Have you ever noticed that, with a few exceptions, characters on television shows and soap operas fall in and out of love as often as they change outfits? They never seem to suffer from heartache for more than an episode or two before falling in love with someone else and erasing all memories of the previous guy. For example, on One Tree Hill, Lucas was deeply in love with Brooke one season only to be madly enamored with Peyton the next. Brooke became involved with someone else and quickly moved on from Lucas when just months previously he was the love of her life. On General Hospital, Jason and Sam were a "Super Couple" for years until Sam slept with Ric and Jason got Liz pregnant. Although viewers certainly witnessed Sam's misery over losing Jason, it was only a few weeks before Sam not only slept with Lucky, but seemingly fell in love with him. I can cite countless other examples of characters on television shows recovering from a broken heart simply by directing the focus of their amorous feelings to someone new.

I watch a lot of television and believed that "real" people could also stop caring for one person if they could find another person to take his place. (I have confessed in previous posts that my experience in the ways of love is a bit limited. I am, by definition, a late bloomer in many ways.) Anyway, after I told Brian I could no longer date him, I was devastated beyond description. I wondered when and if I would ever care for someone like that again and if my feelings would ever be reciprocated. My friends and family were relieved that I ended things and urged me to get right back out there, start dating and find someone new and I agreed that it was the best way to really move on.

Soon after I stopped dating Brian, I went out with Steve (the 25 year old from my previous "Lessons Learned" post) and had a good time. After the date, I sent a text message to my friend "Just had date with 25 year old. Brian who?". Despite the fact that I had a good time on the date, it was Brian who consumed my thoughts when I got home, not Steve. If my date with Steve was THAT good, would I have been thinking about Brian enough to send my friend that text? I went on several more dates and was often asked out a second time. Each time I said to myself "See? Other guys DO find you appealing. Screw Brian!". If I was so convinced that Brian was, as my friend described him "a wishy washy pussy who couldn't get a mouse out of a hole with a chunk of cheese", why would I be upset that, unlike these other men, HE didn't find me so irresistible? Then came Red Sox Guy. He was a guy I met in mid-December, less than 2 months after I stopped seeing Brian. To his credit, he actually was a decent distraction from thoughts of Brian. We had so much fun together and could talk for hours about the goofiest topics. We spent two hours playing "would you rather" on our first date. He asked such questions as whether I would rather have sex with Zach or Slater from Saved by the Bell; Tattoo from Fantasy Island or Arnold Jackson from Different Strokes and I asked if he'd rather have sex with Mrs. Garrett from The Facts of Life or Mrs. Cunningham from Happy Days. We both praised such movies as The Sure Thing, Secret Admirer and The Flamingo Kid over the more obvious movies of that generation like The Breakfast Club and Pretty in Pink. I didn't know anyone else (besides my sister) housed so much esoteric knowledge about television and movies from decades passed and got a kick out of discussing how much it cost to go to Fantasy Island. (Personally, I don't think you can put a price on making a fantasy a reality so I think it involved writing an essay describing why you, above others, deserved to take "Da Plane" to the Island and hang with Mr. Rourke and Tattoo.) Despite the above, dating Red Sox Guy didn't stop me from hoping Brian would call me on my birthday. Dating Red Sox Guy did not stop my heart from beating double time when I received a text message from Brian on Christmas. And, when Red Sox Guy did a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde on me half way through New Year's Eve and our relationship was nipped in the bud, I did not replace regrets about the conclusion of my relationship with Brian with regrets about the conclusion of my relationship with Red Sox Guy. So far, my plan to find a new guy to take Brian's place was off to a lousy start. After Red Sox Guy, I went out on dates with numerous other guys who made so little of an impression that I did not even bother to assign them nicknames. Then I met Camera Guy and, although I did really like him, what I liked most was that he was so different from Brian. The fact that he was the "Anti-Brian" became the focus of my interest in him and that is just not enough on which to base a relationship. For reasons I will not set forth in this post, I have doubts as to whether Camera Guy is the right guy for me and they are separate and apart from my feelings for Brian.  So, at the end of the day, none of the men I have gone out with served to "replace" Brian and my heart still aches for what could've been.

I think what I am in the process of learning is that getting over a broken heart is not simply about falling in love with someone new. It is about allowing time to numb the pain a bit; it is about allowing oneself to reflect on what was wrong/right about the relationship; and it is about coming to terms with the fact that the relationship is over and that it was probably for the best. I have not focused on these things much because my focus has been in finding someone new. Although I will likely continue to go on dates, I will no longer delude myself into thinking that going on dates with other men means that my feelings for Brian have disappeared. While I am not going to shout my feelings from NYC rooftops, I am not going to bury them in shame either. I might even come clean with Brian. As my friends on here know from my recent "friends-only post", I think being honest with myself and him might be the first step to really moving on.