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| fun, but thinking he's probably not.
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the one.
I had a good time on my date last night. We met at a wine bar in Hell's Kitchen. For those of you not from the New York area, we did not meet at Chef Ramsey's "make-believe for the purposes of a reality show" restaurant; Hell's Kitchen is a neighborhood on the west side of Manhattan. Anyway, the wine bar was a cute little place and when I say little, I am being literal. The place only has 5 small tables and a tiny bar area. Luckily, we got the last available table.
The conversation flowed very nicely as we found that we have a lot in common. We are both the youngest child, although I have two older sisters and he only has one. Neither of us were raised by our dad, our mother's both remarried when we were young and both of our step fathers have since passed away. I had two Jewish grandmothers who were obsessed with my eating habits and he had a Jewish step grandmother obsessed with his. We are both physically active, have taste in music which runs the gamut from heavy metal to embarrassingly sappy stuff like The Carpenters and we are both late bloomers with respect to being comfortable in our own skin. I had to go to college to "find myself" whereas he had to move to California. Anyway, we drank a few glasses of wine, shared a flatbread pizza and had some laughs. I, not surprisingly, made a mess of the tablecloth when some of the toppings fell off of the pizza and onto the table instead of into my mouth. Being quite at ease with my own sloppiness, I made a joke about it before he could.
So, all in all, I had a good time with him, BUT. (Yes, there is a "but".) I don't think I was feeling a romantic vibe. He didn't go in for a kiss or anything but I really wasn't hoping he would. I wasn't hoping he wouldn't or anything, but I wasn't feeling the shaky knees, God I hope he kisses me butterflies. I love those! Is that so wrong? To paraphrase a sentence I wrote in an email to Blue earlier, "while feelings of LOVE, of course, need to develop over time, I guess I feel like the feelings of desire and wanting to spend time together, never getting sick of looking at the guy, butterflies etc. should be there immediately. Maybe I've watched too many movies, read too many books or something, but I don't want to second guess myself or the guy in the beginning dating stages - I feel like those should be the exciting times, so it feels forced if I have to talk myself into going out with a guy because, while the excitement/desire wasn't there, he was really nice and we laughed a lot". I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I am a fun chick. I am easy to talk to and can be quite witty and charming. I can have a good time with just about anyone, so sharing some laughs and good conversation is not really a challenge for me. Only a select few, however, can leave my stomach in nervous knots and make me giggle like a school girl and I love, love, love feeling like that.
Am I focusing on all of the wrong things? Sometimes I think I am, but when I read other people's blogs about the feelings they have for the guy they are dating, I have to wonder why I should expect to feel less for a guy I am dating. For example, I can feel the butterflies NakedTruth gets around Jim just by reading her posts! And, from what I read, she felt them immediately. I just don't know. He's also nine years older than me which makes me bit uncomfortable. Not to mention that he DOES resemble my dad which, you will probably all agree, is a bit disturbing, especially since my dad not only abandoned me as a child but stole from me as an adult. How gross would it be to have sex with a guy who looks kind of like him?? EWW.
Anyway, he emailed me this morning and said he had a great time, notwithstanding the mess I made of the table. The email made me smile so I guess there is no harm in going out with the guy again but, yes, I stress out a lot about the whole lustful feelings thing. Sometimes I wonder if I really am in my mid-30s because my priorities seem a bit immature sometimes. Then again, I am supposed to be in my sexual prime so maybe I am looking to find a guy whose bones I know, without any uncertainty, I want to jump. Who knows?
I just finished a book for my bookclub called Love the One Your With. It was about a woman who, while blissfully happy and married to the perfect guy for her (practically still in the newlywed stage) runs into an ex boyfriend in the street. The ex boyfriend was the guy who broke her heart but with whom she fell totally and passionately in love. Of course, the ex boyfriend wants her back and the woman is torn between the "perfect husband" and the "one who got away". My bookclub meets tomorrow and I am willing to bet that most of the club wanted her to choose the perfect husband. I, on the other hand, was hoping that she would end up with the ex-boyfriend because of the intensity of her feelings for him. I am pretty sure I "chose" the wrong guy in the book just like I tend to choose the wrong guy in real life.
Speaking of the wrong guy, I still haven't heard from Brian. I think I am driving some people (Blue) crazy vacillating between agreeing that he is a total jerk to wishing he would contact me. But no, I will NOT initiate contact with him. If I am in someone's life, I want to know under no uncertain terms that he wants me there. If I never hear from him again, at least I have my answer that I add little, if any, value to his life and he can take me or leave me. As much as that would hurt, I know in my heart that the loss would be his.
