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inherently "Me"; immensely "Annoying"

I am really annoyed with myself and, unlike when a friend pisses me off and I can simply avoid said friend until I cool off, I cannot take a temporary breather from me, myself and I. I have to work with myself, eat with myself, sleep with myself and, the worst one of all, think with myself. My thoughts are sometimes so utterly ridiculous and inconsequential, yet so all-consuming that they drive me bananas. Unfortunately, certain ways of thinking are just my nature and while I make a conscious effort to put things into perspective, they are inherently "me" and, yes, immensely annoying.

For example, I am taking this Facebook thing way too seriously. When I first joined (after my initial feelings of high school insecurity), I was totally psyched because I quickly received friend requests from several of my old classmates, some of them quite surprisingly. I also sent a few friend requests of my own. My requests to others usually included a note along the lines of "it's been a long time! Hope life has treated you well" and I followed up acceptances of requests made to me with similar notes. I quickly discovered that doing so is contrary to the "norm" as most of my "friends" did not send me such notes or even respond to mine! While I thought Facebook was a way to keep in touch with current friends and reconnect with old, it seems like a lot of people just want to clog their profiles with a large quantity of friends with whom they have no real desire to communicate. I was disheartened and, as Blue can attest, really insulted. I have since calmed down and have decided that, while I will continue to send my notes since I truly believe it is the "right" thing to do, I will not take it personally if they are not returned and, instead, will be happy about the friends that do truly want to reconnect with me. The truth is, I have not given most of these people an iota of thought in the past 15 or so years so I should not really care whether or not they are moved to send me a "how ya been?" email or whether they merely want to include me in their friend list. The fact that I take things so personally bothers me. Inherently me; immensely annoying.

Additionally, I tend to jump the gun and assume the worst in people immediately. For instance, I sent an old friend an email and told him how excited I was to have found him online and that I recalled so many good times in his company. He was a really good friend of mine from summer camp back when I was a teenager and we kept in touch in my early 20s. In turn, he sent me a friend request, but he never returned the email. I was so upset and assumed that the desire to reconnect was one-sided and that he, too, just wanted to add another "friend" to his list. Well, I woke up this morning to an email from him saying that he wanted to catch up and see how I was doing. I hate the fact that I have so little faith in others and equally little faith in myself. Why was I SO quick to assume that my old friend would simply ignore my email? Why was I SO quick to assume that he did not also recall good times in our past and a share a desire to see how I've been???? Seriously, I was so afraid that no one would want to add me to his/her friend list and even wondered how many people would even remember me when, in fact, within 48 hours, I received over 10 friend requests from folks in high school, including people I never would have expected to contact me. Again, so little faith in myself. Inherently me; immensely annoying.

(Oh, and speaking of Facebook, Debbie and Rachel, my infamous best friend/bitches from high school, each sent me a friend request. The requests arrived within mere hours of each other which suggests that they discussed the matter between themselves. I guess I could allow bygones to be bygones and accept the requests, but I won't. While I have moved on from the misery they caused me in high school, I am not at all desirous to allow either of them back in my life. If either of them has a real desire to make amends with me, they can send me an email, however, I am not going to simply assume that the friend request sans email is a gesture on their part to make peace. No, it is my belief that they simply want access to my profile to see what I've been up to and they probably assume that I will eagerly grant them said access. They might even want to know if I am just as meek as I was back in high school and will accept their "friendship" no questions asked. If I am wrong, they will send me an email. If I am right, I will be the one rejecting them for once and, I must confess, that even after 17 years, it feels good.)

