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| Obla-di Obla-da Life goes on...
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First of all, I want to thank the many people who commented on my last blog, and the others who sent me a private email message. It is my nature to blame myself, and it meant a lot to be assured that Brian is the one at fault in this scenario and not me. I was afraid that, since I “started it” with my snarky comment regarding Brian’s failure to timely respond to my email, I had asked for such harsh words in response. Thank you all for hating Brian on my behalf!
I haven’t heard from him and am not even certain he has any clue how angry I am. I wonder if he even realizes that, with those few sentences, he changed everything. I didn’t have to push him off the pedestal on which I misguidedly placed him; he stepped off all on his own. At the same time, my feelings for him developed over a long period of time and, while I no longer dream of a happy ending with him, they didn’t simply disappear when I read his email. I am angry (reeling, in fact) for sure, but when the anger subsides, the sadness will undoubtedly come. I really cared about him and, while my dreams that he be “the one” were wishful thinking more than reality-based, I truly believed he cared for me in his own way. The fact that he would not only speak that way to me (with such mean spiritedness, disdain and condensation), but seemingly feel no remorse hurts like a bitch. I also feel so damn stupid that I chose him to feel so strongly about when there are so many other men who are far more deserving of my heart.
In my weaker moments, I wish I could take back the email I wrote on Wednesday morning. If I hadn’t written that email, I would not have been on the receiving end of Brian’s mean side, a side I didn’t know existed until then. The truth is, however, that, Brian’s mean streak existed whether or not he showed it to me, and he was clearly capable of directing his venom in my direction all of this time. As painful as this is, I would rather open my eyes to it now then continue to live in a constant state of limbo and uncertainty. I am now certain he is self-centered. I am now certain that he is an ego maniac and I am now certain that he is not good enough for me.
I am certainly guilty of hurting a friend’s feelings by saying something insensitive in anger or in haste. The difference between me and Brian, however, is that I instantaneously feel incredibly guilty for my words. Until I apologize, I agonize over the effect such words had on my friend and I contemplate the possible consequences of my actions. I wonder if Brian has lost even a second of focus at work over this or a minute of sleep. If he has, he certainly has taken no actions to make up for it.
My sister has urged me to block his email address/phone number in order to save myself from obsessing over whether an apology will be forthcoming. Right or wrong, however, I want to know if I will hear from him. I want to know whether he will apologize or if he will blame me for driving him to write such harsh words. If he contacts me, I honestly don’t know how I will respond, but I assure you all that I am no longer the puppet on a string I was when I woke up on Wednesday morning.
I’m actually surprised that I have not had a stronger emotional reaction to his email. I am surprised that I haven’t cried and that, for the most part, I’ve just gone about my life as if nothing happened. Although I must confess that, on Wednesday night, I picked up a bottle of wine and got trashed all by myself (on a glass and a half – I’m a light weight people), things have otherwise been “life as usual”. I finished out the week at work and was quite productive; I slept soundly at night; I went to the gym every morning; and I hung out with friends. This weekend, I attended my first Yankee game of the season and, although they lost, I had a blast. I was initially alarmed to discover that no beer was sold in my section since it was the “family section”. I bought the tickets from a season ticket holder at work who had not shared that pertinent bit of information with me. I bought beers inside and drank anyway and, although I might have been “breaking the law”, I didn’t care. Baseball without beer is like a movie without popcorn. My sister assured me via text message that she would bail me out if I got arrested and so I caught a nice buzz watching the Yankees barely put up a fight in a 6:0 loss. I couldn’t believe the Yankees lost two to the Reds – a team that was last in its division. Thankfully, they won today because a sweep would have been embarrassing.
To conclude on a positive note, I have a date tomorrow night. I met the guy at one of those single dinners I wrote about in my “Power to Steven” blog. He sat next to me at dinner and, by the time we finished our meal, I hoped he would call me. He’s a bit older than me, but relatively immature (in a good way). He’s funny, seems smart and is somewhat of a geek which I find appealing. (I am very into smart, dorky guys as long as they are cute and know how to have a good time.) He’s also very active and, from what I could see, in pretty good shape. He sort of looks like a younger version of my dad though which, not withstanding the fact that my dad is quite a good looking fellow, is disturbing on so many levels. Anyway, we are meeting at a wine bar tomorrow night and I’m looking forward to it. If nothing else, it will be a healthy distraction from thoughts of Brian.
