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Whenever I date someone and it doesn't work out, I try to make a positive out of a negative in that I consciously make a note of what I learned from the relationship. For instance, what I could have done better; what I did not like about the guy and hope to avoid next time around; and what was missing from the relationship that I hope to find in my next "go around".
When I was dating Brian, I liked him so much. After years of dating guys and feeling ho-hum about the possibility of a future with them, I was so happy to have met someone I was so excited about. Someone who could put me in the best of spirits with a simple telephone call/email. Someone who I couldn't wait to see again immediately after parting ways. Someone who, 10 out of 10 times, I would choose over even Christian Bale, Eric Bana and Leonardo DiCaprio (my favorite Hollywood "hunks") to share my time, my food and my bed. I didn't have to think about whether I wanted to see Brian again after our first, second, 20th date. I knew that I did and it felt so great, especially after dating so many people numerous times, not because I felt something, but because they "had potential" and "perhaps the chemistry would come in time". I also loved the fact that Brian was so smart. His friends teased him about being a nerd but I found it incredibly sexy that he listened to a book about economics on the beach, answered almost every question in Trivial Pursuit correctly regardless of the category, and pondered whether there was evidence to support Darwin's Survival of the Fittest theory. He did all of this without missing a football/baseball game and partying with his friends. Most of all, I loved the feeling of really wanting someone who was seemingly well within my reach.
Unfortunately, I never felt secure when I was dating Brian because I felt like he sent mixed signals about his feelings for me. He would say that he felt a certain way, but some of his actions would suggest otherwise. I never knew where I stood and, as a result, my confidence level would fluctuate on a dime depending on the amount of attention he was giving me, and I was consumed with the not knowing.
After dating Brian, I decided that I wanted and needed someone who never made me doubt how he felt about me; someone who smiled and whose eyes lit up whenever he saw me; and someone who made me feel special.
Then I met Camera Guy and was so happy because he certainly made his feelings for me clear. He made me feel special. He smiled whenever he saw me and, yes, his eyes lit up too. I was happy because I had none of those doubts that I always had around Brian.
After spending more and more time with Camera Guy, however, it occurred to me that while he would constantly tell me how great I was and I would revel in his comments, I could not return his feelings with a true level of sincerity. Although I did like him and felt a romantic potential, I did not feel my eyes light up whenever I saw him or find myself smiling every time I was with him. Eliciting a laugh from Camera Guy did not make my day as it had with Brian and I did not crave his company and find everything he did "sexy" like I had with Brian. They say that when you really like someone, qualities that might even turn you off in some people suddenly become "so sexy" when found in the object of your affection. The truth is that I might not have been endeared to all of Brian's qualities had I not found Brian so damn appealing in general. Similarly, with Camera Guy, some aspects of his personality irked me when the "right girl" probably would have found all of it endearing.
What I have learned from dating Camera Guy is that there are men out there who are willing and able to share their feelings, and that I am capable of meeting a guy who thinks I am amazing. I also learned, however, that I actually don't need someone who is quite so forthcoming with his emotions, at least not so soon. After only a handful of dates, I was pressured to return the feelings at the same pace and with the same intensity and it turned me off. While I never want to find myself in a situation again where I am falling in love with a guy and fear that every time I see him will be the last, I do not need to be with a guy who wears every emotion on his sleeve. I have now experienced both extremes in that regard and believe that a middle ground will work just fine for me. But I think the most important thing I have learned from dating Camera Guy is how vital it is for me to feel passionately about someone, like I did for Brian. Unless I do, I fear I will never be truly happy.
I can take the good out of all of the lessons I learned above, however, am having trouble feeling positive about that last lesson because I am so afraid that I will never meet someone for whom I feel really passionate. I am afraid that I am destined to meet one nice guy after another, yet never again feel the spark and therefore never be truly happy. Should I give up the search now and just "settle"? Is happy "enough" better than alone? I mean, there are no guarantees in life are there (except that death is inevitable at some point)? I fear that I will either waste too much time trying to make "love out of nothing at all" with the "wrong" guy or the opposite, give up too quickly on someone who could be the "right guy". How will I really know when it is right?
