After today, I will be taking a brief vacation from "thoughts" - not because I need time and space to work through my various issues, but because I am taking a vacation - period! Off to Costa Rica for a week with my best girl friend. Between playing exhibitionist with respect to my own thoughts and voyeur with respect to thoughts of others, the only time I log off of this site lately is when I am sleeping. Since I am paid to be a trademark manager and not a blogger/reader, this is not such a good thing, so maybe the break will also weaken my addiction. While I am not bringing my laptop or Blackberry on my trip, I do plan to bring a notebook so that I can blog about my adventures and post them upon my return. I will spend my days/nights white water rafting, repelling through the rain forest, lounging on the beach, drinking cocktails, eating some native food, relaxing in hot springs and participating in various other activities and look forward to sharing some of my stories with you, assuming there are any worth telling. I guess I can make some up if I have to..

This has been a tough week for me and a vacation could not have come at a better time. I made the mistake of "piggy backing" evenings out with a guy I am currently dating and a guy I used to date. I really like the new guy but I am not quite emotionally vested yet and, while I should have moved on a long time ago from the old guy, for reasons I have tried to explain, I am not there yet. (If he knew how I really felt, he would probably fall off his chair and bruise his oversized noggin.) Seeing him this week strengthened the lingering feelings at least temporarily and made me question my attempt to be friends. I am going to stick to my first instincts and not cease the friendship, partly because I shut him out once before only to ask him back in and don't think it's fair to play another game of hide and seek, but mostly because I care about him. We get together so rarely that he does not have a daily impact on my life. Anyway, my heart can't help but play one guy against the other even though I don't want to. I also feel this pressure to quickly generate feelings for the new guy that rival my feelings for the old guy, but I have no control over that. For now, I just don't want to think about either of them and am hoping that Costa Rica will provide me with the distraction I need to clear my head and give my heart a much needed rest.

On top of that, my mother somehow found my blog on Thoughts. I don't know how because I have searched my name on virtually every search engine out there and this blog does not appear in the search results. (I removed my last name from my account months ago.) I purposely did not tell her about the new guy I was dating because my mother thinks my life should revolve around getting married and having a child. When she thinks I am making progress towards achieving her goal, she drives me crazy. She asks me a million questions, wants constant updates on the status of the relationship and begins planning my wedding. When things don't work out, I feel awful and she unintentionally makes me feel worse because I worry that I am disappointing her. Anyway, now she knows about CG and, once again, I feel this pressure to make it work for her. She also doesn't know that I am contact with B so I have now changed the settings for my most recent blogs to only allow access to friends. (She said she can no longer find the site and won't be able to read any more of my blogs. I asked her to respect my privacy and not go out of her way to find them but I am not sure she will listen. I know it's because she loves me and is interested in my life but the reason I take such comfort in this site is because it's all about me. I let my friends and sister read the more censored blogs I post on Myspace for mainly entertainment value, but have not shared this one with them because it is here that I share my deeper feelings. I sometimes wish I had given more thought to privacy issues and posted with a cool nickname.) Anyway, my mother invaded my privacy and then had the nerve to turn it around on me. She accused me of making her look bad by posting the "Single Girl and her Overbearing Jewish Mother" blog. The post was an accurate depiction of her so, if she thinks it portrays her poorly, she's to blame, not I. I actually thought that blog was funny and I posted it not to trash my mother but to poke fun at our relationship. She knows she irks me with her constant prying into my love life and should not be surprised that I express my annoyance to others. Anyway, she said she wished I had blogged about the wonderful values/morals she instilled in me. For those of you who have gotten to know me on here, I hope my values/morals speak for themselves and, since you all know that my dad is a creep, who else, besides yours truly, should get most of the credit for my development into a decent human being? Not to mention that the post is about me and I am not sure why she made it all about her. Anyway, my blogs are about my thoughts and I will not have my mother or anyone else telling me what to write/not write!

I feel like this sanctuary I have found has been taken from me. Furthermore, I am now paranoid as to who else might be reading this blog. I feel naked and exposed, almost as if I invited the world to accompany me to an appointment with the gynecologist. I feel a lack of control in virtually every aspect of my life right now. It should be a really happy time: I am going on an exciting vacation to a warm locale where I will not be bothered by calls/emails from clients. When my alarm goes off this week, it will be to make sure that I don't miss an adventure in the rain forest, not a morning workout at the gym before a grueling day of work. I will get a break from the constant noise that is NYC and I will hopefully get a really nice tan. I also have a really nice guy in my life waiting for me when I get home. So why is it that I can't shake off the stress of knowing that my mom has now immersed herself into parts of my life she was not invited? Why can't I stop doubting whether my continued friendship means anything to B when just a few days ago I was convinced that while he might not care for me to the extent I care for him, he does indeed care. Why I am so worried that I will somehow sabotage what I have going with CG and why do I feel like I need to decide our fate in the next five minutes? Finally, why does posting a blog, something I absolutely love to do, suddenly frighten me? Up until now, blogging has made me really happy. I love to write for writings sake and while I started out in the shallow end of the pool (keeping my posts light and breezy), the warm, supportive and often very wise friends I have made here have helped me to graduate to the deep end. Expressing more personal thoughts has been extremely cathartic and I don't want to stop, but my love of blogging has now been overshadowed by paranoia as to who else might read them how he/she might respond. I just wish I didn't suddenly feel like a non-swimmer thrown into rough waters without a life jacket. I am hoping that by the time I get back from Costa Rica, my inner chaos will have cooled and my fear of exposure subsided - just in time for me to get back in touch with all of you.

I wish you all a great week, both here on Thoughts and in the "real world". Happy thoughts to all. I'll miss you!

Finally, Blue - if you aren't gone yet - I am more upset than you know that you are leaving us.  Thank you for your email address - I plan to use it.  You are an incredibly special person and I am glad to have met you here.