emotionally needy – not a very good combination. I don’t want to go back, yet I truly care about him and, from our first date, knew he was meant to be a part of my life. I now understand and truly believe that Brian, despite denial on his part, has his own issues that he needs to resolve or come to terms with and I no longer blame myself for not being __________ enough (pretty, smart etc.) to make things work out between us romantically. I truly do not think he would be different with any other woman. And while Brian behaved poorly in certain circumstances, I do not believe he ever meant to hurt me. I honestly believe he cares for me and would come to my aid if I ever needed him.
Here’s where my funk comes in. The truth is that, despite the words I just typed mere seconds ago, I am much more excited to spend time with Brian tonight than I would be if I were hanging out with any other “friend”. I put way more thought into what I wore today than I would have to watch a Yankee game with any other “friend”, male or female. If something came up causing Brian to cancel on me, I would be significantly more disappointed than I would be if any other “friend” requested a rain check on plans.
The funny thing is that I don’t expect tonight to end with a proclamation of love from Brian. I am certain that we will have a great time, he will pay for me (he simply refuses to take my money), he will walk me home, we will hug outside of my building and he will leave. I know this and I am ok with it. What I am not ok with is the knowledge that I will be more content in his company than I ever am with other men. I am not ok with the knowledge that making him smile will turn my insides to mush. I am not ok with the knowledge that I will not tell him about Camera Guy; not out of fear that he would be jealous, but out of fear that he would be happy for me. I am not ok with the knowledge that, at some point during the night, I will search his eyes for some sign that, despite our platonic status, his feelings for me really DO go beyond friendship and I am not ok with the knowledge that, when I go to sleep tonight, I will wish his arms were around me.
I no longer wait with baited breath for an email from him, nor am I on cloud nine as a result of receiving one. I know longer analyze his every move to determine its "inner meaning". I don't want what Brian was prepared to offer me before but I still hold onto hope that he will someday share some earth shattering explanation why he couldn't go the distance with me and that he will miraculously be a new and improved Brian. While I do not allow this unlikely possibility to prevent me from living my life, I wonder if I will always hope that he will, in a soap opera turn of events, come to the realization that he needs me and loves me to infinity? Will I ever TRULY give up on the fantasy? Will I ever TRULY be ok with just being friends and will I ever TRULY stop yearning for him? On the day I marry a man I hopefully love deeply, will part of me STILL wish it was Brian I was marrying? I want to remain friends with him, but I also want to get to a point where I don't care what I wear when I see him; when I don't care whether he thinks I am special; when I don't wish I could make him the happiest guy in the world; when I don't wish I could read his mind and figure out what it would take to rock his world. I wonder if I will ever get there.
I think we can all agree that Camera Guy is great, almost perfect in fact and I really, really like him. When I am with him, I am there body, mind and soul and I am not thinking about Brian. And when we part ways, thoughts of him linger in my mind. Unfortunately, thoughts of Brian do too. Will I be able to fall in love with Camera Guy (or anyone else) when I stubbornly (and secretly) yearn for a magical happy ending with Brian?
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Posted by Meredith on 2008-04-15 11:10:57 | Rating: | Views: 242
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I wish I had some insight or words of wisdom. At times I feel some things just are..kind of like unfinished business. With as much as I would like for them to be a certain way...they are the opposite. We all want what we want. We may not always get it...but,whose to say we can't? Some days I wish I had a magic wand:)Great post Meredith:)
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Posted by pitapie50
on 2008-04-15 11:24:22
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Blue, I tried the "cold turkey" thing with him and it was worse. I need him in my life but, you are right, I have no idea why at this point. When we weren't speaking at all, I constantly wondered what he was doing, if he was thinking about me etc. I am no longer obsessed with him so I think I am actually in a better place being his "friend" than nothing. Of course, I could be completely wrong. By the way, he has the most impeccable manners of anyone I have ever met - he will not pick his nose. Nice thought though.
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Posted by Meredith
on 2008-04-15 11:41:11
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I've been singing it all morning too. Sorry! We tend to go to the same places everytime we hang out, so that won't work either. However, when I recall certain things he said/did while we were dating, I am at least momentarily jolted into remembering why I am so much better off not dating him. I use that as my aversion therapy. I don't want the current version of him; I want Brian+ (him but more affectionate, emotional, communicative, sexual etc.) and I am just wondering if I will stop wanting it. It hit me last night that I am in limbo and I am now depressed as a result.
