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| Aidan vs. Mr. Big (Camera Guy vs. Brian)
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Last night was everything I knew it would be and, of course, nothing that I dreamed it would be. I was with Brian; I knew better than to think my dreams would come true, although, as mentioned previously, I hoped they would. I am not disappointed in the outcome of the night because what happened was exactly what I wrote in my last post would happen: We had a great time, he paid for me, he walked me home, we hugged outside of my building and he left. Insert, "we picked up a slice of pizza on the way back to my apartment, sat on a bench outside my building and ate it" between "he walked me home" and "we hugged" and that's the evening in a nutshell. Oh yeah, the Yankees won.
Brian and I, at least as far as he's concerned, are just friends now and he seems completely fine with it. The first time I tried to break things off with Brian, he talked me out of it, pretty easily I confess. (He did, however, warn me constantly that he was not sure we were compatible due to "communication problems". All the while, however, he would continue to pursue me in his lackluster "Brian" way and I just assumed that if I worked on my communicating skills, it would be enough for both of us.) When I finally ended things, it was not a discussion. It was me saying "goodbye" and he did not fight me. Last night was not the first time we've hung out as friends and he's never mentioned the possibility of resuming things. I did not think the status of our relationship would change last night. My funk prior to seeing him wasn't about us just being friends; it was about my fear that I would never stop secretly wanting us to be more than friends.
Brian treated me last night exactly the way he's always treated me, except that while we were dating, he would rub my back while we watched the game or brush his legs against mine. Last night, there was no touching except when he leaned over and playfully tapped my nose. There are always good and bad things about spending time with Brian. The bad: Brian isn't much of a talker. Sometimes I feel responsible for initiating the conversation and, at moments, communicating with him is far from effortless. Since he is not the easiest to engage, I sometimes feel myself trying too hard to make him smile and if I am less than successful, I feel awkward and boring. Brian, on the other hand, is completely at ease in silence and likely shares none of my feelings of awkwardness. Brian is also really smart and I sometimes say the dumbest shit to him. I basically turn into a giddy school girl in front of him, often stumbling my words or literally tripping over my own two feet. I've often wondered if he has any clue how smart I really am. Finally, Brian is the IT Manager for a law firm and is attached to his Blackberry. I often need to take second fiddle to his Blackberry and his cell phone. Since we were there to watch a baseball game, I had to work "Meri" time into the equation, mostly during commercials. The good: I love baseball, yet I looked forward to each and every commercial because I love talking to Brian more. I barely cared that, with bases loaded, Arod struck out to get a third out. Around Brian, I can barely taste my food and rarely eat more than half of my meal. It's not because I am trying to look "girly", but because sharing a meal with Brian is secondary to sharing time with him. I love the way I am intensely interested in everything he has to say. I can almost feel my pupils dilating when I am around him. And I love the way I feel when he teases/flirts with me. He makes me giggle. Giggling, for me, is not the same as laughing. For example, Larry David could make me laugh, but he could not make me giggle.
I lived with four other girls in college and, if more than two of us were blow drying our hair at the same time, we'd blow a fuse and all of the electricity would turn off. We would need to go to the fuse box, turn back on the switch that had been turned off, and all of the lights, blow dryers etc. would turn back on. Being with Brian feels like someone flipped the switch on my internal fuse box. When I am with him, I am at full alert, both physically and emotionally. I feel so alive around him because all of my senses are at full functionality. It's not always a good thing because when I feel bad around him, I feel it intensely. Part of the reason I find it so hard to give up on Brian is because I relish the good feelings he brings out in me and I fear that no one else will ever make me feel the way he does. Last night, this fear caused me to cry myself to sleep and I have been holding back tears all day.
My new Thoughts friend, Douglas, made a good point yesterday, namely, that I should not expect to have the same feelings for two different people. Perhaps, however, "different" can be just as good in its own right. Although Douglas also said that it is really not fair to compare Brian with Camera Guy, since they are the two men currently in my life, I can't help but compare. The good: When I am with Camera Guy, I never feel self conscious. I never feel the need to impress him because I feel comfortable in the knowledge that Camera Guy is already impressed with me. He makes me feel wonderful about myself and completely accepted in my true form. He never makes me feel awkward or boring and conversation with him is usually effortless. The bad: While I like Camera Guy and enjoy his company, I don't look forward to seeing him, talking to him on the phone, etc. with the same level of enthusiasm I had (have) with Brian even though, once I am with him, I am happy to be there. While I enjoy kissing him, touching him etc., I don't feel this urgency to rip his clothes off. He, on the other hand, can't keep his hands off of me which is more than I can say for Brian. At one point last night, Brian went outside to take a phone call and I sent a text message to Camera Guy. I didn't do it because I wished I was with Camera Guy. I did it because I was trying to remind myself that, so far, Camera Guy has never made me feel neglected and I did not want to take that for granted. Camera Guy immediately text back that he missed me and I felt incredibly guilty because, at the moment, I did not miss him.
