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| A Morning like Another |
I walked over cool stones, up the walkway to a stranger's home. The thought of the dew which clung to the blades of grass across the lawn mirrored my parched throat and thirsting tongue. I licked my lips.
The noise from a passing train shook the ground and rattled my resolve. Apologies were never easy. The deafening groans from the train's axils drowned my thoughts under a sea of faltering security. Too much time had gone by, but I had to try.
The three steps which led to his quaint home were like mountains, mountains I would defeat in pursuit of happiness, of a pure conscience. The house itself was a fortress all its own, with a mote of uncertainty that had kept me at bay for far too long. My heels were killing me. Now I was just making excuses.
My fingers fondled his old house key.
Why hadn't he ever taken it back? I wondered. Was it in hopes I'd some day come to confess I was wrong? Had he always thought I could be so selfless? How charming. How futile hopes can be. How delicious crow was cold.
Even so, why had I come? The answer had eluded me since the start of my pilgrimage. What did I hope to say? I'm sorry? The two words that held as much meaning as fantasies and fairy tales? What were those two words but mere letters strung together to lure people into a repeatable movie of mistakes and lost virtue? Was I that shallow or did I mean it? I would try to put as much feeling into those pathetic words as I could muster, even if I still hadn't figured out why.
The sex was good. Why wander? Why not? A friend in need was a friend indeed but I knew better. Whatever was on the platter was up for the taking and I took. I stole my fair share of other shares and I didn't bat an eye. It was mine and they were mine and I didn't see why it shouldn't be so. People were hurt every day and to see that time does in fact heal all wounds only amplified my urge to be sated. My desires needed filling, just as they do now.
The clouds above rolled in, coal black and heavy with dread. Swollen were they with the fruits of the sun. I wondered how many tears had been soaked up by the dark sponge above. The thought of a stranger's sorrow raining down left me cold. I shuffled quickly under the awning. I did not want their burden. My cross was hefty enough.
The silver key emerged from my pocket and I stared, wondering why it decided to show. Did I truly want this? I still hadn't prepared a thing. Would it be just for the sex? Just to see his face?
Just for a moment, I told myself. Not much could console a mind like mine and so I lied.
My hand forced the silver toward the door, a barricade designed to protect the broken heart. I heard the mechanisms click inside the lock and the color in my fingers ran to my feet. Feeling wasn't a habit of mine but I practiced it in that moment. I opened the door and forced reluctance inside.
It was dark , though the dawning sun rose from the horizon. The living room opened, spacious and inviting. He was always good with decorating, perfecting, affecting me. My fingers absentmindedly traveled to my chest where his old locket rest. I'd never taken it off. Odd, I didn't notice until now.
I traveled through the house, passing the lavish dining room. Running my fingers over the cool top of the island, I made my way past the kitchen. Down the hallway, my feet trampled the soft, delicate fibers of the beige carpet. On the walls, I saw pictures of the past and I was taken back. My feet stopped and turned to the wall. The pictures mesmerized. His face, so jovial, so fresh and new. I remembered those days but hadn't seen that face in months. My own fell. It'd been too long.
We fought often, in the dying times. The time when our relationship struggled and gasped for healing, I laughed. I stabbed it with knives sharpened with spite. I sliced it apart and turned its inside out. I didn't care. I was foolish, naive. I was me.
I heard noises from behind the wall of photos. The noises of sweetness, of him. His voice, it cooed as if he knew of my arrival. I wondered what sort of majestical creature he must be to know of such things. My attention was pulled and my feet placed me at his closed door.
I thought it a bit rude to simply intrude. I wondered when I had learned such manners? I raised my hand and rapped my knuckles against the wooden door. Knowing he was up, I called his name and waited. Butterflies flew into my stomach, batting their fairy dust powder.
"Who's there?" his voice was concerned, had he not known it was me afterall?
"It's me."
Shuffling and more mumbles. My ears failed to pick up anything but the irritated tone. The butterflies melted into a toxic acid. The door opened and a crack of light shined through, leaving me tainted when it burnt my eyes. The radiance blinding, sent me away but my feet stood bound by his face as his eyes fixed on mine.
"What is it?" he asked, his words curt and firm.
My eyes trailed to his chest. Only a fraction of him could be seen but what was in view was so delectable, so delicious, I couldn't help but stare. He was the best thing I ever had under my tongue. My tongue no longer thirsted but a moan escaped from my core that sent through me the shivers of desire.
"I came to talk." I gulped as I dragged my lewd eyes to his face.
His strong jaw seemed to sag at my words. My heart fell to my stomach, in the butterfly acid. His eyes searched mine but he didn't find what he was looking for. The displeasure was still evident and fear had set in me.
I had been a fool. An idiotic mishap to believe this would fix anything. His frown created mine and I felt my heart dissolve. I wanted to cry but tears never came. I had always bottled my emotions and sold them to thrift stores, they were petty and worthless anyway. It was one of the traits that he would always try to change but it was one that kept me alive.