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Posted by Meredith on 2008-06-24 18:13:21 | Rating: | Views: 232
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There can be literally miles of difference between "comfortable love" and full-on passion. The beauty is in realizing what YOU need and when you need it. I see nothing wrong in feeling new-guy out. What have you got to lose?
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Posted by BootLady
on 2008-06-24 18:41:41
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Meredith you make me smile :) I'm glad your date went well. What Miss BootLady said to me is dead on "the beauty is in realizing what you need when you need it".
I'm always in your corner kiddo. I just want to see you happy:)
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Posted by pitapie50
on 2008-06-24 20:54:43
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You are NOT driving me crazy, silly. Need I remind you that I am the Queen of the Schizophrenic Blog? You are supposed to go back-n-forth.......it's the only way to heal, and I always have time to remind you what a jackass he is.
As far as butterflies, yeah, I like 'em, too. But, like you, I've found that the butterflies that flutter at the beginning of a relationship just wind up smashed on someone's windshield by the end. Maybe we should be thinking about paying more attention to how these people ARE than how they initially make us feel. I'm pretty sure that I could easily develop butterflies over someone who was truly kind, compassionate, intelligent, and loved me for me. Not downplaying physical attraction by any means, because that is important, too. I dunno. I say go out another time or two and see what you think. And don't worry about Brian.....I won't let you forget what a douche bag he is.
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Posted by BlueMoonInMyEye
on 2008-06-24 21:31:05
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as allways a pleasure to read.... I would hate to be your perfect guy if briand ever poped back in and woke up from whatever fog he is in lol but waning someone to make a choice and doing it your self is alot different. U have a good heart and you kow what you want. there is nothing wrong with that. Maybe I need a time share in NY..... lol
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Posted by DouglasMB
on 2008-06-24 21:35:50
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And PitaPie.....where the hell have you been?
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Posted by BlueMoonInMyEye
on 2008-06-24 21:36:37
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I am going to add little bit of a different perspective. I think I have talked to you about my friend Jen, who is dating the firefighter. Well, she did not find him as hot as she did her last boyfriend but after 7 weeks of dating him, she said that she could see a future with him. He was gone for a week and she missed him and was looking forward to seeing him. So maybe although the butterflies aren't there they can develop if the person is that awesome to you and you are at least slightly attracted.
When I date again, I am going to not go for the guy that I think is completely HOTT and more for the good guy. I have now seriously dated Brian who I'm very attracted too but I can't seem to be happy with long term and married R which we were stopped at restaurants and people asked if he was the Rock and he cheated! So maybe the hot ones are just not the nice ones.
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Posted by prelude2it
on 2008-06-24 22:03:08
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Prelude, I'm with ya......if we think they are HOT, HOT, HOT, how must hotter do THEY think they are? This is not exhaustive, but in my limited experience, the really, really hot ones don't appreciate good women as much because they are always convinced they can do "better". Ugh. Give me a loveable, cute, humorously dorky guy anyday.
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Posted by BlueMoonInMyEye
on 2008-06-24 22:27:22
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Meredith -- Glad you had an enjoyable time, but sorry he wasn't "the one". I can see how a guy resembling one's father could pour water on the romantic spark. At least your getting out and having a bit of fun. The book for your book club sounds good. Think I'll check it out on Amazon. Peace.
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Posted by ColoradoDreamin
on 2008-06-24 22:36:31
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I think in life we go through stages. And in those stages are needs change, including our love needs. Seems like you are in a stage in which you need passionate love. You found a guy that in another stage may be exactly what you are looking for but he may not be for you right now. Im not discouraging anything because you guys hit it off which is great, im just saying, your needs change with time. Nice post :]
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Posted by smileforthecamera
on 2008-06-25 00:04:51
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u r funny
glad u had fun
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Posted by roe
on 2008-06-25 00:16:10
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I didn't get those butterflies immediately....I actually wanted nothing to do with Jim at first haha..wow to go back there.(I mean there was chemistry between us from the start, but I didn't want any part of it at first...I don't know if that makes sense.) It didn't take him very long at all, however, to win me over. It seriously felt like he snapped his fingers and I turned to mush.
I know exactly what you mean though...you want those sparks right away. I do too! I think I watched too many movies and read too many books also, because I want a fairy tale just like millions of other girls out there. Never settle. I'd say go out with this guy 1 more time and see how it goes...who knows, maybe he'll snap his fingers and you'll turn to mush for him ha. If not, then at least you gave him, and yourself, 1 more shot. Onto the next 1! I truly believe though that it will happen when you least expect it...I think that makes it all the more exciting too!
I am going to have to read that book. I too would root for the ex-b/f for the exact reason you were.
