Thoughts.com

Let's see, let's see. I haven't anything to write about lately, so sorry about the weird intervals between updates. Dude, comment, please! I love them...Screw Dumbledore and his whole "Voldemort doesn't know love" crap. I love your comments, Oh So Faithful Readers! And my mum's meatloaf. (See "Please Don't Sue Us, JKR" post.)

I've been doing a lot of thinking, though. You know, the normal: what to have for breakfast, how to kill Harry Potter, what colour socks I should wear, did I leave the stove on, how to kill Harry Potter and his little friends too, what do I need to get from the supermarket, the recipe for strawberry muffins, why are there handicap bathrooms at the top of a building without elevators, how to kill Harry Potter...?

You know, same 'ol, same 'ol.

Then, when I boarded a particular train of thought, a strange idea came to me. What would it be like to live on a farm? I would send all my Death Eaters there, too. We would have cows, chickens, sheep...I don't know, giant mutant man eating plants? I haven't any clue how to come about farming. I'm insanely jealous of all those muggle farmers that can just sit around on a tractor all day and watch the sunrise. *sigh* If only my life were that interesting...

So imagine I was at a Death Eater Gathering when I told them this:

Me: Hey, guess what, everybody?

Death Eaters: What?

Me: I wanna send us all to a farm!

Narcissa: WHAT?! A fat farm? ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?!?!?!?! I'll have twice the figure you'll ever have! *Breaks down crying*

Me(To Narcissa): Crucio! That's what you get for 1) Speaking out of turn, 2) Insulting my figure, and 3) Being an emotional wreck.

Me(To Death Eaters):That's what happens when you let your emotions get the best of you! So, bottle them all up and release them in anger when dueling those blasted Order of the Fried Chicken People! You'll surely win, then! Don't listen to those psyhcotic muggle psyhcologists! They're wrong! And they're muggles, and muggles don't know anything! Oh, and let that be a lesson to you all, DON'T INSULT MY FIGURE! I take great pride in it.

Me: ANYways, we're all moving to a farm and raising mutant man eating plants. I leaning towards a corn-pitbull hybrid. Yea. That'll be completely spacey. (That's a good thing, FYI) We'll all get up at the crack of dawn, too! Anybody who disagrees will be tortured and killed! Any questions?

Death Eaters: *Silence* *Crickets Chirp* *Faint Music Playing*

Me: What is that bloody noise?!? DRACO MALFOY!

Draco: *Jumps up like a frightened kitten*

Me: What are you listening to? Huh? ANSWER ME BOY! CRUCIO!!

Draco: *Mumbles incoherrently*

Me: WHAT?!?!?!!?!?

Draco: Coldplay on my iPod...they're really good, okay?

Me: *Taps foot impatiently*

Draco: ...My Lord.

Me: *Smiles* That's what I thought. Anyway, what is this Coldplay of which you speak?

Draco: A band, my lord...a muggle band.

Senior Malfoys: LE GASP!

Me: Cool. Can I listen?

Draco: Sure...my lord.

Me: *Listens to them for a while* Dude, these guys are AWESOME! Let's go see them on tour! We'll be groupies and everything! *Takes out pocketbook* Scratch the farm idea...*Mumbles while writing*...become groupies for Coldplay...make them my minions...use...subliminal...messaging...EXCELLENT! Off we go! One, two, three, APPARATE!

Yeah. That's how I went from farming to music.

So we all went to a concert, I forget where, though. I guess that there was a wizard there or something and called the Aurors and the Order of the Flaming Flamingo. Soooo, we all started dueling and crap. It was awesome. The atmosphere was terrifying. I loved every minute of it!

It turns out that Chris Martin, lead singer for Coldplay, was a wizard too. He started dueling me and everything. Makes sense 'cause he was a bloody Gryffindor, I found out. I almost killed him, but his music was too good. I just imperio'd him and sent him to kill off some people. Quite a fun time if I do say so myself!

Dude. I'm sooo freaking bored. I've been laying around the mansion just watching movies. As much as I hate muggles, I can't help but to watch their movies. They're so real, they're almost...magical.

So I was sitting-no, not sitting. Lounging. Dark Lords don't sit. They lounge.-So I was lounging on a sofa when Bellatrix comes prancing in, swinging her purse. Yes, she has a purse. It's leather with chains and skulls on it. Quite dashing, if I do say so myself! She was singing about how she found a new movie to watch. It was like this:

Me: Ugh. I'm so bored. Bellatrix! Go get me one of those fantastic muggle movies!

Bellatrix: MY LORD! How can you use 'muggle' and 'fantastic' in the same sentence without 'not' inbetween?

