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kissing fool

So, what do you do when you have feelings for someone you can't squash and have 5 days to decide if you want to tell said object of your affection how you feel? If you are me, you go out for 2 drinks, end up drinking closer to 6 and doing a shot of Jameson's Irish Whisky, and wind up sucking face with the 28 year old Office Administrator at your law firm. Yep, my good old friend Kevin turned 28 and, as his birthday gift, I let him walk me home after his party, come up to my apartment and make out with me.

Although not as bad as waking up next to some old, hairy, fat guy and remembering that you had sex with him the night before (not that I would know what THAT feels like), I had major regrets this morning. I did NOT want to do that. First of all, I am trying to take a temporary "break" from men while I sort out my feelings for Brian. Second of all, Kevin is way too young for me and every time I hang out with him, I end up drinking like an underage college student recently in possession of fake i.d. Finally, unlike my position at work, which requires contact with only a select few attorneys and staff members, Kevin's position requires him to communicate with just about everyone at the firm. Any "relationship" with him would be difficult to keep out of the public eye. Since I am clearly not skilled at relationships, the last thing I want to do is start one with someone at work. Especially when I still have feelings for someone else.

Kevin and I have engaged in harmless flirting for the last two years at work and have hung out socially a few times. Last night, however, Kevin admitted to liking me and asked why I date assholes but I won't date him. In my buzzed state, I admitted that I enjoy his company and I am attracted to him but feel uncomfortable with the idea of dating him for the reasons set forth above. Upon receiving confirmation that my feelings for him sort of stretch beyond friendship, Kevin wouldn't let it go. Despite many of his friends coming out to celebrate his birthday, he remained by my side from practically the moment I got there until he insisted on walking me home. I wish I could say I let him leave me in the lobby but I accepted his request to come inside, all the while engaging in a silent debate with myself as to the wisdom of that decision. I really wanted to kiss him at the time, but also knew that with one kiss, I might be starting something I was not prepared to finish.

As an aside, I need to explain that I am not the "fly by the seat of my pants" kind of girl. Not in life and certainly not when it comes to physical intimacy. I think ENTIRELY too much about this stuff and, with a few exceptions, rarely "just do it". This is something that has frustrated the men in my life as far back as I can remember. Sometimes I wish I could channel Samantha Jones and be comfortable with casual sex but it's not me and there was no way, even in my drunken state, that I was going to sleep with Kevin last night. That much was not up for debate, even with myself. As protective as I am with my body and who gets inside it, I am a little too free sometimes with the kissing and last night was no exception and now I feel stupid. Not so much for the kiss but for the conversation that lead up to it. I wish I never verbalized any interest in Kevin because I am not willing, at least at this time, to do anything about it. I told him that, but as the saying goes "actions speak louder than words". After we kissed, I told him that I was not comfortable and I asked him to leave. He just stared at me and remained seated on my couch. I proceeded to get ready for bed as if he wasn't there (washed my face, brushed my teeth, changed into shorts and a t-shirt etc) and when I got out of the bathroom, Kevin had fallen asleep. I allowed him to stay there, got in my own bed and fell asleep. At about 2:30am, Kevin got up, tapped me and said he was going home. Then he gave me a quick kiss and left. I fell back asleep and woke up with, as mentioned above, regrets. It was just a drunken kiss that I should be able to simply laugh off, but I just feel like such an idiot.

It's kind of comical - Easy wrote about me in Angelwing's question of the day that I am where she was 10 years ago but smarter and wiser. Well, considering that I am only 3ish years younger than Easy, it is kind of (and I am going to use the word again) "pathetic" that, in my mid-30s, I am where she was in her late 20s.

Chapter 16 in my personal bible "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff" suggests that before you get worked up over something that seems so important at the moment, you ask yourself "whether this will matter a year from know". I'm no psychic but I am pretty certain that an admission of possible interest and a subsequent kiss will mean absolutely nothing to me in 365 days. Right now, however, there is nothing I dread more than my first contact with Kevin post-kiss.

