OK ! So here I am at my first blog.... I guess I'm here to try to save my sanity. My id is MARRIEDWIDOW. Reason: It's what I am... I am married to a man that is totaly disabled in body & mind. He is 55. I am 54. We have been together for 27 years. he has been "gone" for the past 7 years. I love him. I won't leave him. But I NEED MORE!!! I need to be able to talk, walk, just be with a man.. I can live w/o the sex part if I had the emotional part...

He can't carry on a conversation, walk for more that a few yards, do anything to help around the house. I work 90-110 hours a week, have a home based business, do the maintance, cleaning, shopping, cooking, laundry, care giving.. Now throw in an old dog that has health problems, 2 young kittens, 4 grandkids that I help co-raise. I AM GOING OUT OF MY FLIPPIN' MIND!!!

I have two grown kids. One has no children (THANKYOU!!) The other has the 4 by two wives. He chooses not to work outside the home, but can't make enough to support his family. Proof: He has been in jail for non-support, I buy most of the kids school supplies & clothes. Today their water got shut off. I don'r have the money to turn it back on AND SHOULDN'T HAVE TOO!! But now, I have 2 young grand kids, 10 & 8, with no water. They told me tonight that they had to use their old backpacks that are comming apart to start school with. I love my son. But I DO NOT always like him... His wife works full time & goes to school 4 days a week.. He sits on his butt!!!

My oldest grandson,17, stays with me of a summer so he can work, earn a little cash,, Early June, he borrowed my truck, crashed! We nearly lost him. He has recovered, will carry the scars the rest of his life. But at least, he still has a life.. However! Insurance didn't cover the full price of the loan, I had to get another vehicle. $$$$$$$ He has gone back to his moms. This house sure feels empty without him here..

OK I have to get off of here & on to Ebay. I need to finish listing & PRAY stuff sells QUICK. I have to come up with $200.00 or my power gets turned off Tuesday. Why? It's back to the husband thing.. Between his DR. bills & meds... I have insurance - for all its worth. Make too much to get state aid. He is on Medicare But it's not enough. He should be in a nursing home. I DAMN SURE can't afford that!

So I work, I pay, & I would LOVE to cry. But I can't. I'm afraid if I ever start, I won't stop. ANd I just don't have time for it....

T.A.M.

marriedwidow