Why is it that one rude guy has the power to adversely affect my own self confidence, at least temporarily?

I am a member of a dinner club for singles. The club arranges dinners at various restaurants in the city for four girls and four boys based on age and interests as set forth in each member's profile, and no woman will dine with the same man more than once. The membership fee is pretty significant and the cost of each dinner is separate so it is a pretty expensive endeavor. After weighing the costs and benefits, however, I decided it was worth it. I am a total foodie and love trying new restaurants in the city. The way I see it, even if I do not click with anyone at the table, at the very least, I get to try a new restaurant and probably enjoy a good meal.

I went to one dinner last month and had a great time and a great meal. I even went on a date with one of the men who was seated at my table. I wasn't attracted to him but he made me laugh so much at the dinner that I decided to accept when he emailed me the next day and asked if I wanted to get together again. Although our one-on-one dinner was pleasant enough, there was no spark and I knew pretty quickly that a second date would not be in our future. (I had also already met Camera Guy so I might not have been as open minded as I could have been.)

Anyway, I had signed up for another dinner for this week and, even though I have been out with Camera Guy several times, we are not "exclusive" so I felt no obligation to cancel. Plus, I think keeping my options open is a good idea at this stage. The Moroccan/French restaurant where we were eating was close to both my office (from which I left directly) and my apartment, so the commute was certainly convenient enough. The weather in New York was crappy yesterday, the kind that turns my hair frizzy. Although I usually keep it covered under a hat while "en route", it was too hot outside and I didn't want to show up at the restaurant with beads of sweat on my forehead. I also just got a haircut last week and, for some reason, I have difficulty doing my hair for the first week after a haircut. I feared that I looked pretty horrible by the time I got to the restaurant. I arrived before any of the men and all but one of the women so I immediately went to the bathroom where my fears were confirmed - my hair looked like crap. I cursed at myself in the mirror and did a quick fix, although I was not entirely confident about my appearance when I returned to the bar where the hostess was waiting to make the introductions. None of the men had shown up yet and, this might sound mean, but I was relieved to see that none of the other women were knockouts. Hey, it's a tough market out there and I don't want the competition to be too stiff! (I know it is not all about looks but, let's face it, it is the first thing we see and people make initial judgments based on looks which may or not change after getting to know someone. Although I am not proud of it, I do worry about being unfavorably compared to other women at these events.)

The first guy, Steven, finally arrived and, after making my initial judgment based on his looks (see above), I was not floored, but he was alright looking and I was more than willing to get to know him over dinner. He, on the other hand, did not seem enthusiastic about being there. The dinner club hostess, a very cute, petite, part-time singer/dancer, introduced Steven to me and the other girls and he couldn't muster more than a very dry "nice to meet you", accompanied by a very weak handshake. I thought perhaps he was shy and that he would warm up after a few sips of wine (or at least once we were seated at the table) and I decided to direct my attention to the next man who had arrived - Adriane - in the meantime. I was not initially attracted to him either but, again, looked forward to getting to know him over dinner. Adriane began a conversation with one of the other women while the other two girls and I talked to the chatty hostess who shared her horrific experience of being hit by an SUV and dragged four city blocks several years ago. (It is truly a miracle that she not only survived but continues to be a professional dancer!) During this time, I noticed that Steven was outside talking on his cell phone. Anyway, the women were extremely friendly and I enjoyed their company while waiting for the other two men to arrive. I must admit that my usually optimistic outlook took a leave of absence and I was pretty convinced that, if I weighed the success of the evening based on meeting a potential mate, the night would be a failure. Thankfully, I didn't join the club with real expectations of finding my future husband and I still looked forward to simply talking with my new "friends" and enjoying some Moroccan food. The wine was going down pretty nicely as well...

Although two of the men had not yet arrived, we eventually sat down at the table where seats were pre-arranged boy, girl, boy, girl. I was seated next to Stan (one of the late arrivals) and Steven. Vaughn, the third guy, finally arrived and his bubbly personality more than made up for his tardiness. The hostess is only there to make the introductions and buy us a first round of drinks. She does not stay for dinner so, at that point, it was four girls and two guys (Adriane and Vaughn) at the table and that's the way it remained. Stan never showed up. I will give him the benefit of the doubt that perhaps he had a work/family emergency. Steven, on the other hand, showed up, drank his free glass of wine, said no more than two words to anyone and LEFT and I will NOT give him the benefit of the doubt that something "suddenly came up". Based on Steven's aloof demeanor from the get-go, I am willing to bet my two tickets to the Yankee game on July 8th that he checked out the women with whom he was to be dining, felt no initial attraction to any of us, and decided not to "waste his time". He simply skipped out without so much as a "see ya" to the hostess!

On the one hand, I really do not care that I did not get to know this guy better. Even if he was sufficiently attracted to any of us to make staying at the dinner "worth his while", the fact that he would do something like that to anyone suggests a true lack of character on his part and I have no desire to waste any time on someone like him. On the other hand, I am a pretty sensitive person and had trouble getting past the notion that Steven had taken a look at me and decided to LEAVE. If Steven had simply not been attracted to me, I would not be upset, especially since I was not attracted to him either. I certainly do not expect every guy to be attracted to me and was not torn up that the two other men were not falling over themselves trying to get my attention. Despite this, throughout the entire dinner, I was concerned that I had suddenly become ugly. Or perhaps I had always been ugly and just didn't know it. Or maybe I was just a plain jane. It is truly pathetic that I gave this jerk the power to play with my self confidence that way.  Since I was not the only woman he insulted last night, I wonder if the others were secretly doubting their own appeal as well or whether it is only my self confidence that is so fragile. 

While I had a good time at dinner (ate some tasty food and met five nice people), the portion of the night that remains etched in my memory, unfortunately, is Steven's great escape.   If Steven gave any thought as to what, if any, effect his behavior would have on his dinnermates prior to leaving the restaurant last night, he obviously did not care enough to do the right thing. Although he probably slept like a baby last night, I take comfort knowing that he likely slept alone and will continue to sleep alone unless he can find someone equally shallow to bed. Of course, he might have to stick around more than 5 minutes to meet her.