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Posted by Meredith on 2008-06-22 21:21:05 | Rating: | Views: 240
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Meredith - some words Colorado told me once, ring in my ear when I read this .... "If a person shows you what they are like, believe them."
Sadly he's done that here and on other occassions.
But on a brighter note, I really hope your date is great.
Stopped by to say Hi. Enjoy your Week. Monday is going to be great.
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-06-22 22:11:02
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I'm relieved to hear that you are not tormented over what Brian did to you.
Looking forward to hearing about your date, if you feel like sharing! :)
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Posted by BootLady
on 2008-06-22 22:45:58
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You know what, don't even sweat it...just continue to do what you do. Try not to think about him, and if he emails you, take it from there.
Go get a pedicure you crazy girl :)
btw, I caught your yankees playing today, they won...but did you see Giambi's porno mustache? What's up with that? lol!
Have a good time on the date. ;)
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Posted by LuckyLuci
on 2008-06-22 22:45:59
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I think what happened with Brian happened for a reason.
On a better note. I'm really happy about your date! I can't wait to hear how it went. See you soon!
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Posted by prelude2it
on 2008-06-22 23:12:20
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Hugs, have a good time on your date!
And to Brian? Pffffffffffft!
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Posted by 1221dol0306
on 2008-06-23 00:17:03
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"He’s a bit older than me, but relatively immature" (in a good way). ....."is somewhat of a geek"
"a dorky guy."...
"He sort of looks like a younger version of my dad"
(remember he is the man you are not too fond of babe! ....to say the least...so while you are sitting across from him at the wine bar you had better have more than 1 1/2 glasses, so you wont be able to see straight and be reminded of your dad every time you look at him)
"If nothing else, it will be a healthy distraction from thoughts of Brian."
Mer, is it me, are you serious or just pulling our leg? You are actually going out with a look alike of your dad, who is a tad older and immature... dorky and geek like....and you think this is a healthy distraction from thoughts of Brian!
healthy ????
honey...this date had better be funny!good blogging material!
healthy would not exactly be the word I would use to describe this one...I sure hope it doesnt backfire and make Brian look like Carries, Big, and even more appealing to you, after this wild and crazy date?
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Posted by roe
on 2008-06-23 00:27:34
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*hugs*
you'll be fine Meri :)
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-06-23 02:14:34
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Wow, Meri, I'm so happy you're moving on! Of course it'll hurt for awhile, but that's to be expected.
If he does apologize, do you think you'd accept that or not? Or would he even apologize in the first place? Given that nasty email he sent you, it doesn't sound like he would.. He sounds very defensive...
Either way, you are *so* better off without him, and if he didn't let his nastiness show through now it would have manifested itself in another, possibly uglier way later on.
I hope you have a good time on your date!! Best of luck, Meri! :D
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Posted by Mezlie
on 2008-06-23 05:47:04
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By the way... Love the title of this blog, go Beatles songs. :P
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Posted by Mezlie
on 2008-06-23 05:48:12
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Hey... It seems you have allreadu worked through the full range of emotions on this one. I really have no words of wisdom on this one... I think you have it handled lol besides you allready know I think your awesome. and see I just made you smile... my work here is done! Keep your chin up
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Posted by DouglasMB
on 2008-06-23 07:13:37
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I feel the need to defend my "date" to Roe -
What I meant by "immature" is that he is 8 years older than me but doesn't act "old".
When I say "geeky", I mean it in the best way possible - I have no interest in going out with the "coolest" guy on the block - I like guys who can laugh at themselves and don't always know the cool thing to say. I also like guys with brains.
My Dad is handsome and looks younger than his age so, except for the whole fact that he sort of looks like my dad, the handsome and young looking part is good.
I was not pulling your leg, my friend, this is a real date and I am looking forward to it.
