I mentioned my high school "best" friend in my last post and someone suggested that I post about her. Her name was Debbie (and likely still is unless she now goes by "Deborah"). Until I wrote my last post, thoughts of her scarcely crossed my mind in the last ten years.

I met Debbie in Junior High (some folks call it "Middle School"). We hit it off immediately but we did not become great friends probably until sophomore year in High School when we shared almost all of the same classes. Debbie and I had some great times together. I recall cutting mornings of class to go to IHOP for chocolate chip pancakes. I remember driving to the Jersey Shore and tanning on the beach at Long Branch. I remember shopping at the Palisades Park mall, coloring our hair, spending hours talking about the boys on whom we were currently crushing and cutting on other classmates we didn't like. (We were pretty brutal.) I spent countless afternoons at her house and visa-versa. After years of going through friends nearly as quickly as I changed my underwear (at least every day in case you wondered), I was so happy to have finally found a real best friend with whom I bonded so easily. We were really close all throughout sophomore and junior years until I introduced Debbie to another one of my close friends, Rachel (more to follow on that later).

I always admired Debbie for her individuality. She didn't seem to care if she was popular and actually turned down what looked from the outside as offers to be a member of the "in-crowd". She preferred to remain on the outskirts and befriended only those people she truly liked. She didn't seem to care whether the cute guys like her and, as a result (and probably because she was cute), they always did. Her style was what I can only describe as Bohemian Jap. She was a Jappy hippy. She loved daisies and sun flowers, yet she probably owned 20 pairs of Guess jeans and most of her flower embroidered sweaters were likely purchased at Benetton or some equally trendy store at that time. I was pretty envious of Debbie, yet at the same time, wanted the best for her. Unlike Debbie who always seemed so sure of herself and comfortable in her own skin, I had zero confidence. (In hindsight, I have no idea why I was so insecure - I was cute, thin, had good grades and, for the most part, people liked me - but I relied on the opinions of others for validation. I rarely stuck up for myself, expressed an adverse opinion or took chances, like flirting with guys I liked. I let everyone else have the time of their lives in high school, while I listened to their stories and counted down the days until graduation.)

Anyway, as I mentioned above, I admired Debbie's style and began to emulate it by wearing shirts with flowers and other "crunchy type" clothing. It never occurred to me at the time that, by doing so, I was taking away some of Debbie's individuality; the very individuality I so admired and on which Debbie likely prided herself. I can certainly understand if this upset or annoyed Debbie and it likely served to drive a wedge between us. There were, however, other issues.

When I introduced Rachel and Debbie, I remained the common bond for quite some time, however, they eventually developed their own friendship and began to shut me out. Debbie and Rachel both had boyfriends with whom they were having sex. I was still a virgin. Debbie had just months earlier had sex with her boyfriend for the first time but all of a sudden, she was oh so worldly, while I was apparently clueless about men and sex. The two couples spent New Year's Eve at Debbie's house. They thought that I would feel "awkward" so, rather than invite me and give me the option to decline the invitation, they did not extend an invitation to me. Worse yet, they CALLED me at midnight to wish me a Happy New Year. They acted like they were just being "nice", but I knew they were rubbing in my face the fact that I was not part of their party. I lied and said that my older step brother was having a party at our house and I was having a GREAT time. The truth was that me and Jim, my step brother, were just having a few drinks with Dick Clark and his Rockin Eve. Debbie and Rachel were also in the same Physics class and befriended two guys (Sammy and Danny) who became their lab partners. Six Flags Great Adventure was hosting "Physics Day". High school physic classes throughout the tri-state area (New York, New Jersey and Connecticut) were invited to spend the day at the amusement park. Part of the day involved completing a list of questions to which answers could be found by going on the rides. At the end of the day, we were required to turn in our answers to our teacher. Since Debbie, Rachel, Sammy and Danny were lab partners, OF COURSE, they would walk around the park together and work together to answer the various questions. Since I was not in the same class, Rachel and Debbie decided that I would feel left out in their company and so they did not ask me to spend the afternoon with them. Even though I was invited to hang out with my own lab partner, Erica (who happened to be one of the most popular girls in the grade) and her crowd, I was really upset. I pretended to bask in my popularity, but all the while I wanted to crawl under a rock and die; I felt so betrayed by my "best" friends. It got worse. Rachel, while extremely attractive, was overweight. She put herself on this crazy diet of eating only an apple for lunch and a regular dinner every day and managed to drop significant pounds. Debbie, who was always thin, became very competitive and obsessed with her weight as well. The two of them started complaining about how fat they were all day long. I was never fat, in fact, I had a perfect figure in high school, but after spending so much time around two skinny girls who insisted they were fat cows, I, too, became obsessed with my weight. So much so, that I lost about 15 pounds, stopped menstruating for a year and had my family in a panic. I would starve myself all day long until I got home from school. Then I would cut an apple into about 200 pieces which I would eat very slowly so that it would last me until dinner. At dinner, I would never take more than one helping and then I would jog around the block a couple of times to burn the calories. I was miserable in every way and my food intake was the only thing I could control. But I digress, as this post is not about my eating disorder from which I no longer suffer.

