I saw my family doctor today for a checkup, and I had to mention the craziest thing that has been bugging me for a while. He said it's because there is too much pressure on me, though I don't know what he is talking about. The problem is I have these scary crazy thoughts sometimes, like if lets say I'm chopping onions, all of the sudden I get a vivid bloody image of me stabbing my self by accident... or somehow falling on the knife... see... I know, it's really freaky!! My doctor thinks there is too much pressure on me and I'm under too much stress... interesting thing is R has been saying that too, as well as my family!! Wouldn't I know it if I were under stress... I've been told I'm stressed so much that I decided to go out for a coffee on my own and just take some time out.
Not a good idea because the woman in front of me at the coffee place line up had no idea what she was doing and just pissed me off. She had no respect for anyone’s personal bubble and when she would switch her place in line and stand behind me I could actually feel her breathing on me... I was getting so mad, I could feel my heart beat rise :) lol so much for trying to take some time out!
The only thing that does stress me in my life right now is R. The fact that he does not listen, the fact that I would go through an entire story and half way through or at the end he suddenly jumps in and says "Sorry I wasn't paying attention, can you start over" he has done this many times.
And when I ask him to do something, something not even for me... for my son or even for himself, he just takes so long that I either end up doing it myself or I end up telling him several times, at which point he tends to yell, through something around, or raise his voice at me!
It sounds worse than it is, I think. We have this pact... a good relationship is one where love and respect are equally important, and so we always point out the lack of respect and get an immediate apology. And yes I do occasionally disrespect R too... usually when I'm mad at him, or when he is mad at me... but again, nothing big.
I know what some of you might be thinking.... there is a relationship heading for the drain! I know it is not anything like that. I always promised myself, I would never be one of those women who sit around and take what ever they are given, I always know I would have no problem leaving R if it ever came to that... but now that we have a child together... the story is different... now I could understand why some of those women would not leave.
I'm getting ahead of myself... just because R has too much on his mind and takes sooo long to do anything and that I am overly impatient in everything doesn't mean we have a problem.

It's kind of sad... my best friend from University went to another country to do her masters and now she has decided she will stay there. She was the only person that really knew what went on inside my head. I could tell her everything, and I didn't have to worry about what she might think of me... she is the most amazing person I have ever known. Now we have lost touch and the occasional conversations we have are about how totally she has changed and that I wouldn't even recognize her if I see her... and might not even be friends with her because of how much her personality and attitude has changed... these are her words, not mine.
I feel so alone!!

The first time I saw my in-laws (after we had gotten married) one of the conversations that came up was how happy they were to see me love my husband soo much that I had even gone out of my way and lost some weight for him before our wedding. Then they went on saying how R had always dreamed about marring someone who is tiny and skinny (which I have never been) This was all news to me... I lost some weight for me (got down to dress size 8 at 5'7"), not for R... and even then I was never tiny and skinny (I looked sporty slim)... when I confronted R about this latter on, he said that the first time his parents were gonna see my picture he said that I had promised to lose some weight so that they would not make any comments on their own!!! And basically telling me that it was his dream to be with someone who is tinny, but that he loved me and it didn’t matter…
Need I say more??

Now after the baby I'm the biggest I have ever been and it is once again my personal goal to lose some weight, but if you were me, would you ever be comfortable naked in front of your spouse... knowing he or she has always dreamt of something different??
Would your mind not go wondering is it because of the way I look, when he doesn't show any interest in sex? for a while I actually thought he might be gay... I even tried to talk to him about it and come out and directly ask him... I never did, but I told him I was unhappy and that I wanted more... he just said he is tired most days, and that he wants me to go to him so that he is not pressuring me into sex??? I have never known a man to do such a thing
What am I supposed to think??