So, with that, I pose a question to all of you folks out there "in love" (and I mean true, requited, committed relationship, tested over time LOVE) :
People always say that you will just know when you find the right person - it will just feel right. Is that true? Did you just know?
And, if so, what the hell did it feel like??
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Posted by Meredith on 2008-05-19 16:06:26 | Rating: | Views: 210
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Meri - I think when you find your best friend (in the opposite sex) with the right chemistry then you're on your way.
I know that is a quick summary - but for me that is what it looks like for me .. in 20 words or less.
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-05-19 16:24:10
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I think you do for the most part know. I was very in love with my ex-husband and although I did not know I wanted to get married. I knew I wanted him in my life. I had no doubts and we were both very quick with our feelings. It has never been that way again but I believe it's like that when it is the right person.
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Posted by prelude2it
on 2008-05-19 16:38:26
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meri
when i met spouse he was everything i had ever wanted i a man...i was his best friend for a long time until i realized it was something more...he was the first man to actually 'make love' to me and make me feel good about myself...it was really good for a long time....and now its done....i love the man he was and detest the man he has become....the two are totally separate like they are two entirely different human beings.....does that make sense??
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Posted by lastblastkl
on 2008-05-19 17:05:49
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Wow... All I have to say is I honestly ponder a lot of the same questions myself... and I have really wondered a bunch of times about the many men I've dated since my last relationship ended. I really do want to believe there is that "one" person I am supposed to find who is my true soulmate... I have my fingers crossed for you... and myself... :) Good luck in your search...
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Posted by helen1282
on 2008-05-19 17:12:52
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When I met His Lordship, I had "been around the block" enough to know what I DIDN'T want in a man. He was none of those things, so although he wasn't exactly what I THOUGHT I wanted, I gave it a shot. It's been 25 years so far, and I can't imagine being with anyone else. He is my heart and soul, and I would have missed him if I'd been looking at the wrong list.
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Posted by BootLady
on 2008-05-19 17:51:02
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my brother told me when I was in your shoes, remember I was 34 when I got married so I was single for a long time... another story, um, my brother told me if you have to ASK the question, how do you know????? then it isnt love. Sometimes, we actually try to talk ourselves INTO love, using that old saying, LOVE IS A DECISION. For some, that is simply what it is, I THINK THE TIMING IS RIGHT, I WILL LOVE THIS PERSON, THIS PERSON LOOKS PRETTY GOOD ON PAPER, i THINK i WILL marry this person AND THATS THAT, NO LOOKING BACK. Others say they find and marry their soul mate??? Im jealous of that one, cuz thats really cool if its true, and others say they married their best friend, I usually think if that happens the guy ends up being gay, but there is always an exception to the rule! aND IF SOMEONE OUT THERE MARRIED THEIR BEST FRIEND, i APOLOGISE AND iM JEALOUS OF THAT TOO, but I have best friends, and I think its ok, if its not my husband, but then again, what do I know? then there is PASSION, the guy who takes your breath away, sounds alot like Brian...they, I do not know who THEY are, say, that passion does not last, the flame dies as time goes on, I do not know about that...I did not marry the guy that took my breath away and I am the one who broke up with him and it took me over 2 years to get over him and knowing what I know now, it was a fantastic decision, even though I had my doubts at the time. Why are all my comments longer than your posts? Sorry...I love all the lessons you are learning, it is making you even more desirable to Mr Right, where ever he is?
You know what "THEY" SAY, He ALWAYS SHOWS UP WHEN YOU ARE NOT LOOKING! NOW, Wwhat was your question? I am afraid I digressed big time this time.
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Posted by roe
on 2008-05-19 22:23:51
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Hi Meredith, I can only speak from personal experience. My first husband was just 21 when we met and I was 20. It was a ridiculous, crazy, passionate and urgent romance. I knew on honeymoon, aged 21, that I had made a mistake, but despite the many problems we had as we grew our seperate ways, we did have some good times. My second marriage was very different. There was everything when I met him, passion, admiration, respect and this big emotion you just couldn't explain. In between I met men who were admirably suitable and who 'desired' me. I wanted to love them but the chemistry was never there and I couldn't do it, no matter how much I wanted to. Everything between B and I was mutual and I guess that was the wonderful thing. I admire you so much for not settling for what's on offer. Yes, time does go on and you do wonder when it will ever happen, but, like Roe, I do believe you will meet someone when you last expect it. The post I wrote and you kindly commented upon, was about meeting B when all I knew I was doing was giving him the once over as an employer for a friend. Hang on in there and I wait, with eager anticipation, for the post that tells us 'he' has appeared.
