I met this really great woman at a Meetup event. We sat next to each other and talked the entire time. Besides being single and searching for “the one”, we shared an interest in trying new restaurants in the city. I do not have that many single girlfriends in the area anymore and thought it might be nice to make a new friend. So, as the evening approached its conclusion, I decided to ask for her phone number. (Don’t laugh, but I was actually nervous prior to asking and feared that she would not want to pursue a friendship with me; almost like I was asking her out on a date!) My fears were unwarranted as she gave me her card and said she’d definitely like to keep in touch. In the next several months, we got together a handful of times. We tried a few new restaurants in the city and swapped stories about men, our careers and other miscellaneous topics. My meet-up friend is a few years older, a bit wiser and a lot tougher than me, and she yelled at me until I promised to stop sharing so much personal information with my mother. (Although she later apologized for being such a bully, I was actually glad that she knocked some sense into me because the cord attaching my mother and I was supposed to have been cut 36 years ago.) Anyway, I thought she was a really fun girl and I was excited about my new friend. She introduced me to another woman she had met at a different Meetup and the three of us went ice-skating in Brooklyn and out for dinner and drinks afterwards. That night, we discussed the possibility of, at some later date, going to Artisanal for wine and cheese and shopping for lingerie afterwards in our slightly tipsy state. Back in college, I used to get really drunk and sometimes, when I looked in the mirror in the bar bathroom, I would think inwardly “I look really hot”. I called it “beer goggling on myself”. Perhaps we thought that if we went lingerie shopping a bit schnuckered, rather than stress about how “fat” we looked, we’d see Scarlett Johansson’s body when we looked in the three way mirror. Anyway, when that night ended, we were all excited about our upcoming wine/cheese/lingerie shopping day.

That was in January and I haven’t seen my Meetup friend since. I attempted to get in touch with her, even emailed her twice in a row. She responded to my second email and said she had a lot going on but would definitely get in touch with me in the next week or so to make plans. I told her I was sorry things were so hectic and to just get in touch when things calmed down. I never heard from her again and have been contemplating whether I should make one last effort since I do really like her. Alan (my boss and dear friend) thought the idea of three women getting drunk and going lingerie shopping was “totally hot”. He would often ask “so, when are you and your “Meetup girlfriend” getting drunk and trying on g-strings?” The last time he asked, I told him that I had no idea since my Meetup friend was making no effort with respect to our friendship. Alan, always the clever one, responded: “Maybe she’s just not that into you”.

Most girls (at least single ones) have heard of (and likely read) the book "He's Just Not That Into You". My friend Dee actually gave me a pocket-sized version of the book so I could carry it with me always. During one of my weaker phases, I would read the chapter entitled "he's not that into you if he's not calling you" in order to find the strength to wait it out rather than email a certain someone. (Thanks, Dee!) An entire episode of Sex and The City, a book and an upcoming movie have been devoted to the “he’s just not that into you” phenomenon, in order to provide a woman with guidance as to when it is time to cut her losses and move on to a man who won’t “waste the pretty”.  What about friends (platonic, same sex friends) who stop making any efforts to sustain the friendship? I wonder if anyone ever thought of writing a book to provide a woman (or man) with guidance as to when it is time to call it quits on a seemingly one-sided friendship.

I briefly perused the internet and could not locate any such book online. Relying on my own instincts I have concluded that, yes, I have enjoyed the company of my Meetup friend and I am disappointed that we did not have an opportunity to develop a real friendship. As such, if I hear from her again, I will not stand on ceremony and will certainly be open to resuming our friendship (with lower expectations). On the other hand, I met my Meetup friend less than six months ago. I clearly do not have much vested in our friendship and, while I would certainly not give up so easily on a friend I have had for years who has lots of goodwill in the “friendship bank”, I do not feel the need to make comparable efforts in this case.

Although Alan asked me to reconsider my position and email her one more time “for him”, I would rather expend my energy and precious free time nurturing my existing, mutually fulfilling friendships, rather than chasing a one-sided friendship with a girl who is clearly “just not that into me”.