Another example, I am spending way too much time weighing the pros and cons of going out with Colt 45 one more time; it's truly ridiculous. I am not "excited" in his company and his first kiss did not move the earth for me, yet I do enjoy his company. Since experience can attest to the fact that, to be really happy in a relationship, I need to feel differently around the guy that I am seeing than I do around my platonic friends, it stands to reason that I would not be happy with Colt 45. The dilemma is whether I should go out with him again to see if the feelings can grow or assume that the feelings will not grow and just move on. There are only two possible solutions to this dilemma - go out on one more date with the guy or not. If I choose the former, it is ONE date; not an acceptance of a wedding proposal. If I choose the latter, I am pretty certain Colt 45 will survive. So why is the decision causing me such anxiety?? Why do I feel like going on a third date, when I have a feeling it will be the last, will be leading the guy on? And, if I feel that way, why am I so reluctant to simply pass on the date? Why am I so afraid that my desire for mutual "sparks" is silly? Why am I so fearful that if I keep passing on great guys with whom I feel so comfortable and can be myself simply because a certain chemical reaction is missing, I will be alone forever?

Why are these questions so all-consuming to the point of stomach upset? Because it is inherently me and, yes, immensely annoying. That's why.

Posted by Meredith on 2008-07-09 12:04:06 | Rating:

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		Wow I wanted to catch up on a few blogs before I posted about my bad day. but it seems like nothing compaired to so much of what everyone else has going on. These questions you have are normal, and I think you need someone there. Maybe you want the third date because a new option has not presented its self? And maybe leading him on is a bit extreem. I mean he is a big boy he should know people need a little time to feel each other out. And may appreciate the fact that you gave it such an effort. And giving up on sparks is like giving up on love... the spark is the glue at times... you need it to help hold things together. never feel silly for wanting the spark.
Posted by DouglasMB on 2008-07-09 12:57:05


		Meridith: I say go out with Colt 45, one more date. And if that is a good date then another....but I think that you need to tell him that you feel no spark BUT you like him as a friend and taht the spark could grow. One of two things will happen: He will say he feels the same and you will not get an ulcer or he will say he likes you alot and is sorry that you do not feel the same. If he feels the same he might want to let it grow or he might want to stop. With any of these you ahve been honest, you have let him see what is really going on and you can go from there.
Posted by whiteknight on 2008-07-09 15:00:13


		Here are my thoughts as usual. :) What does it hurt to go out with him one more time and see? If you realize that there is nothing then you can walk away. If you realize there's something then you keep going. You don't have to decide right away as long as you are both comfortable with where you are. I like you always believe the worse in people. I usually only end up hurting myself. I think it's because you have been let down in the past that you are like that and so am I.
Posted by prelude2it on 2008-07-09 15:05:41


		Try to stop getting yourself worked up! You sound like me that you just think too much and make yourself crazy. I have no idea about the good guys with no feeling of awe from you. I don't know if that is something that comes later because I was interested right away with my husband. Maybe others can answer that for you. I just wish you happiness!
Posted by anotherdaze on 2008-07-09 16:12:31


		Awwww Mer.... Gone on one more date with Colt 45. If by the end of the date you don't see it going anywhere the pure friends... just let him know. See how he feels and go from there (I agree with whiteknight)... Sometimes chemistry is there right away... and honestly.... sometimes it builds once you have known someone for awhile... Either way... Give Colt another try... if nothing else... you spent an evening in good company and had a good time!!
Posted by helen1282 on 2008-07-09 18:33:46


		Im with the rest of the crowd, it cant hurt to go, and I think you are perfectly normal, you just write down what you are thinking, and others are peeking into your thoughts, can you imagine what those two bitches are thinking, wouldnt you love to know, do they blog? What if they blog on thoughs under an assumed name? Seriously I am really interested in how face books works, I thought it was just for young people, you of course, but not me...although I would love to find some long lost friends!
Posted by roe on 2008-07-10 01:36:02


		Meredith, we each are what we are and we all see things in different ways. I, like you, get really upset when people let me down. I begin by thinking everyone is a good person and inevitably get disappointed when I find out they're not what they seem. However, in the midst of them are people who shine and who exceed all my expectations. Facebook is not real. It is a marketing tool at best and evil at worst. Don't take it too seriously. You are a very special person, pretty, gifted and talented. A lot of people won't like or understand that. There are other like souls out there for you so use your gifts with them. I look forward some day soon to reading how great things are going for you. Just hang on in there and remember how many people are rooting for you. God bless, E
Posted by overthehillandfar... on 2008-07-10 04:51:46


