* This is an old Blog but I deleted it by accident so it is out of order.

I am having a lot of difficulty getting over someone. For so many reasons, this person did not make me happy. I spent most of our "relationship" trying to figure out if he really liked me and second guessing my own actions. The relationship was not satisfying in so many ways and, as a result, my friends and family cannot understand why I wanted it so badly in the first place.

I have come to realize that it is not "Brian" that I want so badly; I simply want to find someone who makes me feel all of the wonderful things I felt when I was with him (without the bad). I have been single a long time and Brian was the first guy I truly fell for in close to 10 years. Sure, I dated other men and had some mini-relationships, but I never got vested emotionally. Not because I was avoiding it, but simply because the emotions were not there. Everytime I was with him, within 5 minutes, I had this feeling of contentment, like there was nowhere else I wanted to be and no one else I wanted to be with. It's not that he was the funniest guy in the world or even the most interesting and I cannot pinpoint exactly what it was. I can say that he is a quiet person - he does not say things just to hear his own voice, but when he does speak, it is usually meaningful. He is not the kind of guy who laughs at everything or is easily engaged but I could make him laugh and I could bring a genuine smile to his face. When I did make him laugh or elicit a smile from him, it made me so happy. I also felt so safe when I was with him. Not safe within the boundaries of our own relationship (God no - whenever I confronted him about "us", I got nervous to the point of nausea) but safe in the sense that I could tell him almost anything about myself and knew he wouldn't judge me. When he touched me, even just to rub my back while we watched a Yankee game at the neighborhood bar, I felt tingles throughout my entire body. And when I looked at him, I never wanted to look away. He isn't "hot" but I was definitely hot for him. He made me nervous in a good way and, if I wasn't a klutz already, I certainly was around him. (I would drop things, bang into doorways, trip etc. in his presence on a regular basis) It sounds kind of crazy, but I LIKED that he had that effect on me because no one else had in such a long time and I had begun to forget what it felt like. Having such strong feelings for him made me feel alive. Finally, when I dated others in the past, I always had a secret "crush" on someone else who I would be with in my "perfect world". With Brian, there was no one else. In my perfect world, I would be with him.

In my perfect world, however, when Brian looks at me, I can see in his eyes that he feels for me what I feel for him. In my perfect world, it's not just me desiring Brian, but Brian can't take his hands off of me either. In my perfect world, Brian would never make me doubt that I make him happy or that he is happy to be with me. The fact is, however, that I am not living in a perfect world and Brian is not the "one". What now? On the one hand, my feelings for Brian have shown me that I am capable of really falling for someone and that is a good thing. Dating Brian and subsequently ending the relationship have also taught me that I am strong enough to not settle for less than I want, need and deserve in a relationship. Now that I remember what it feels like to feel so passionately about someone, however, I don't want to settle for the luke-warm feelings I had with the men before him and it makes it that much harder to give other guys a chance. I wonder how long it will be, if ever, before I meet someone who makes me feel "alive" again and whether the next time, the feelings will be reciprocated.