"Who is it?" a soft voice called from the bed.
My stare shifted behind him to what I couldn't see. Something flashed in his eyes. A secret?
"It's an old friend." he responded coolly, grabbing a shirt from the back of the door, "I'll be right back, babe."
"Babe?" the word replayed itself over and over in my head. A breath caught in my throat as my eyes tended to bulge. He quietly closed the door behind him, shutting her out from our world. My world in him.
"What are you doing here?" he looked down the hall, avoiding my dumbfounded stare.
"I just wanted to see how you were doing." I lied, letting my cool side take over while the true me bursted into tears.
"I'm just fine. And you?" he asked, still looking off into a distance that wasn't far at all.
"I'm...I'm really good." I was disappointed in the fake sincerity of my tone.
His eyes finally turned to meet mine once again. My heart lifted from the acid, still melting but a glutton for punishment. His thumbs were in his pockets and his expression was soft. Why? Why did he not lash at me? Was he truly over me? Had I burnt a bridge I'd yet to get over? My wounded heart bled as tears poured outside.
"You traveled five hours just to ask me how I was?" He asked skeptically.
I looked at him. There was no room for lies or pride. There wasn't even enough room for me. He'd started over and I was a memory. Why was I here? Why had I come? I had the best intentions. I'd changed so much. I just wanted to see him, show him, tell him how much I loved him.
"Are you happy?" I wondered aloud, knowing the pain in my eyes was too evident to bother hiding the heartache in my voice.
He looked toward the bedroom where she lay and then turned away, as if saying it toward her direction would warrant trouble, "Being happy is relative."
I lowered my eyes as the words spilled from my thoughts, "You used to be relatively happy with me."
His finger reached under my chin and pulled my stare to his, his alluring smile graced full, soft lips, "Ah, but that was never the problem. It was you who was not happy with me."
My inner child exploded from inside and rain fell from my face. Regret stained my cheeks and now the pain marred both our eyes. I stood there dejectedly, like a rejected step child. One strong hand snaked up my back and cradled my head while the other wrapped around my waist and pulled me into him. My cheek found the perfect nook between his shoulder and neck where it would always go when times were bad.
"I came...I came to say I was sorry!" the words exploded with raw emotion.
My sobs shook me as his hands rubbed my poisonous flesh. I would never understand how he could touch me after what I'd done. I felt like a plague that destroyed his perfect world and I would never be able to apologize enough to sedate the remorse I felt. When he found me laying another man, when we danced together at the prom so many years ago, when I met his Mom for the first time, when he went with my father and brothers on their first fishing trip, all the memories fell over me like a tidal wave. The tears wouldn't stop, the memories were boundless.
"I'll always love you." the slightest waver in his voice exposed his true feelings.
"I know."
"But we can't do this." the words uttered through gritted teeth plunged through me like poison-tipped spears.
I knew. But I didn't want to know.
He pulled away from me and I felt the coldness reach for me again. It seemed the sun would only favor me in his warmth. I had forgotten. Being forsaken, my profession, left me to shiver as his strong arms released my inner child. I stood, grabbing and twirling a spiral of red hair as I fought the breakdown.
"I'm getting married." he said, again casting away his eyes.
"I wish you years of happiness." I bit my lip, knowing one last lie wouldn't kill me.
Our souls touched and our hearts bled out the sorrow. His breathing quickened but he wouldn't let himself cry. Men didn't shed tears. He'd hardened since I'd been gone. I stroked his arm to comfort the feelings he wouldn't show. He shook his head, as if he wished all this had happened sooner. As if he wished it hadn't been too late. As if I hadn't been so cruel.
Time slipped by and the sun was coming in. Seconds leaked through the hours and my mind began to melt. I had to get ahold of my self. I loved control too much to lose it with such emotions. I flung my debilitated heart aside and cleared my throat.
"I guess I better be-"
My voice fell silent when his lips pressed to mine. His warmth returned and a whimper escaped me. His fingers threaded through my hair and my heart raced under his locket. His tongue licked across my lips and I gave him entry, seeking his tongue with my own. His taste, his smell, his touch enveloped me in a blissful moment so wrong, I felt guilty in feeling it so right. His hands groped my flesh and I felt whole. His touch claimed me as I dreamed of so many cold nights alone.
His eyes never left mine. I knew he wondered where I had been and who with. I needed to tell him I was alone. I had left all the toys behind and that was the reason I came in pursuit of him. I didn't want to play anymore. I wanted to feel this wholeness. I wanted to feel complete and he was the only person who ever-
"Jake...!" a soft voice shrilled from the opened door.
The pure, hard light busted from the threshold and glared upon we demons who carressed by the dawn's dewy stare. The love that was eternally engraved in our souls was expressed in a dire time as the mother-to-be stood in shock and betrayal as her love and her love's love watched her world crumble.
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Posted by Mendacious on 2009-09-08 12:29:53 | Rating: | Views: 62
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