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Posted by overthehillandfar...
on 2008-05-20 02:51:22
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Thank you all for your comments and advice!
Roe, it was longwinded, but it made perfect sense to me and helped me a lot. Thanks :)
Overthehill - Thank you for sharing the benefits of your experience. Your comments always make me feel better.
I guess I haven't met him yet but I woke up a bit more optimistic about the likelihood of finding him "someday".
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Posted by Meredith
on 2008-05-20 10:16:28
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I feel that there is a type of person out there in the world that is for us... and this is going to sound bad and I do not mean to take any of the magic out of it, but I believe it is chemicle. I do not think we are looking for someone with the same make up we have... I mean what fun is that, and I do not think we are looking for someone with the opposite make up that we have cause as fun as that can be for a time, it just don't work... but someone who can stand alone on their own and be great, but together you compliment each other in such a way that is great... for example and this is a rough crude example... Rum... and coke... spereate they are just fine, but together they are great as well. They can be mixed with other things, but the turn out will not be the same as the classic rum and coke. I believe there are a handful of people in the world that will mix with each of us perfectly, but so many of us have grown so impatient that we do end up settling, so that one person that settled, might have been one of your few. Now I am not saying this as a depressing thing but just kinda factual. I'll leave it on this note, you can force it and be un happy with small bright spots that are far and few inbetween.... you can settle and be happy with a few dark spots but you will work through it.... or you can wait and be extrodinary!!! It's all up to you. Your beautiful... your still have time, enjoy your friends, enjoy your family and let him find you. I think your ex would be forcing it... camera guy may just be settling... who knows what the ups guy might bring lol
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Posted by DouglasMB
on 2008-05-20 10:40:49
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Douglas, you are oh so deep! I agree with you that it is chemical. I agree with everything you wrote. Thanks, as always, for commenting.
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Posted by Meredith
on 2008-05-20 11:44:22
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When I met Craig, he was everything that I ever wanted. There was something between us from the very first. He looked into my eyes one night and said, God told me that someday I would marry a woman with eyes like yours and that looked at me the way you look at me.
But then we had many problems that I won't go into here. Mostly because of the hurts from our past relationships. But finally we got it worked out.
I never was sorry, except for a few months back when i lost my mind for awhile.
But we love each other very much. And are truly one person.
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Posted by Fancie
on 2008-05-20 19:51:50
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Just stopped by to catch up with you ... loved the post and the many wonderful insightful comments. The things of love remain a mystery to me so I have nothing to add to the comments here. Peace.
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Posted by ColoradoDreamin
on 2008-05-21 01:02:05
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I think I fall in your category of 'true, requited, committed relationship, tested over time LOVE', so here goes.
I agree completely with E2S because BF was my best friend too. It does feel right, somehow. Im not very sure of how to explain it. Somehow, it felt like this is where im meant to be. That he is meant to be with me. Its like how you feel when you fit the last piece into the puzzle and its complete. It feels like that. Besides, the time spent away when we "broke up" was a much needed jolt to both of us. We both realised how right the 'us' is. Everything else makes no sense. Its the only thing that makes sense. And you see it working out. Its when you cant see a future with any other guy. Atleast thats how it has been for me :)
Hope i was of some help!
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-05-21 02:05:09
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You were all of help! Thank you! For those of you currently in the "right" relationship - I wish you continued happiness. For the rest of you, I hope that we all find what we are looking for - even if we don't know exactly what that is.
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Posted by Meredith
on 2008-05-21 10:36:44
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I knew from the second we met eyes-- even though we lived across the country from each other and I was married!! (unhappily)
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Posted by TheAlreadyJaded
on 2008-06-19 16:22:13
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