I have always been comfortable sharing my more "shallow" posts with others. You know, the posts about bad/good first dates, my loveable but often overbearing Jewish mother etc. I welcome readers - friends and strangers alike - to my blog. I want to write professionally someday and think blogging is a good way to determine if I am any good at it. Of course, I also do it because I love to write for "writings sake".

When I joined here, in addition to writing my own posts, I read those of others and made friends with several other members. I admired the willingness and ability of my friends to really put themselves out there and share their deepest, darkest thoughts, along with their humorous anecdotes. I guess your courage was contagious and I began to segue from my lighthearted posts to those about my father's betrayal, lingering feelings for an old "boyfriend" and unrequited love. Since my family and friends don't want to hear it anymore (or perhaps I am just too embarrassed to admit my feelings to them), it felt good to let it all out and receive the support from my new friends here.

When I first joined Thoughts, I had this ridiculous assumption that the only readers were other members. Then one day, I checked out who was online and, in addition to the 50 or so members online at the time, there were about 1000 "guests". It had somehow never occurred to me that it was not just my "friends" or fellow bloggers who were reading my posts and, therefore, privy to my deepest feelings, regrets, wishes and fears; but strangers too. Between that and discovering that my mother had somehow found my blog, I changed the settings on many of my posts to give access to only "friends" before I left for Costa Rica. I also spent days feeling exposed and paranoid. (Apparently, my comfort level with respect to sharing posts with others was limited based on the content of said post.)

I guess I am facing a bit of a dilemma - the reason I initially joined Thoughts was because I was dissatisfied with posting on Myspace. I could track the number of readers on Myspace and was disappointed with the lack of traffic. I also received comments only from my friends and sometimes not at all. It seems that the "most popular blogs" on Myspace are of an explicit sexual nature and that's just not me. I have no desire to write an entire post about how to give the best head. (I wouldn't mind reading one though - just for educational purposes, of course :) ) I do not want to choose the subject matter of a post based on whether I think others will read it. I want to write about me and my experiences - it's what I know and it's what I am a good at. BUT, in all honesty, I must confess that I WANT other people to read my blogs and I WANT other people to comment. When some of you sent me comments welcoming me back this week and telling me that you missed my posts, it made me so happy. Part of the happiness was a result of feeling truly accepted here - Easy even mentioned in one of her posts that she wanted me to come home from vacation because she missed me. I was truly touched. Part of the happiness resulting from these comments , however, came from the knowledge that people actually enjoy reading what I write. When someone says he/she likes my writing style, I feel wonderful since writing is my passion. I can't sing, dance, calculate complicated mathematical formulas, draw or play the piano with my toes. Writing is all I've got! I was extremely flattered when a non member joined the site for the sole purpose of commenting on one of my posts. (I was not thrilled with the content of his comment, but flattered just the same.) I write from the heart and guess I feel validated when others care enough to read what I have to say and, in some cases, share their opinions/advice.

My dilemma is this: I both want everyone to read my blog and fear people reading my blog at the same time. Although part of me wants to be anonymous and, like others, post without a picture and under a pseudo name so that I can express more "secret" feelings, another part is proud of some of my posts and wants to take credit for them.  I hope wanting to "take credit" does not strike you all as shallow, and secretly (err, not so secretly anymore...) hope that at least some of you feel the same way.

I am also curious about who really is reading my blog. My posts are generally read anywhere between 50 and close to 200 times. If I count the comments from 20 or so "regulars" (Blue, Prelude, Bullseye, Mandie, Ellie, Pita, Bittersweet, Angel, Easy, Roe, Colorado etc.) and the number of times I go back to a post to either respond to a comment or make an edit, that only amounts to about 30 views. I am curious as to who the other 20-170 viewers are. Is it the same 20-170 people each time? Do the people like my blog? Do they like me? Do they find me horribly annoying and read my posts hoping that Camera Guy has lost interest or that I was severely injured while white water rafting? Do they ever want to comment but do not feel comfortable? Can they relate to anything I have written?

Do YOU all write solely for yourself with no thought to who is reading or do some of you share my curiosity?