I was told time and time again by other friends that Debbie and Rachel were just not nice people; that I was too good for them; and that I should just tell them to fuck themselves. I recalled such great times with Debbie, however, that I assumed she was just going through a phase and would come around and realize what a good friend I was. I should have seen it coming. Ever since we met in Middle School, Debbie always had one best friend to whom she was attached at the hip. After several months, they would get in a big, dramatic fight and Debbie would move on and never look back. Since I thought Debbie was the coolest, I assumed the fights were never her fault. As a result, I never feared that she would eventually turn on me. I don't know if it was because her and Rachel became so close and "three's a crowd", or if it was because I started dressing like her, or perhaps simply because I had no backbone whatsoever, but Debbie started giving me the cold shoulder. Not only did she not initiate contact with me, but she looked right through me when I tried to engage her in conversation. Debbie was very much aware of my self esteem issues and would often play with my head. She would purposely hurt my feelings in a subtle way that could be explained away as a misunderstanding. For example, Debbie and Rachael came with me to get my hair cut. My hair was all one length and I had decided to cut bangs. For whatever reason, I was nervous about the change and needed the "support". After months of encouraging me to make the change, Debbie turned to me on the drive to the salon and said "your hair actually looks really good today. You sure you want to cut bangs"? (Although it might be difficult to pick up from this post, Debbie was clearly trying to put doubts in my head as to whether I was doing the right thing. I knew it then and I know it now.)

The "Meri" of today would have flipped Debbie the bird and said "see ya" long before such behavior became routine, however, the Meri of the late 1980s was a bit spineless and, as embarrassing as it is to admit, desperate for approval. I spent hours crying about it; days wondering why she stopped being my friend; and nights hopeful that she would actually speak to me the next day in homeroom. Finally, (and it was a long time coming) it dawned on me that Debbie was just not a nice person. It FINALLY hit me that 1) I no longer NEEDED her friendship and 2) I no longer WANTED it. I remember how powerful I felt passing Debbie in the hallway and walking right by her without a glance. I remember purposely asking everyone in our Jewelry-making class to sign my yearbook except Debbie. I was very much aware that she noticed and it felt fucking awesome! Once I discovered my power, I never gave it back.

I have not seen Debbie since graduation and, while my mom is still friendly with her parents, I will likely never cross her path for the rest of my life. I no longer hate Debbie, as I like to assume her behavior was driven by immaturity. I also assume she had her own insecurities, because secure people do not usually take pleasure in kicking around weaker beings. Finally, I made such wonderful friends in and after college who taught me the true meaning of friendship and made my friendship with Debbie a joke in comparison.

That's the end of my story about Debbie and, thankfully, it had a happy ending as I never allowed a so-called friend to treat me like that again. Although Debbie was the last, there were others before her. I swear, Judy Blume could've written books about me!