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Camera Guy cooked dinner for us at my place last night. He showed up at my door holding a bouquet of beautiful purple flowers. Don't ask what kind because I just don't know. (If I ever plan a wedding, I will be a very bad Bridezilla as I lack the anal gene when it comes to precise details in the ways of flowers, table cloths, etc. and could care less whether my bridesmaid wears her hair down or in an up-do - as long as she feels pretty, I am happy.) Anyway, the flowers were pretty. We were going to meet at the grocery store, pick up the supplies and then go back to my place, but when I told him that I am sorely lacking in cooking "supplies" (pots, pans, etc.) and basic ingredients (flour, eggs, milk etc.), we decided it was best for him to take inventory before we decided what to make. I had spent hours the night before cleaning my apartment so it was in nice condition, but I was kind of embarrassed by my lack of domestic prowess. I did not try to fake it though because, for things to work out between us, he needs to see the real me. He took a quick look around, made a mental note of what I had/did not have in my pantry/refrigerator/cabinets and we took a walk to the super market. He decided to make a pasta dish with lentils. In all honesty, I really did not care what he made as I was simply looking forward to his company and, besides, if it's edible, I'll probably eat it.
I did not particularly like food shopping with Camera Guy. He kept asking me questions to which I needed to respond in the negative and, frankly, it was annoying. "Do you have milk?" - No. "Do you have sugar?" - No. "Do you have cinnamon?" - No. "Do you have a baking pan?" - NO. "Do you have basil"? NOOOOOOO!!!! (Weren't you just in my apartment, buddy? Did you NOT see that it was stocked with none of the above?) Although I am sure it was not intentional, he made me feel like a child playing a very poor game of house. On top of that, he gave me a lecture on how it is better to ground condiments yourself rather than buy them pre-ground because the flavor of the condiment will last longer. Since I rarely put nutmeg, cinnamon or red pepper in my standard dinner consisting of tuna melts on crackers, canned soap or frozen "Steamed Fresh" vegetables, the lesson was lost on me. To his defense, I did tell him I was interested in learning how to be a better cook. At the time, I was just more interested in being his date than his student.
After the supermarket, we went to the liquor store. As he had paid for all of the groceries, I bought us a bottle of red wine. Camera Guy has a way of making every detail just a bit more vivid and even a minor experience more memorable. For example, during our road trip over the weekend, I saw a barn; he saw that same barn, yet based on the size of the windows on the second floor, he knew the barn was from the 1700s. At the supermarket, I looked forward to an appetizer of fresh mozzarella and tomato. He looked forward to that same appetizer, yet he knew how much better it would be with fresh basil. After he opened a container and asked me to take a whiff, I had to agree. So, while I was satisfied with the one bottle of red wine, when Camera Guy suggested that we also get a bottle of Prosecco to toast before cooking, I just knew it would add to the whole "cooking together" experience.
Back at my apartment, I put on some music and he opened the champagne. He attempted to make a toast about how happy he is to have met me but said he was at a loss for words. As I am still not quite comfortable with the corny talk, I told him no words were necessary and that we should just enjoy the champagne. Although I used the phrase "cooking together" above, I will be straight with you - I didn't do a damn thing except point him in the direction of my pots and pans and stand on a chair to reach the large bowl I had on the top shelf of my cabinets. (Camera Guy is only a few inches taller than me.) I also did a very good job of eating most of the tomato/mozzarella/basil appetizer. Camera Guy did all of the work and I pretended to listen to him teach me how. Although I sincerely want to learn how to cook, I lacked the focus last night, perhaps because it was the first time he had been in my apartment and I was nervous.
Dinner was very good although he was concerned that the pasta would be ruined because my pot was not big enough. Again, I felt like a child. (Note to self - buy a set of decent cooking supplies and throw out the pots and pans used to cook Kraft Macaroni & Cheese in college - well over ten years ago!) Anyway, the topic of my father came up while we were eating. Camera Guy knew that my dad opened up credit cards in my name, but I had not told him that I pressed charges which resulted in my father being sent to jail. Even though not a single person has made me feel anything but justified and, in fact, brave and strong, for doing what I did, I was afraid he would think I was a horrible human being. When he asked how I responded to my father's actions, I did not want to lie so I told him everything. Like everyone else, he reassured me that I did the right thing and even called my actions "heroic". He said that he liked me more knowing that I was strong enough to stand up for myself and do the right thing. I was relieved and quite touched by his reaction.
Camera Guy and I were more intimate last night than we had been before, likely because it was the first time we had actually been alone together in private. (I don't know about you, but I am not one to take off my clothes in public..) He made me feel beautiful and sexy and I could tell by the way he looked at me, kissed me and touched me that he meant it. I am not comfortable sharing details but I will say that we did not "close the deal". For whatever reason, I was just not ready, not sure why. For once in my life, however, I want to do things on my own terms. I don't want to be with someone because I am drunk (although I wasn't last night). And I don't want to be with someone because I feel like it is "time". I don't want to have to practically beg someone to be with me (Brian). I just want to have a healthy relationship that evolves naturally. One where I am comfortable telling the guy what I want/don't want, like/don't like, etc. I think I can have that with Camera Guy and I am pretty sure I will be ready soon. It just made me feel great to not feel afraid to tell him that I wasn't quite ready and to have him be totally cool with it and tell me he adores me no matter what.