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Posted by Meredith
on 2008-04-15 13:33:01
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Dang, girl! That's some tough stuff there. It reminds me a whole lot of a situation I was in once upon a time. I, unfortunately, had to let go of my “Brian” cuz I knew that as long as he was in my life that I would not be able to fully move on. I still think of him & wonder “what if” from time to time but I know it was for the best. Over time, you will know what is best for you & you will be able to work through this…hopefully with Brian in your life. I know how hard it is to let go of someone who meant so much. Good luck!
PS – The Brewers play tonight as well. They play against the Cardinals. I hope my Corey does as well tonight as he did on Sunday! Good luck to your Yankees! :)
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Posted by Mandie142
on 2008-04-15 13:39:15
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I hate to say this but unless you let go of Brian you may never give CameraGuy 100%. I have to run to a meeting but I'll write more later. Have fun, the Rays will definitely loose tonight. They suck!
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Posted by prelude2it
on 2008-04-15 13:57:52
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Mandie - good luck to your Brewers and thanks for your support!
Prelude - you might be right but I am just not ready to let him go completely. I tried it and it didn't work - "out of sight, out of mind" just doesn't work for me. I just get lost in daydreams. I think the reality of having him in such a limited capacity has actually made it easier for me to start moving on. I am interested in your further thoughts though if you do have time. Thanks!
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Posted by Meredith
on 2008-04-15 14:27:56
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I started thinking of the first couple of years with Brian and at the beginning I focused on us and i had zero contact with my ex (R). Then when I made contact with R, I could see all of these flaws in Bri. It was like he was not the same person in my eyes, I think because I was missing R. At the same time my feelings for Bri got very blurred. After Bri and I took our 6 week break, I decided no more contact with R and I have kept that about 98%, except for a couple of BS emails a few months ago. I feel like I think about Brian exclusively and I have finally let R go. If I had not done that I don't know that I would have ever given Bri all of me. I think the same thing of you and your Brian, if you start comparing Camera Guy to Brian at some point you may not see some of the qualities you like in Brian in Camera Guy. Therefore not giving him a fair chance. I believe our hearts can only truly love one person at a time. I understand struggling to let go, it's why I'm still seeing my Brian, although he's being great lately. I think when we truly love someone, we keep the hope that they will see that we are great too and do something. Unfortunately that doesn't always happen.
Just keep in mind, that Camera Guy thinks you are great and right now should get your full focus. Every time I read your posts about Brian, I realize you want what Brian could be which is what I want in my Brian. Keep that in mind.
If you are ever in Tampa, we should go to a game to see our lovely Rays. The stadium is a/c'd which is awesome and the fans are fun.
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Posted by prelude2it
on 2008-04-15 15:55:45
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Mer - I think I married my "Brian", no matter what he showed me, I too felt like we were meant to be in each others' lives .. . and look where it got me!
Close the door, and don't walk back through it. Be confident, be happy when you are around him - don't settle for "almost" right. You go for absolutely right!
Enjoy the game, hope your team wins.
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-04-15 16:32:22
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Oh dear Meredity - I do agree with Easy. And you know what - I think deep down you know she is right. I don't believe in 'friendship' when one person cares more than the other. It didn't work first time so it's unlikely to ever. On the other hand, impeccable manners go a long, long way to making a perfect man. They last forever, long after the passion settles down to being comfortable. Think long and hard. Don't understand about the Yankees but I do hope you enjoy the evening, no matter what the outcome.
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Posted by overthehillandfar...
on 2008-04-15 17:14:17
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I am leaving to meet him in about 30 minutes and I just re-read my post "Free to Be Me and Me" - and remembered how wonderful it felt to be with Camera Guy. I also read The Anti-Brian to remind myself that me and Brian are not compatible and he could never make me happy. I am hoping to enjoy his company tonight and appreciate the man he is but remain steadfast in my knowledge that he is not THE man for me. I don't want to lose him completely but, you are all right, I might not be able to have it both ways. I guess I have some serious thinking to do but, for now, I will keep it simple: GO YANKEES!
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Posted by Meredith
on 2008-04-15 17:33:34
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Our hearts and our heads don't always mesh and it's tough. I feel for you...don't think I could get over a man while remaining friends at first. Maybe later when I'm stronger and already in a relationship. Much too hard, but have fun anyway!
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Posted by Ellie2008
on 2008-04-15 18:28:13
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I thought the Rays were doing great against the Yanks. I used to live in Tampa and my husband still does. He will root for the Rays!