While my feelings for Brian are clearly different than my feelings for Camera Guy, I am not sure they are "better". In any event, it's not like I have a choice to make, namely, "Brian or Camera Guy". Brian is not currently an option. What I need to figure out is how to give Camera Guy an honest chance in view of my feelings for Brian which, by the way, will not go away simply by removing him from my life. I tried that before and, while it can be argued that I did not give it enough time, it did not work.
Finally, Camera Guy wants to meet for a quick drink tonight. I will, of course, accept the invitation but any advice would be appreciated. Post-haste please!
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Posted by Meredith on 2008-04-16 15:51:16 | Rating: | Views: 144
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I always thought Carrie should end up with Big because I felt like, as perfect as Aidan was, he never loved her for all her craziness - Big, despite being a late bloomer, accepted her for exactly who she was, party girl, smoker, fashion diva, etc. Anyway, Brian is no Big and Camera Guy is no Aidan but I liked Roe's analogy after my last post. Brian doesn't make me feel stupid and has commented on my intelligence and depth on several occassions. I just act so dumb in front of him sometimes that I feel stupid. It just doesn't matter. I can't have Brian. At least not the Brian I want. Not even sure he would want to go back to the way it was, even if I was self destructive enough to want to. I just wish I could combine Camera Guy with Brian to make my ideal man.
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Posted by Meredith
on 2008-04-16 17:46:13
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Your Brian is my Prince Everything. I live in constant fear that no one will make me feel that way, no matter how wonderful or interesting they are. Will they hold my attention? On the other hand, I haven't met anyone as captivating or respectable as Camera Guy. It seems, after Prince Everything married, I started dating below my social bar. People are always confused by the man on my arm, so maybe that's my problem. I just don't trust anyone else with my happiness...so I attach myself to people I know I'll never trust. I'm rambling. Your blogs are my therapy...
Have fun with your Camera Guy.
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Posted by BitterSweetheart
on 2008-04-16 18:00:26
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You know what is right for you and you are sticking to it. In real life would Mr. Big be able to give Carrie what she needs or would he be to busy with his blackberry to pay her his full attention? =P
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Posted by prelude2it
on 2008-04-16 23:10:18
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Okay, I maybe wrong but I think the thing with Brian is that the HIGHs are really highs, but they are far & few between.... and although the low's aren't that bad, they are longer lasting - which Makes the HIGH so exciting and helps you forget about the lows.
Now Camera Guy - how do you know he doesn't have a hidden talent in the bedroom??? How do you know that that is where his secret lies.... maybe he will turn your world upside down and You'll start longing for his touch???
Maybe you do need to just "jump in" and let fate play it's hand!???
just a thought.
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-04-17 08:21:05
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Easy, you just might be right and I think I will do as you suggest. I am off to Costa Rica for a week but it will give me something to look forward to upon my return.
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Posted by Meredith
on 2008-04-17 10:32:54
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Boo to both of them. You are way too gorgeous and nice and have so much to offer. Find a third party that will treat you like a queen unconditionally.
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Posted by ladiegodiva
on 2008-04-17 15:30:39
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I am kinda new to the situation... so I know you have a history with brian but I do not know how long that history is. Think of it this way, I hope you are kinda like me or this may make no sence at all.... ok when I go to historic places and do the tours like Tryon Palace where I live. I am in awe, I sit on the benches and I wonder who was here before me, I wonder how many soldiers sat right here and confesed undieing love before going off to war. So much about those place leave me in awe because of the history.... are you with me so far. That is you and brian, you have history, you have memories, you have a passed that makes you want the goods things. But when you away and you loose yourself, you forget about the guy that did not come back from the war... or the fire that ravaged the kitchen and killed cooks and slaves. Because you are lost on the romance of your deepest desires.
Now camera guy, he for all general reasons is a new shiny state of the art building... you walk in and look around and think hey this place is cool... you leave and ehh it does not stick like that palace does.. and it is because of history. the nes place had no magic, why? because of history. that is my take. Maybe with a little more history Camera guy with leave you longing and in awe off all that you are. You have a great foundation, with him.
One last note though, when it comes to history... when you think about brian be carefull and remember that history tends to repeat its self.
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Posted by DouglasMB
on 2008-04-18 08:27:33
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Thanks, Douglas - you are so wise! Thank you for putting so much thought into your comments - they are really helpful to me.
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Posted by Meredith
on 2008-04-18 11:04:05
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Hey Mer, I agree with Douglas about being careful with Brian. Because the fact is, you've been there and you've seen how it worked out. Btw, the combination of cameraguy and brian...brilliant idea :) I've been thinking on the same lines for a while now...wish those wishes could come true ;) But since they dont, we accept them with their flaws, and love them inspite of those flaws because they do that too :) Good luck!!
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-04-21 01:48:43
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