Me: Because I'm the bloody Dark Lord Voldemort. That's why!

Bellatrix: Oh. Mmkay!

So she went to the store and got me the first DVD she saw...It was this weird movie called Sweeney Todd, The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. I was like, "What the Hell?" So I started watching it. Imagine my suprise when this muggle started singing. I was all like:

Me: BELLATRIX!!!!!!

Bellatrix: What concerns you, my lord?

Me: This movie is a...Horror Movie Musical.Musical.

Bellatrix: OH! I'm so sorry, my lord! Do you need me to get you a new one, my lord?

Me: Do you jest? This is amazing! I didn't know you knew me so well!

Bellatrix: Uh...umm..*Drools*

Me: Real sentences, please.

Bellatrix: I LIKE OWLS!

Me: Alrighty then!

I have to say, that movie is great! I think it's my favourite! My fav song is A Little Priest. That's great. I started laughing so hard at the beginning when it was giving the rating. It was like:

TV: This movie is rated 'R' for graphic bloody violence.

Me: OMG! LOL ROTF LMAO! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I love that movie

Yo!

Lately, I've been doing a bunch of those online HP roleplaying games. I have to hide my screen when anyone walks by, though, because if they found out I would die. Metaphorically. Anyhoo, on all of them, you have to take a quiz to be sorted. On all of them , I was sorted into...Hufflepuff. HUFFLEPUFF! I'm the flippin Dark Lord and I got put into ruddy HUFFLEPUFF?!? I screamed the first time. So naturally, a Death Eater came to see what was wrong. It was Bella, and she was gaping at the big "CONGRATULATIONS!! YOU GOT HUFFLEPUFF!" dancing across my screen with a little badger. That was the end of dignity. She called everyone else over and they all had a laugh at my expense. A really, really, long laugh.

Bella and Cissa still have a giggle about it whenever I walk by. They've all started wearing their old Slytherin robes to our Death Eater Gatherings, just to rub it in. Cissa has taken to calling me lil Cedric. They seem to forget, or ignore, the fact that I was once a proud Slytherin. But, no! They go around telling me "Slytherin in body, Hufflepuff in spirit!" Bella even gave me a set of Hufflepuff robes! Gee thanks, Bella, thanks a lot for that. Although I will admit, they look pretty dashing on me. Yellow is definitely my colour. I swear, I'll never live this down. Voldemort, the Hufflepuff. *Sighs*

What good is a Hufflepuff anyways? What have they ever done? Eaten? Breathed? Sure, Cedric was the school champion in the Triwizard tournament, but he DIED! Ha ha, I killed him. Yay for me!

Hufflepuff: -1
Voldy: 1

Hmm, well that makes me feel better about myself. I want a celebratory quesadilla. Have you ever noticed that quesadilla sounds like a type of dinosaur? Or a monster??

Me: Surrender now, innocent townsfolk, or I'll sic my quesadilla on you!

Innocent townsfolk: NO!! NOT THE QUESADILLA!!

Me: Oh yes, the quesadilla. He will devour your brains and cover you with sticky cheese!

Innocent townsfolk: NOT CHEESE!!

Me: Muah ha ha ha ha ha!

Wow, I need to get me one of them...

Hey everyone!

It's me again, your favourite dark lord! Okay, sorry 'bout the long space between updates. I was reading Breaking Dawn. I absolutely love the Twilight Saga. I think it's brilliant! I went to the Release Party and everything. I even dressed up, but I I wasn't nominated for best costume. I thought that I should've won. My outfit was stunning! I'm not going to tell you what it looked like because I'm sure that you would steal it and sell the outfit on e-bay, or something...

ANYways, I am soooo popular. Everybody was staring at me and talking to me. I felt like a princess! I got all these tingly feelings inside of me. I haven't any idea what that means. It could have been that I was hungry or or had a tummy ache. It's sort of weird, but I am always hungry ever since I got my new serpentine body. I could eat a horse...or Harry Potter. That woud be one way to kill him. I should start plotting. Let's see, I would send one of my Death Eaters to his house-WAIT! I can't tell you. You would leak out the plan. If I tell you, then I'd have to kill you! Muah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That was an evil laugh, FYI.

Okay, back to Breaking Dawn. I thought that the ending was quite dreadful. What was up with Jacob imprinting on Renesemee? That was soooo weird. I guess it was cute in a disgusting kind of way. But Dark Lords don't think anything is cute. We like guts and killing stuff. Bellatrix, for example. She would be a good dark lord, except for the fact that I don't love anything, you know? I really hope that Bellatrix won't read this...if she did I would never hear the end of it! It would go something like this:

Me: "Hi, Bellatrix! You wanna go kill some mudbloods for me?"