I had this guy named Mark and I thought he was supposed to be part of my life too. And he was. But he broke my heart. But now I don't care. I am happy with my husband, who will be moving here soon.
Sounds as if you should give Camera Guy a chance.
Hope things work out great for you! You deserve it.
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Posted by Fancie
on 2008-04-15 19:54:11
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Girls, this is an episode of Sex and the City! Meredith is Jessica Parker and Brian is Mr Big and Camera Guy is the cute guy that made furniture who was engaged to Jessica. They even moved in together but she broke his heart. You know camera guy is better for you but you can't help the passion you feel for Mr Big Brian. You wish that Brian(Mr Big) treated you the way Camera Guys does. You really want to like camera guy and you really want to get over Mr Big Brian.
Relax, you are young, just enjoy your life and all the attention. You don't have to make any decisions. How was the game? Did camera guy/furniture guy...know you were with Mr Big/ Brian?
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Posted by roe
on 2008-04-15 23:43:15
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Hey Mer :) Ok Since i broke up with BF last night (it happened some time back, but i knew for sure yesterday)..I can tell you that I feel the same way. No matter what happens, and no matter how perfect the next guy who comes along will be, like you, somewhere in my heart, I will continue to feel for BF. We cant help wondering if they would magically transform into perfect people...we cant help wondering "what if". I guess its something we need to live with...and just move on. Keep the feelings for Brian, its only natural.
When you do feel that strongly for someone, the feelings dont just go away.
Besides, maybe if you really and truly got the chance to get back with him, I have a feeling you might want to continue with CameraGuy. You've been there, you dont want to go there again. Keep the memories, keep the feelings. An d enjoy with CameraGuy because he does make you happy :) Keep smiling girl...
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-04-16 02:15:59
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Well again I hope you do not mind if I add my two pennies... or maybe it is just half a cent lol who knows. I have done alot of thinking about subjects such as this over the years, I may even do a blog about it if I have time later. But ok you are from just reading your blogs, a deep, compassionate person, who loves to give of herself to make others happy if only to just get a smile. You also have a need for people to give of themselves to you. I may be wrong and if I am please put me in my place. But because of this, you will allways harbor feelings for Brian, and it does not make you a bad person nor does it mean you can never fall in love with someone else. The mistake we make as people trying to become one half of a couple is we expect to much not only of ourselves but also of the person we are with. I will got back to another comment someone made to explain my theory lol not to say I am correct just my take on things... "I hate to say this but unless you let go of Brian you may never give CameraGuy 100%" Not that I believe this is so off base, but for me and for my exp is that what exactly is this 100%? "He don't love me, he still thinks about her.", "She can be in love with me and still be friends with her ex!" these are things I hear people say all the time. Let me ask you, did you love your ex the way you love a family member? or the way you loved a pet? how about did you love him the same way you did your first heart wrenching crush in school where you thought you would simply stop breathin if you could not see this person? No, its not the same, and if you fall in love with Camera guy it is not fair to compair it to Brian, Can you give all that you gave to Brian to Camera Guy? nope lol it's allready been given. But what you can give are new feelings, new memories, new traditions that in time will become a staple in your life and when you see brian across a crowded room will you feel alittle something? Of course... and if not you would not be human, does it mean you would love camera guy any less? no.... just that you love him differently. If you give someone 100% of yourself, there is no room for noone else. Each part of you is just as special as the other. I see friends become not friends after someone makes a new friend, because they think people can only have one friend.
So you still kinda have thing for Brian, well it's natural because you have not filled or commited that part of your life to someone else, your still kinda in limbo of sorts with camera guy. And you said it your self when your with camera guy its just him... that says alot all by its self. I hope I have not rambled on. I do not mean to step on any toes I promise.
** What you have just read is a paid advertisment, and does not represent the opinon of this station or it's viewers**
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Posted by DouglasMB
on 2008-04-16 09:12:10
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Wow! why did your blog rang truth to me, I feel myself in a similar situation, and truth be told it feels that what you feel is real love for Brian, uncomparable love. Regardless of who you date or see Brian will still be apart of your world for you truly loved him,and thats what love is all about. Whitney Houston said in one of her songs ' If somebody love you, won't they always love you? and your blog is testimony to that. Have you ever really told Brian how you feel?If you haven't maybe he needs to be told. For I would hate to be Mr Camera Guy knowing how this man boils your potatoes. Perhaps since your love for Brian is true, do the repairable thing,and give it another shot. True love finds a way sometimes.
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Posted by SoulUnderConstruc...
on 2008-04-16 12:29:49
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