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| I'm just not that into him
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In one of my first blogs, I categorized my feelings after first dates into three groups as follows: "1) I totally liked the guy and know without reservation that I want to see him again; 2) I totally did NOT like the guy. The date was not fun at all and I am not, and never will be attracted to him. (My test is whether I can picture myself ever even kissing him. If the answer is no, it is hopeless); and 3) I am not really sure how I feel about the guy. There is nothing "wrong" with him and the date was fun but, for whatever reason, there was no romantic spark. After these dates, I tell my friends that the date was ok and, although I wasn't picturing what he looked like naked, I would go out with him again if he asked but I really don't care either way". I also mentioned that I hate the third category the most because "I always have this inner battle with myself as to whether I should give it another chance if he asks. The guy was nice, he was respectful, he's not ugly, etc. There's nothing wrong with him so why don't I like him?"
Anyway, I had a date last night and it fell somewhere between category 2 and 3 ("2.5 Guy"). I liked the guy himself and the date was relatively fun but I wasn't, and don't think I could ever be attracted to him. He sent me an email this morning asking me if I wanted to go out again and my stomach is in knots because, no, I really don't want to go out with him again, but am afraid that I am being premature and setting another good man free to fall in love with some other girl. Because he was a decent guy who treated me well on the date and expressed interest in seeing me again, I am second guessing my first instincts to decline a second date. At the same time, I have learned from past relationships that physical attraction is really important to me and, while I can keep "trying", the time will come when he wants to be "intimate" and I will just have no interest. He was nice and all, but a lot of men are nice, as are a lot of women - that doesn't mean that every "nice" guy will automatically click with every "nice" girl simply because they are both, well, "nice". Why waste the guy's (and my) time? Anyway, I cannot tell you how much I hate being in this position. I would almost rather the guy be a total jerk so I can feel 100% justified in not seeing him again.
If I was never excited after a first date or attracted to someone at first meeting, I would be concerned that I was setting my expectations too high. However, I have been on dates after which I don't have this inner battle with myself and I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I want to hear from the guy again. Most recently, I felt it with Red Sox Guy and there have been many others before him. Despite the fact that these relationships didn't last long term, knowing how it feels to really want to see someone again makes it that much more difficult to settle for less.
It's not like I am looking for a Brad Pitt look alike by any stretch. I am rarely attracted to the "best looking guy in the room". In fact, there have been many guys to whom I have been completely attracted and, after looking at his picture, my friends have said "he's alright looking, but nothing great". There just has to be something about the guy that makes me want to keep looking at him and eventually touch him, kiss him, yadda yadda yadda. It doesn't matter to me what my friends think as long as I feel the attraction and I just didn't last night and am 99.9999% certain my feelings would not change if I went out with him again. If I accepted another date with him, I know I would dread it and ultimately decide not to pursue a relationship. Why put off the inevitable? If 2.5 guy had made me laugh my ass off during our date or otherwise bowled me over with his personality, a second date might have been in order, however, I would merely describe the date as a pleasant evening with a nice guy to whom I felt no attraction. Totally not worth the war I am engaged in with myself.
Anyway, now that I have sufficiently justified to myself why it is ok to "just say no", I have responded to 2.5 guy truthfully, namely, that I enjoyed meeting him but didn't feel a romantic spark. Hopefully, when I read his engagement announcement in the New York Times, I won't regret my decision, but that is a risk I am willing to take.
(By the way, does anyone else battle with themselves over $#%^! crap like this, or is it just me??) |
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Posted by Meredith on 2008-03-03 17:19:24 | Rating: | Views: 286
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Meredith, I hear you!! I have dated about 4 guys since my husband walked out. The first 3 I did because I felt I should, and when I say I dated them, I went to coffee with them - due to babysitter issues. Well all 3 wanted to see me again and all three told me they knew straight away that I was the one for them ... problem was I didn't feel it - I liked them and talked to them on the phone alot - but I kept making excuses when they tried to organise another date... eventually they stopped calling and texted me - eventually they stopped all that too.
I don't want to date for the sake of it - I agree with you. There is either a SPARK or there isn't.
Mind you when I dated a guy from my work there was definitely a spark - unfortunately as I blogged it ended when he went overseas on a planned holiday with his ex.
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-03-05 05:09:10
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Thank you for your comment! For some reason, I feel the need for reassurance that it is ok not to like someone if he liked me and there is no real reason NOT to like him. But, like you, I need the spark.
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Posted by Meredith
on 2008-03-05 09:51:25
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Everyone battles with the "spark" issue. I've dated women that I liked but I felt no "spark" for and it inevitably goes nowhere. Whether you're a woman or a guy everybody wants some sort of level of physical attraction involved. It'd be a lot easier if we could just flip a switch and be attracted to people who were nice though. :)
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Posted by hairytoad2005
on 2008-03-11 04:45:23
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"It'd be a lot easier if we could just flip a switch and be attracted to people who were nice though" - yes, it certainly would!
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Posted by Meredith
on 2008-03-11 11:05:26
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