Sorry for the long-winded comment!(I'm up waaay too late right now)
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Posted by nakedtruth
on 2008-06-25 02:31:55
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Meri, no advice to give....just wanted to say I love the way you write, and you manage to keep readers hooked onto your words. I really liked this post a lot :D
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-06-25 02:47:40
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I've GOT to read that book, Meri.
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Posted by BitterSweetheart
on 2008-06-25 04:12:41
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Well, I'm relieved the date went well. He seems like, if he's not going to be much of a romantic prospect, maybe he could just be a good friend? :)
And no, I don't reckon your priorities are immature at all. How is wanting to get that butterfly filled, lustful feeling immature? :P
But yeah, I think you're right in thinking he's worth another shot, god knows what it could turn out like.
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Posted by Mezlie
on 2008-06-25 05:23:40
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Meridith:1)You had a date rather than watch that horrid game last nite(LOL)
2)The guy sounds like he may be a good one in a few ways, let Dr WK analyze:
You like attentive but not smothering and that email fits
He was fun
And he seems to maybe respect you as some guys need a sign before they kiss
Listen, keep seeing him as practice...LOL
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Posted by whiteknight
on 2008-06-25 06:27:33
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I'm glad to hear that you had a good time on the date. & if nothing else, you have someone to hang out with. That is always good. :)
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Posted by Mandie142
on 2008-06-25 09:45:31
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The book, for those of you who expressed interest - is by Emily Giffin. It was AWESOME. She is my favorite "chick light" author and the inspiration for my starting my own novel. (Which will never be nearly as good, I am sure.)
Thanks for all of the advice - I kind of needed to hear how you all felt about the whole "immediate butterflies" thing - as well as your advice as to whether I should go out with the guy again. THANKS.
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Posted by Meredith
on 2008-06-25 09:53:31
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I'm going to check out that book as it sounds similar to what happened in my real life!! Although he wasn't my ex-bf, I left my "really nice but no chemistry" husband to be with someone who makes my blood boil every time he smiles. :) It ended up working out for me, so I say... she should go for the butterflies.
ps- also ended up working out for the husband, he says he couldnt be happier and thanks me every time he emails me for having the guts to finally call it off.
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Posted by TheAlreadyJaded
on 2008-06-25 12:36:04
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Oh Meri,
I don't think I could get past a guy looking like my dad. That would be so creepy! Anyway maybe you can be great friends and he can give you male prospective on things.
My sister dated this guy for a few years that she now has compared every other guy to. Sounds like your Brian. The thing about that is she thinks he was the big prize that got away. I personally know what a jerk he was and from time to time she will see my side and agree. Other times he is just this guy nobody can hold a candle to.....
I don't know where I was going with all that but maybe you know what I'm saying anyway.
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Posted by anotherdaze
on 2008-06-25 17:26:24
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Wow Meredith - this is all a bit much for me to come home to. Firstly, I remember Hell's Kitchen really fondly, particularly a super Italian called Restaurante Famille Something, so it was nice to be able to visualise it. Secondly, looking like your father is a very small thing, Thirdly, that is not a big age difference at all. Lastly, if the chemistry doesn't start to boil up after a month or so, that's sad, but no two relationships are the same. The important thing from where I'm sitting is.......you talked! Good luck M.
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Posted by overthehillandfar...
on 2008-06-25 17:52:25
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hmmm now that I've finished scrolling and finally get to say something! lol
I think you should go on another date, even if just to have a bit of fun.
Don't look at the guy like you are looking for a life long partner, look at him for what need he fills right now... that being companionship, that being someone nice to share a meal / drink with.
I know I'm not the authority on this, but I've decided to change my approach with this subject..and maybe we need to be a bit more selfish than we usually are.
let fate take care of the rest.
Oh and I agree HOT guys don't always carry the "loyalty" trait!... they are the good to look at, nice to fantasize about, but can they fill your soul??
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-06-25 20:46:52
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Just for the record ladies (and a few gents), I am not into "hot" guys by any stretch. It's not about the guy's looks so much as the "feelings" I get in his presense. In fact, Camera Guy was probably better looking than Brian - I just didn't get the same lustful feelings from him - I think it is just "chemistry". So, while I agree wholeheartedly that the hot, hot, hot guy is probably not the right choice, I didn't want you guys to think I was shallow like that!!
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Posted by Meredith
on 2008-06-25 21:41:46
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suuuurrree that is what thye all say.... lol just kiddin so now you give us normal guys hope.
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Posted by DouglasMB
on 2008-06-26 09:23:52
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I'm glad that you had a nice time. I would really like to read that book. It is true that sometimes the butterflies come later in a relationship.A great post.
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Posted by Fancie
on 2008-06-26 14:48:55
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I think you said once
when you use this picture,
things are not great
hope you feel better
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