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When I dated Brian, I REALLY wanted it to work out. From the moment I met him, I felt a connection and, despite a constant flashing red light signaling danger ahead, I held on to that connection like a tourist holds on to the handle in the back seat of a New York City cab. I was so insistent that he be "the one", I saw only the good and was blind to the bad. In response to panicky emails to my friends asking for advice, they would share their thoughts and warn me not to be too torn up if he did not end up being the one. They would make me promise to keep dating others and to let Brian go if he couldn't make me happy. I genuinely believed I was listening to my friends but deep inside, I always thought to myself "he's GOT to be the one because I've never wanted it so badly before. That must mean something, right?".
When Brian's actions or lack thereof left me wanting more or made me feel anxious or otherwise "unhappy", rather than find fault with him, I would doubt myself. When he started spreading out our dates over several weeks, I outwardly played it cool as I did not want to appear "needy", but wondered inwardly if he would want to spend more time with me if I had been more interesting the last time we went out. When Brian barely made a move on me physically, I questioned my own appeal. I even asked him if he found me attractive and continued to invite him up to my apartment after every date. Rather than question his own sexual "story", I worried that a more aggressive woman would have better luck. When Brian invited me away with his friends to the beach for a week and barely paid any attention to me in front of them, I didn't push and, although I am certain my disappointment showed, I got along famously with all of his friends and made the most of it. Inwardly, I was devastated and moved to tears several times. I wondered if things would have been better if I had made more of an effort to talk to him when we were on the beach; to sit next to him when we drank beers on the back porch etc.
I was reassured by friends and family that, after dating for several months, a couple should spend MORE time together and not less. I was told that asking Brian up to my apartment was a pretty nice hint that I wanted to be more physical with him, and I was told that the way he treated me at the beach with his friends was unacceptable and, since he invited me, he should have made me feel more comfortable. I listened to my friends and family but continued to lose sleep thinking about how I could have done things differently. I thought I had control over the situation. It never occurred to me that, while I could control MY behavior, I could not control HIS.
The bottom line (and it is starting to finally sink in, although writing it down will hopefully facilitate the process) is that Brian and I were NOT compatible - plain and simple. If, in order for things to be different, I had to rip off his clothes and climb on top of him to get him in the mood, he's NOT the guy for me because, in order to be the "aggressor", I need to be pretty darn certain that rejection will not be forthcoming. If I expect a guy who asks me to go away with him to actually spend time with me and make me feel wanted, than a guy who doesn't think such behavior is warranted is obviously NOT the guy for me. Finally, if I hope to get to know someone I like better over a period of time, then a guy who prefers the "status quo" and only wants to hang out a few times a month indefinitely is NOT the guy for me. I kind of like myself the way I am and, while self improvement is always on my "to do" list, becoming a completely different person is not.
The truth is that I am needy. There, I've said it and I will say it again - I am needy. I want and need to be with someone who reassures me on a regular basis that he adores me. (I don't need him to tell me 36 times a day "I adore you Meredith" but actions speak volumes.) Even if I was still dating Brian, he would never be able to provide me the reassurance I need to make me feel happy and secure and I would always be frustrated and wanting more.
Although I am still holding on to that connection, I have a looser grip and am almost ready to let go. I have a third date with Camera Guy this weekend and, as I read back my past blogs about him, I realize that, at least so far, he is the "Anti-Brian".
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Posted by Meredith on 2008-03-19 14:27:11 | Rating: | Views: 134
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I know what you mean. I dont think you're needy, I think you're juat a normal human being with normal human being needs. :)
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Posted by perfectlybroken
on 2008-03-19 15:11:20
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I think a lot of women have these feelings. I know I do. Who doesn't want to know and feel like they are adored? Like you said, I don't have to hear it, but actions do speak loudly.
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Posted by sexykellitrent
on 2008-03-19 16:11:50
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Meredith you don't sound needy to me.I believe you hit the nail on the head,the two of you weren't compatible.I am wondering if Brian was afraid of being intimate in all areas of a relationship?Either afraid or didn't have a clue or maybe he was too self absorbed?He sounds very aloof.I hope I am not coming off as being mean?My Mother instincts are kicking in and I feel the need to take jabs at him for not being nice to you.
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Posted by pitapie50
on 2008-03-20 07:41:08
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I read your post and I feel like I could have written it because things are so similar to my current relationship. I think I get the most he can give but I always feel like I'm missing something and like I need to change in order for him to fully love me. The similarities are wierd, including the name! I believe by letting go you will find that special one. I don't think we are mean to be alone.
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Posted by prelude2it
on 2008-03-20 09:12:29
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Pitapie50 - you are not being mean and, in fact, are right on the money as far as Brian being aloof. I guess I thought if I was "better", I could get him to warm up to me but, to be honest, I don't think he'd even warm up to Angelina Jolie! And Prelude2it, I feel the same way sometimes when I read your posts - lots of similarities. I don't think either of us should have to change who we are to make things work. If we were meant to be with our respective Brians, it probably wouldn't be so much work. Thanks to all for the comments and for making me feel less "needy"!
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Posted by Meredith
on 2008-03-20 10:31:44
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good luck meredith..i do hope you find the guy whos meant to be urs and i hope he gives u all the happiness you deserve..and trust me, if u call that needy, im waaay more needy..as u might've noticed from my post! :) Anyway, good luck...
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-03-21 11:19:14
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I can so relate to this post. I remember years ago when asking for a little cuddle time in a relationship I was told "why do you have to be so needy, Colorado?". Of course I doubted myself thinking .... "what in the world is wrong with you, Colorado" .... along with guilt and shame quickly becoming my closest companions.
It took me a long time to learn this, but just because a person has needs DOESN'T make them needy. The key is to find someone with similar needs who is compatible with my personality. I'm a person who loves touch ... holding hands, hugging etc. A person who is not into touching is not for me. I love to hear words of endearment. Someone with poor communication skills is not for me.
I continue to learn new things each day. Just this past week I realized that I tend to pick people who are in a situation similar to mine thinking they want and are looking for the same thing I am .... NOT!!! There is a myth that everyone is compatible with everyone else. There are times you just have to acknowledge that you don't click and move on. Doing so is a blessing as each person is set free to pursue and find the "right" person for them. Peace.
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Posted by ColoradoDreamin
on 2008-03-21 16:20:45
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I sure would not call you needy at all.
The things you want, to me, are the basic things that every loving relationship should have in it. It should be there from the start, you should not have to go looking for it, dropping hints or spend time fretting about it.
There is a reason that your about to break free of him. That reason is simply, he's not the one for you.
But don't dispair. When you find the right one, you won't be writting blogs about him other then to tell us all just how great he is.
My sense of it is, I'll be reading that blog in the not too distant future.
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Posted by templar_knight
on 2008-03-21 21:26:07
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Thank you for your optimism, Templar_knight! And, Colorado, I agree that moving on leaves us free to find the right person. I am totally looking forward to finding the right person for me. But why does the thought of him finding the right girl for him (not me), still make me physically ill??
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Posted by Meredith
on 2008-03-22 13:13:55
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Once I told my husband that I wanted to be adored and the conversation did not go the way I had anticipated. He made me feel like that was certainly the wrong word....he felt that no one should be adored...at the time, I was pretty upset with him...but we sort of compromised, and came up with a new word....cherished....I'll admit, I like that word too, but I would still love to be adored.
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Posted by roe
on 2008-03-22 23:08:26
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