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Well today is Friday and somehow I managed to get myself up and bring myself to work. I still feel incredibly weak and just plain out of sorts. I have been told that I have negative S I X days off from work! So this means that no matter what happens to me from here till December 31st, I HAVE TO SHOW UP FOR WORK!!! FORTUNATELY for me I work for a GREAT organization that is willing to work with me on those negative hours and allow me to work "some of them off", so that I won't come home with a paycheck that is not even worth cashing.
I am not a drama queen, I know I have stated this recently and unfortunately things popped up in the last couple of months where I had to take off from work (funerals,husband ill w/diabetes that had to be hospitalized,ect.) and now when I really need my vacation/sick time, it is gone. Aside from being negative in the hours department (that I took for granted), I am now feeling W E I R D.....I feel sad and melancholy and then on the next moment, I feel as if I want to rip someone's head off! I am taking my "happy pills", (and have been for years now), but ever since Tuesday when I had my panic attack, I feel as if some emotions were unleashed from me and do not want to be tamed back in to the "closet" where I have kept them for all of this time. I am now worrying about things that I can not control and if I allow myself, I will work myself up into an emotional state that will proceed with water works. Crying can be cleansing at times, but I feel as if I start to cry, I won't want to stop. HOPEFULLY, I can save the crying party for after 5:00 p.m. or at least away from work in the privacy of my own home.
I know that I should be extremely greatful for all of the blessing in my life and yet here I am being on an emotional roller coaster...I hope and pray that by this time next week, all of these feelings that I am dealing with will be dealt with accordingly. I don't thank God often enough for all that I have and today I want to say THANK YOU GOD, for all that you have blessed me with.
I know that I didn't have to write that, for God already knows that I am thankful, but I (me) need to see this in black in white sometimes so that it will register in my mind. I know that things will get better...I BELIEVE this.