Engagement gift - $75
Money spent on alcohol, food and sexual toys for bride-to-be at bachelorette party - $150
Gift to wedding (for 2) - $400
Baby shower gift - $75
Baby's first birthday present - $50
Recognition from wife/mother to her friend for all of the gifts, and acknowledgement that she will never have to buy you a gift for the rest of her life unless you, too, choose marriage and motherhood in your life plan - PRICELESS.

My friend recently bought an apartment in Hoboken and I went to see her place last night. She is single as well and over cheese and crackers, red wine and a slide show of pictures from her recent trip to Paris, we got to talking about how some* of our married friends take us for granted and seemingly do not think our lives are as "meaningful" as theirs.

All of my college roommates are married and have children. I attended all of their weddings, almost all of their bridal showers, baby showers and bachelorette parties and bring gifts for their children whenever we get together. Since they have kids, whenever we make plans, I travel to them. It is always "easier" for me to travel since I am coming alone so I have taken Metro North, Amtrak and numerous buses to various cities in upstate New York to spend time with them and talk about the good 'ole days. Between the gifts and traveling, I have spent thousands of dollars celebrating their lives. On my birthday, they might send me a birthday card or maybe they will just call me, but never both. Only one of them has seen my apartment in NYC. My mom and sister threw me a surprise 30th birthday and none of them could make it. The one occasion where it was appropriate for them to buy me a gift, they were no-shows. Two of them did, however, make it to the drinking fest I hosted at McSorleys the next weekend - perhaps they bought me a $3.00 McSorleys Light, I don't recall. Mind you, I didn't buy them all of these gifts with expectations of getting gifts in return, and I wanted to be in attendance at their weddings, but after 13 years of gift giving and absolutely no receiving, I am thoroughly annoyed. I don't think a $20 gift card to Sephora would break the bank, but it would mean the world to me and would acknowledge that I, too, like receiving gifts!

A friend of mine recently bought an apartment in New York City a few years ago and also got a dog. To her, both the apartment and the dog constituted big changes in her life. To anyone, a purchase of a home is huge and to a single person (and some married folks too), a pet is like a child. Most of her married friends have not made any effort to see her apartment and meet her dog and think nothing of it, however, she is expected to celebrate the big changes in their lives and those of their children by attending all of the confirmations, birthday parties etc. I appreciate that it is difficult to travel with children and I would not expect there to be an equal give and take. However, for every three times my friend travels to Rockland County to yet another birthday party, perhaps her friend can take the drive (or the bus/train) into the big city to visit her.

Why is it that single people are expected to celebrate the big changes in our married friend's lives but our married friends are seemly excused from celebrating the big changes in our lives because "my husband has to work that weekend" or "my kid has a play date" - get a friggin babysitter or leave your husband at home for a change! Maybe it's just because they don't consider our milestones as valid as theirs. Am I to assume that unless I choose to get married and have children, I will always be the one to commute to my friends; I will always be the one bearing the gifts; and I will always be sharing in their joy instead of visa-versa?

A member of my family (who knows who she is but, to protect the guilty, I will not mention her name) said something pretty hurtful to me on Thanksgiving and didn't understand why I took such offense. I was taking a second helping of the cranberry sauce and commented about how much I enjoy cranberry sauce and was glad that there was some left since my niece and nephew love it as well. My family member said "I can't picture you as a mother". I asked why and she said "because I love the bone on the prime rib but if my child wanted it, I wouldn't think twice to give it to him instead of taking it for myself". I responded "and you don't think I would give it to my child even if I really wanted it for myself?" She said "you just want what you want and are not happy when you can't have it". Sure, I want what I want and, yes, I do like the bone on the prime rib, the drumstick in the turkey and the butter cream flower on my piece of cake and, if any of those things are offered to me, I will gladly accept them. That does not mean that if there was someone else in my life (husband, child etc.), I would be incapable or unwilling to deny my own needs and preferences in favor of that person. For the person who professes to know me better than anyone else to suggest that I am selfish and would have difficulty putting the preferences of my child over my own was extremely hurtful and downright false. I am single and make good money. While I am still single and can spend my money however I want, I will buy expensive handbags, shoes, clothes, perfumes, dinners, drinks etc. Why the hell not? If I do not treat myself well, who will? I also, however, spend money on my friends and family and I enjoy doing it. I try to buy birthday and holiday gifts specific to each family member/friend and I love when I get it right.  As much as I love getting presents (and I do), I also love giving them and by doing so, making someone I love happy.

Single people should not be made to feel guilty for 1) buying designer bags, 2) taking two vacations to Europe in the same year and 3) spending way too much money on shampoo, conditioner and skin care simply because our married friends need to spend their money on diapers, sandwich meat for school lunches and that hot new learning toy. Single people should also not be made to feel bad about taking vacations, sleeping late on weekends or doing absolutely nothing at all simply because our married counterparts are up three times a night nursing a baby, driving their kids to play dates and attending little league games. Sometimes being single/married is just a life choice and sometimes it's just not that easy to meet the person with whom you want to share your life and pro-create. Either way, the lives of single people are no less meaningful and the big things in our lives mean just as much to us as yours do to you. If anyone married is reading this and has a single friend, take a moment to recall the many milestones in your life. I bet she was there to help you celebrate. Have you been there for her? If not, perhaps its time to make some effort because, if she's like me, it has not gone unnoticed. Go visit her. Ask about her life. Maybe even bring a gift.

* Disclaimer - not all of my married friends are implicated in this email. Some (and you know who you are) are pretty darn cool.