I have mentioned Alan in several of my blogs. Alan is my boss, but first and foremost, he is one of my best friends, the best man I know and currently the most important man in my life. I started working for him practically right out of college, so he watched me "blossom" from a teeny bopper who worked each day looking towards one goal (Friday Happy Hour), to an ambitious and highly competitive worker who managed to get promoted twice in three years, to the insanely addicted to blogging writer I am today. He has also supported me through the death of a grandmother, a cancer scare, my father's betrayal and numerous other less than stellar times in my life. He was there with me the day the world irreversibly changed (9/11/2001), right behind me as we climbed down 19 flights of stairs the day the power went out through the Northeast (8/14/2003) and he was there when I finally garnered the strength to end ties with Brian. He said "Merrybeth (his nickname for me), I've got your back". And he did. He listened as I analyzed outloud what happened over and over and over again, and he insisted that I did not do anything wrong; that I WAS good enough; and that it WOULDN'T have ended differently even if I did/did not do/say this/that". I can say without reservation that I love that man and trust him with my life.

Because we've worked together so long and know each other so well, Alan and I have a very "non-traditional" boss/employee relationship. Although I have the utmost respect for Alan as an attorney and my superior in work-related matters, we also talk openly about sex and marriage. As a married man of 27 years, his advice on marriage: "Don't do it." "If you can't stand your mate's parents, DEFINITELY don't do it." He knows how to push my buttons and will ask such ridiculous questions as "did you blow him?" after every single one of my dates. When I hang out with my girlfriends, he asks if we made out. He's totally joking and only does it because he knows that, after all of these years, I still blush and insist that "NO! I did not blow him" and "NO. I am NOT lesbian!" (I sort of have a complex about the lesbian issue after bringing along my girlfriends to so many events due to lack of a significant male counterpart.) Alan and I have the kind of rapport that would perhaps offend some people, but really, he is one of my best friends and isn't friendship about being able to talk about anything?

Despite all of the above, I could not bring myself to admit resuming ties with Brian until just yesterday afternoon. I hate keeping secrets from Alan but I feared he would disapprove and his opinion means too much for me to risk it. Anyway, he came into my office for an afternoon "break" and asked me how things were going with Camera Guy. I told him that I just wasn't feel it; that he started to annoy me; that his intensity stressed me out and, finally, that I still have feelings for Brian. At first, he threatened to beat those feelings out of me with my stapler since it has been six months since I ended things and it was time to banish my feelings permanently. It was then that I confessed to having a friendship with the guy. I told Alan that I had really missed him and had believed that a friendship was possible. It was Camera Guy's intuition that really made me face the truth. I knew all along that the feelings were there, I just thought they would go away by themselves with the love of a good man.

I told Alan about my tentative plan to come clean with Brian about my feelings once and for all and Alan stressed that it was equally important that I also find out how Brian really feels about me. I ended things, not Brian. When asked how he felt about me, Brian always responded that he liked me a lot. Except for some doubts about our compatibility as a couple due to communication problems, Brian always insisted that he loved my company, thought I was beautiful and that he was really attracted to me. Despite the above, I really find it hard to believe that Brian shares my feelings because he has had many opportunities to step up to the plate and yet has never made it much past the bench. I have tried to make it really easy for him but haven't gotten much in return. That speaks volumes. Despite my inner gut feelings that I am alone in this romantic comedy of errors, if I hold even the slightest bit of hope that he might feel the same way, I fear that I will never stop wanting him. Alan went further to say that, until I find out under no uncertain terms if there will ever be a future with us, I will never give anyone else a fair chance because I wouldn't see the perfect guy for me even if "he was lying next to me after giving me the best orgasm of my life". He said that no other guy will ever be more than No. 2 to Brian until I have real closure. He said that I will compare my feelings with every new guy to the feelings I still have for Brian and the feelings for the new guy will undoubtedly be less intense than my feelings for Brian. He thought that might be why I couldn't get into Camera Guy. He did not chastise me for resuming my friendship with Brian, although he did express doubt about my instincts that "Brian was meant to be part of my life". He thought that was bullshit and that I just wasn't finished with the guy. He told me that if I ever want to be happy, I absolutely need to tell him how I feel and find out, once and for all, if there is anything between us beyond friendship.

One thing about Alan - he's always right. Ok, maybe he is wrong once a year and on that day, I get to dance around his office and gloat. But the man is almost always right. It annoys me to no end, but is also one of the things I love most about him. And, knowing that 99 out of 100 times, his answer is correct makes me that much more convinced that I really need to do this.  Alan said I need to do this if I ever want to be happy.  And, since I DO want to be happy, I will force myself to follow his advice.  As I am very much aware, Alan knows best.