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| The beginning |
I shouldn’t be blogging. We all know how that ended last time. Okay. So you don’t. But let me tell you, it was bad. Seriously detrimental to my fragile state of mental health, not to mention the blogging community of blogspot.
School (for me, at least)is nearly out for the year. Summer is approaching and I have hardly anyone to spend it with. I’ll probably work. I work at this horse camp... I teach little kiddies to ride horses. And I do a fair bit of riding myself. I’m always paranoid that I’m not welcome there. But if I didn’t have that place, I’d have nothing. So... I’ve just got to work harder to make sure they want me back every single time.
It’s sort of funny. I used to be this little girl whose horse had died, and I had lost my biological family, and I would spend hours and hours on youtube watching videos of girls and their horses, wishing, praying even, that I could be them. I just wanted my horse. And now, I am that girl on youtube, with a handsome black horse, jumping hurdles, galloping away, looking like I love every second of life.
But inside, nothing has changed. I’m still sad, alone, I’m nothing and I’m no one. There’s not a single person in the world who I matter most to. I’ve got no one like that. So what’s left? Why am I here? I know that my school “friends” don’t actually care what happens to me. My best friend doesn’t act like a best friend, no matter how much I give and give and give, she never gives back. She says she’d do anything for me, die for me, die if I died. But I asked her to do me a small favour, it was something that I’d already done for her, and she couldn’t even do that. She made her usual excuse, “oh, I’m so sick”.
I totally exploded. She uses that excuse so much... I know most of the time, it’s not true. But I never say that. I always be the caring, concerned best friend. Taking her gifts and things, but this time?
This time was the one day that I really needed her to be there. But she couldn’t do that. No. So I told her that I didn’t believe her, that I was sick of her excuses, her exaggeration. I asked her how we could be friends if I couldn’t rely on her for anything. And now, even though I’m afraid I might have lost her, I’m so angry. Because, I know, this time, I am the one who has been wronged. And I never did anything for her to treat me that way.
This is the beginning. This blog is now the only place I vent. no one real needs to know. or should know.
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