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Posted by Meredith
on 2008-06-23 10:00:46
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Everything happens for a reason & you getting that response from Brian was a way of getting closure. It's a good thing, really it is.
I do wish you the best of luck on your date...can't wait to hear all the details. ;)
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Posted by Mandie142
on 2008-06-23 14:04:59
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PS - Love the title of the blog! I love The Beatles!
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Posted by Mandie142
on 2008-06-23 14:05:22
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"Baseball without beer is like a movie without popcorn."
Couldn't have said it better myself... we, too, made that family section mistake once.
I bet that Brian will probably like contact you down the road not even realizing/remembering the nasty exchange. Amazing how guys can just brush things away. At least you got to witness his snarkiness directed at you so you can now officially know that he's not going to be your one.
Date sounds awesome! Can't wait to read about it!
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Posted by TheAlreadyJaded
on 2008-06-23 15:32:22
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You handled this great. I hope that you never think you are patheric again. Because you are very strong and never pathetic.
Hope things work out great on your date. Look forward to update, it you care to share.
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Posted by Fancie
on 2008-06-23 17:41:55
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We have all chosen someone to give 100% of ourselves to and it backfired, leaving us feeling embarrassed or stupid for not giving our heart to someone more deserving. So don't allow yourself to feel that way, because we have all been there....live and learn, right?
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Posted by nakedtruth
on 2008-06-23 18:35:59
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I soooo have my fingers crossed for you and your date!!! :) :) :) I can't wait to hear how it went!!! :)
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Posted by helen1282
on 2008-06-23 19:00:36
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I really liked Easy's quote: If someone shows you what they are like, believe them. I'm going to post-it note that on my desk. Or maybe tattoo it to my forehead. That way, it NEVER gets lost
Anyhoo, you know my thoughts on this, so I will only take up a small portion of your comment space: Brian is a douchebag. A smarmy little condescending toad. And may I just point out that any personal responsibility accepted for "driving" anyone to be cruel or harmful is often the famous last cry of a battered woman? You wouldn't believe a battered woman asked for her abuse, would you? Then why would you EVER think you somehow brought his cruelty on yourself? Nu-uh!
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Posted by BlueMoonInMyEye
on 2008-06-23 22:37:13
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oh roe is me!
I am so sorry Mer!!!!!!!!!!!
I was really really tired when I read your post and I have a million other excuses, in case you need another one
but to be totally honest, which I am at all times, but sometimes, not often there are exceptions...another story...
anyway...I thought you were being funny. Im so sorry!!!!!!!!!!!!
You dont have to defend yourself sweetie, I think you are a smart cookie and Im not too worried about your judgement!
I hope I did not hurt your feelings!!!
I swear, I wish I would just learn my lesson.
I sort of jump in and make my comment and jump out. Most of the time when I log on to never never blog land, I should be doing something else, and I feel so rushed, not to mention occasionally a bit naughty and plenty guilty.
Today for example, Here I am at a panera bread and I never knew you could get the internet while eating lunch!
Amazing!
I brought my computer in because I am working on something and then started talking to the manager in training and he is pretty cute, too bad you did not live in Chicago, he has a lot of bread!...I mean the guy even smells like it... not that you are looking for someone that has alot of dough...
anyway, I digress...
he showed me how to connect, I might never leave...the bread in my turkey sandwich will be hard as a rock before I am ready to leave this oh so comfy chair, with quite a darling pattern... and go home to pure chaos! The people here walk by me and smile, its paradise! I wonder how long I could stay before they ask me to leave, oh, thats another story...please dont me mad at me...I would never get over it!
Id end up a crusty old lady!
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Posted by roe
on 2008-06-24 15:35:44
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I've always been one of the kind of people that feels guilty for things I didn't even do if someone else thinks I did do them. Crazy I know....
Anyway I don't think you have any reason to feel guilty for what you wrote.
I hope the new guy can help turn off all the Brian stuff running through your head. There is no reason for you to stew and feel that you did anything that warranted his BS baby response!
Cheers to you Meri and good luck!
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Posted by anotherdaze
on 2008-06-25 17:13:06
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