I haven't had many (any) successful long-term relationships but I have had my share of failed short term and semi-long term relationships. Like Blue, I have spent days, weeks, months, YEARS in total, trying to figure out what went wrong, specifically what I did wrong and what was wrong with me. I will never stop being an analyzer. And I will never stop laying first blame on myself when something goes wrong. It's just who I am. In the past year or so, however, I have become a much more positive and optimistic person and I think a lot of it is a result of learning to take the good from the bad. I have consciously tried to learn a little about myself from all of my unsuccessful relationships, regardless as to who was at fault. Everything I have learned thus far has helped me accept (and even like) who I am and trust that someone, some day will actually love me - exactly the way I am. Having that faith makes it so much easier to trust my own instincts and be myself. I know I will be ok with whatever happens between me and Camera Guy, and that if he does not turn out to be the one, I will at least learn more about myself from dating him. (Only, of course, after I analyze every moment we spent together and every word exchanged at least 1000 times.) |
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Posted by Meredith on 2008-04-10 18:13:58 | Rating: | Views: 152
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Sounds like you had an awesome evening. I like you have done things in the past because I felt that I should or it was time. It seems like you have grown past that point, that is awesome. I also analyze to a fault and always think it's me. I guess it's better than always thinking you are right and never being able to self reflect. What you write is always very positive, I hope to be that way at some point.
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Posted by prelude2it
on 2008-04-10 19:18:28
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I love your post..your such an honest smart cookie :) I can see where the questions can become annoying..I do that all the time..what do you want for dinner? he'll say food..if I ask anymore questions pertaining to dinner he rolls his eyes at me. I know I'm annoying :) camera guy cooking dinner for you is awesome..good for you! Sounds like you had a good night. I just have a big fat smile on my face. If your ever in the neighborhood come for dinner.
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Posted by pitapie50
on 2008-04-10 19:22:45
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I also analyze everything...and on top of that I'm paranoid. I blame myself. I'm still trying to figure out what's wrong with me...
I like this guy. I'm really hoping everything works out for you. He sounds charming. Best wishes to you!
By the way, I LOVVVVVE your blogs!
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Posted by BitterSweetheart
on 2008-04-10 23:23:04
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Hey Mer, I'm just so happy for you, girl :) He really seems like a great guy...good luck with both of you!! I'm like you too about blaming myself when things go wrong...I guess it gets better with time :)
Keep smiling and wishing u lots of happiness!
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-04-11 01:26:36
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I just love to read your post. It just takes me back to those days when I remember like it was yesterday waiting for a date to arrive. Then the delicious times between half awareness and sleep, going over everything he said to me that night. It may seem sad but it's what makes the world go round. You just enjoy every bit of it and try to live for the moment and not analyse everything. Some things are just for enjoying and not for wondering why. When your soul mate does arrive then you can really relax cause suddenly everything makes sense.
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Posted by overthehillandfar...
on 2008-04-11 05:42:15
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Hi Meredith! I think you were both nervous for different reasons, but it should ease up and feel natural soon. I think the shopping trip offers a couple of things, he was nervous and wanted to impress you and it sounded like you were mildly irritated with the 20 question routine about your kitchen. What I bought my daughter when she moved out was an Ikea kitchen set, 100 piece thingie and a fondue set. She has used about 70% of the set and has had many fondue parties. Easy! Recipes on-line and always use Gruyere cheese! I can email you a very good Belgian recipe! No cooking whatsoever, conversation while you "cook" and then, you can BUY dessert - strawberries dipped in chocolate, finger food! Hang in there and take your time, enjoy. He sounds like a good one to me, but be yourself.
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Posted by Ellie2008
on 2008-04-11 07:24:55
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Way to go Camera Guy for making Meredith feel speacial for she truly deserves to be. Here's hoping the relationship grows from strength to strength.
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Posted by SoulUnderConstruc...
on 2008-04-11 10:02:23
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Thank you all for comments. I am in a corny moody, so I am going to respond to all of them:
Ellie - I love fondue - that's a great idea. I do plan to buy a set of kitchen supplies - it's on my to-do list. Unfortunately, that list is 10 pages long!
Blue - if Camera Guy screws up, I'm calling you in to kick his ass!
Pitapie - thanks for the dinner offer. I might just take you up on it - tuna fish gets boring after a while.
Prelude2it - Glad to hear that I am not the only paranoid one - being positive takes work. I have my down moments too - trust me!
Bittersweet - I love your blogs too! I wish you wrote more often.
Angelwings - you always have such kind words of support. Thank you!
Overthehillandfaraway - Thanks again for your comments. I am glad my post brought back memories.
Soulunderconstruction - "thank you" about sums it up!
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Posted by Meredith
on 2008-04-11 10:40:20
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HAHA - Mer that is great, honestly, it was great to read.... and I'm hoping he lasts a long time, he cooks!! he's educated!! You're obviously attracted to him and vice versa ..... Good luck!!! :)
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-04-11 11:23:21
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This sounds like a scene out of a romantic comedy...one with Matthew McConaughey & Kate Hudson, maybe? Ha! Sounds like you are WAY happy & totally know what you want! I'm very happy for you! :)
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Posted by Mandie142
on 2008-04-11 13:17:33
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