Bellatrix: "Oh sure, My Lord, I love killing stuff escpecially because I would be a good Dark Lord! Or Lady, if that's what you think of me!" *wink,wink*

Me: "You know I didn't mean it that way. I meant that you're a very sadistic and controling person. A good choice for a Dark Lord!"

Bellatrix(The Crazy Woman): "Mmhmm. Of course, my love. I believe that someday we will get married and a bunch of human/serpent babies together. We'll have a nice cottage in Hogmeade. I can just imagine it now..." *Starts drooling*

Me:

Yeah, that's what it would be like.

Back to Breaking Dawn. For a Dark Lord, I seem to be getting off track a lot today. I am so angry right now at Stephenie Meyer! If she was in the UK right now, I'd go crucio her. Then I would force her to write a better ending. Actually, I would make her write a better book. Then I'd burn her at the stake, cut out her eyes, use them as a birthday girft for Nagini, then I would kill her for good measure. The climax was terrible. They solved the conflict DIPLOMATICALLY! What the hell!?!?!?!? Grrrr...I bet I'm giving Harry Potter a horrid headache right now. Good. At least something turned out right. I was looking forward to more people getting killed. I even started a betting pool with Lucius, Rodolphus, Rabastan, Dolohov, Macnair, Bellatrix, and Draco...

I lost. I cannot believe that Draco kid won. Stupid kid. I crucio'd him for ten minutes striaght. That's how mad I was. I've been trying to control my temper and everything, but it's not working. Sigh....I've been going to anger management classes. My counslor is Dr. Fluffypants. He's actually pretty helpful.When I get really angry, he lets me borrow his pants, which are very fluffy, by the way.it calms me down spectacularly! Too bad that I can't put on those pants in the middle of a Death Eater Gathering...Imagine the innuedos...*shudder* oh, that simply will not do. I would have to hide my face from all of society!
 
Just to let you know, the Death Eater Gatherings are never like that. It's strictly business. Oh, but at the beginning, it was horrible. There were, like 10 teenage couples, and they were all snogging their brains out. It was disgusting.

Haha. I sound like a 1st year. That's probably because...





I've never been kissed.




OMG! Don't tell anyone! PLEASE! I mean, doesn't mean that girls didn't try. I was a god. I have to create a new word to describe how handsome I was. And I still am handsome. My word would be something like...sexyfine. I am a sexyfine god. Yup. That'll work.

Alright, don't sue us. (We don't own Voldy or anything. We're just freaks.(but extremely cool freaks.))

Now that we have all that cleared up, this is Voldy givin a holla to all my boyz.  Yo Death Eaters, yo gonna eat dat death, fo rizz. Yea, dat an my grl Bellatrix. She's my home skillet biscuit.

Okay, now that I conversed with my 'companions,' I would like to say that we're recruiting new members. We need ruthless villians that won't become emotionally attached with me.(Bella) I mean, who wouldn't  fall head over heels in love with me? I have awesome snake-like hair and no nostrils. That means no boogies for me! I'M FREAKIN AWESOME!! Oh, you'll also need to like killing people and take direct orders from me. If you disobey me, I'll kill you. Simple as that. Maybe let Bella torture you for a bit, she likes to do that. Also, you get your awesome cloak taken away. Man, those things rock. Except for that short little phase, when we thought we were the KKK...*shudders* Bad memories...

Anywho, I suppose I should talk about my thoughts, my feelings, and ... myself. You know, as a dark lord, you don't really get to express yourself. Homemade greeting cards, for example, are generally frowned upon in the evil population.

Okay, I really love my mum's meatloaf. I'll freely admit that. Even though she was dead a few minutes after I was born. I heard great comments from Uncie Morfin. Right before I killed him. I believe his last words were, "WAIT! Merope's meatloaf was totally tubular!" Then I was all like, "Dude! She's, like, dead and stuff. AVADA KEDAVRA!" I fricking searched the whole house for that bleedin recipe! All I found was that ruddy ring...

Right now I feel like venting. WHY does Bella insist on cuddling up to me? I have my dignity to protect, you know? I don't get it. Doesn't she have a husband? That guy, what's-his-name. I think it's Rod-something. Yeah.

I wear tighty whities. With pink fuzzy hearts on them with white lace. My name is embroidered on the back with BRIGHT PINK!!! It's so smexy. I'm getting off topic.

JKR! Don't sue us--I mean, me! I'm just a guy ... with a likeness to serpents.

Love,
Voldy