Posted by Meredith on 2008-05-30 16:38:41 | Rating:

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		Hey Meri - I have to say... once again... you are very very strong. I can honestly say if I had feelings for someone at work or out of work, I couldn't withhold myself... I know that's bad... But seriously... Don't sweat... you'll be embarrassed about it for about 2.5 seconds (or maybe a day or two) after you've seen Kevin, but you'll be fine. Just make sure he knows that it was a drunken kiss, and that's it :) Hope you have a wonderful weekend!
Posted by helen1282 on 2008-05-30 17:27:40


		k so my birthday is..... oh was that out loud lol I am sorry I should not make jokes. I am sorry you are in this spot, allthough you have feeling for someone else you are still human. Allthough I do agree that we need to take care of our selves and really watch who we allow around our bodies, we still need physical contact to feel alive. At least I believe so. Just please be carefull, I would hate to have to tare a road trip to get rid of a stalker lol cause ya got some lil puppy in love with you. haha he is not that young but I thought I would throw that in anyway... Hey Mer do me a favor.... smile lol see I knew you could do it.
Posted by DouglasMB on 2008-05-30 19:31:32


		meri, honey we all do this....god, i remember the time...oh nevermind...lol chin up K
Posted by lastblastkl on 2008-05-30 19:44:19


		I completely understand. I write about all the stupid things I do. You can do this, you are very strong and we will be here afterwards regardless of what happens.
Posted by prelude2it on 2008-05-30 20:48:41


		Meri -- You are human and at the moment in a vulnerable spot. It's hard to live life minus a steady flow of human touch. Kisses are one of the things I miss most living a life without romantic love. As I read your post I thought what would I have done in this situation ... heck ... I would have made out with the guy too and I'm in my mid 50's. There might be a few awkward moments come Monday morning, but in no time at all it will all blow over and settle down. Forgive and be easy on yourself. Peace, Hugs & Love
Posted by ColoradoDreamin on 2008-05-31 01:24:15


		Mer - Firstly - good on you for relaxing and enjoying the moment. That is exactly what I would have done (had I had the chance - actually that's exactly what I did do with the guy from my work remember .. he was also 28!! What is it with 28 year olds!!!??? And the guy at the night club .. another 28 year old) .. Kiss him, sure, sleep with him "NO WAY". Now let me just clarify my comment in Angel's post. I was referring the situation you are in with Brian. You are strong enough to walk away from it, not do your darndest to stay in it, regardless of how belittled he sometimes made you feel. Like I did! I was not strong like you when foty called our "first" wedding date off. I accepted his apology and then went through another 10 years of not really getting out of a partner that I wanted. I envy that you have the chance to find that guy who will be your all, and you to him. Does that make sense?? You are one awesome person and one day you'll find the one who can see that and love you like he should. ... sound like a fortune cookie!
Posted by EasyToSay on 2008-05-31 01:46:36


		Meri: You kissed a guy you are attracted to, people have done worse. All I would suggest is make sure he knows it was a kiss and not a first step and I think he will be fine. If not sic Allen on him LOL
Posted by whiteknight on 2008-05-31 07:54:59


		What causes mental suffering is not the environment but the mind itself. -- Muso Kokushi Please Refer to Chapter 78 in your Personal Bible
Posted by ColoradoDreamin on 2008-05-31 10:25:01


		You know my thoughts on this.....BFD. You kissed him. Drunk. On his birthday. And his question about why you date assholes, and not him, is curious to me. What kinda guy doesn't leave your apartment when you ask him to? A drunken asshole, that's who.
Posted by BlueMoonInMyEye on 2008-05-31 12:38:51


		"I really wanted to kiss him at the time, but also knew that with one kiss, I might be starting something I was not prepared to finish. " Aww man do i know that feeling a little too well. I like this post and you should be thankful that you didnt end up sleeping with him. That would make this a million times more difficult. Nice post though :]
Posted by smileforthecamera on 2008-05-31 22:18:42


		I agree with blue..the fact that you kissed him is no big deal, I'm like you I may be a little to free with my kisses to people. Not that being drunk is an excuse, and not that it's not an excuse, would you have done that stone sober? Maybe not, but maybe it's better that you did. The fact that he did NOT leave when you told him to is a problem. I had a guy get so mad at me that he left me passed out on my couch with my door wide open. I know how akward it can be to start a relationship with someone you work with. One of my friends told me "never get your honey where you get your money". Ever since my work relationship blew shrapnel in my face those are words I live by!!!
Posted by Mamacita925 on 2008-06-02 16:43:52


		Thanks guys. I do feel less stupid than I did a few days ago, although Kevin is avoiding me (and visa-versa) and we still haven't gotten past our first post-kiss contact.
Posted by Meredith on 2008-06-02 17:02:09


		time heals all wounds.... in time it will not be as wierd. So um my birthday is in july lol hahaha
Posted by DouglasMB on 2008-06-02 17:17:11


		I think Kevin will get over it. Hope things get better at work fast! You will get a good man. I just know it. Take care Meri
Posted by Fancie on 2008-06-02 17:51:05


		Hey Mer - maybe better that he is avoiding you, than smothering you and wanting to take it further?? The guy at my work that I kissed was like that to start with. But I think it was more because he got back with his girlfriend than the fact he'd dated me :) We are good friends again now.
Posted by EasyToSay on 2008-06-02 21:34:27