		Mer, I'm coming from a different approach now..... only go on the third date if you want to. Don't go for the sake of it, don't go to see if there are sparks there... .because I don't think they will materialise then. I thought I wasn't ready to date again, because I've put myself in the spot light with a guy I've tried to "date" again after 7 months since the last time. The spark is definitely not there, and I confused it with not being ready to date. But really I think I'm looking for the "spark" or the "desire" to want to see "him" again. Until I do have that, the guy just isn't the one for me. Unless of course if he's happy to be a platonic mate.
Posted by EasyToSay on 2008-07-10 05:54:01


		Meri, I don't really blame you for being annoyed at all the "friend collectors" on Facebook, I was annoyed with them when I was on Myspace and such. I certainly empathise with your dissapointment, but maybe you could delete them if they never talk at all, maybe they were busy at the time and didn't have time to make a reply, but that's unlikely. Good on you for not accepting Debbie and Rachel's requests, too! :) And I sit with the crowd (except E2S :P) on this one, give him another shot. But I reckon if you feel nothing for him this time, no growing fondness or butterflies, give it a miss. Save your love for someone you're really fond of ;)
Posted by Mezlie on 2008-07-10 07:29:32


		My poor conflicted Meri! Being a rather simple-minded soul myself, I'm of the opinion that you are way over-analyzing the Colt 45 thing. Let me see if I can simplify it for you. A) You like him. B) You have absolutely nothing to lose by sharing his company again. C) You may potentially have everything to lose in the missed-opportunity department if you close this avenue of exploration. Don't read anything into Colt 45, the fact that you enjoy his company, or the fact that there are no sparks. You don't even need to discuss this with him. Just BE. Life is never black and white. Sharing company with someone you like doesn't have to mean either love insert fireworks here or move along a sigh from the crowd. You could be missing out on some cool people - people who don't need little tags that say either "I'm Meri's friend" or "I'm THE ONE" or even "I might have been THE ONE but I didn't spark fast enough." lol - you get the idea. People can't be sorted and categorized. As for Debbie and Rachel, there's gotta some serious satisfaction in stamping that file "REQUEST DENIED!" You hit that one outa the park, girl!
Posted by BootLady on 2008-07-10 07:51:46


		I say go out with Colt 45 one more time. & if you feel nothing but would still like to hang out with him (as friends), tell him that. You may make a great friend from this. I wish you the best girl! :)
Posted by Mandie142 on 2008-07-10 10:53:26


		Thanks for all of your advice guys - you are all awesome and I am so lucky to be the recipient of your objective words of wisdom.
Posted by Meredith on 2008-07-10 11:57:59


		I also agree with the crowd, go out with him again. Be honest. It can't hurt anything, I don't believe. I wish you all the very best, you deserve it.
Posted by Fancie on 2008-07-10 14:39:28


		"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." Rainer Maria Rilke -- Czech Poet ---------------------------------- "Do not despair, saying "my life is gone, and the Friend has not come." He comes ... and out of season. He comes not only at dawn." Djalal ad-Din Rumi Meredith -- Stopped by to catch up with you. Hope you are feeling more at peace than when you wrote this.
Posted by ColoradoDreamin on 2008-07-11 00:13:48


		Drink a Colt 45 before going out with Colt 45.....
Posted by Nutshell on 2008-07-12 10:41:01


		I completely understand....I annoy the hell out of myself all the time! ha By the way....I'm glad you rejected those catty girls on facebook! They probably just wanted to stalk your profile anyway.
Posted by nakedtruth on 2008-07-13 17:06:51


		I so totally understand this post!!! I've asked myself VERY similar questions, and I get annoyed at myself for very similar reasons too :D And I agree, a lot of people on these social networking sites add friends just to look good. I'm so glad you didnt add those two girls! GO YOU!!
Posted by angelwings on 2008-07-14 01:23:44