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Thinking causes problems

There comes a point in everyone’s life, when they stop and re-evaluate their lives and try to determine whether they need to make changes or whether they are being, thinking or doing just for others. I think, when I turned fifty a couple of weeks ago I came to that point. I know it was not the turning fifty, because I still do not believe that I am. It was more of the events of the past couple of years that have gotten me to this point.
In 2005, I was in a catastrophic car accident. I had my back broken in two places and my neck received three herniated discs and three bulging discs. Therefore, physically, my life changed dramatically. I am now, against my will, forced to be retired. I am living everyday in severe pain and with numbness in one or the other leg as well as in both arms. It was as if the accident started me on a downhill spiral, which I have yet to climb out of. However, add to that the fact that in 1988, I had my middle back broken through a domestic violence situation, and my back has just about given out.
The doctors all told me I would not be walking for long, once I started walking again. Then when I had neck surgery, they told me I would never turn my head again. Then when I decided not to allow them to open me up and scrape my spine, they told me they would not be able to treat me anymore because I was refusing the only treatment that would keep me walking. THEY WERE WRONG!!
I am still walking, still working part-time and still fighting it out. I am in severe pain everyday, 24 hours a day but am not willing to take mind-altering drugs to take care of the pain. I use mind control, exercising and heat therapy to make it tolerable. I am weak, unable to stand or walk for long. I do not have the strength I used to have and I am unable to sit for more than ten minutes at a time. However, I am still able to walk, take care of myself and do the things I need to do.
I know that my extended family feels that I brought this on myself because I started it with an abusive husband. I was just following my mother's example. However, while I have been married four times to abusive men (all four of them) when I divorced my fourth one in 1988, I stayed single. I never married again because I felt that my children deserved better than to grow up watching their Mom get beat to shreds. I am still friends with my ex's that are still living, because I do not hold them responsible for their actions since as soon as it was over, they each went into therapy. Two of them apologized to me after several months of therapy and so far have not had any further incidents. One of them has since passed away, from AIDS related complications and the fourth has yet to reach the level of therapy that allows him to admit that it was not my fault.
My family thinks I am wrong for forgiving and forgetting but I have always believed that holding the anger and resentment towards them would end up ruining my life more than theirs. I felt the only way I can move on with my life was to let go of the past. My family feels I have made the wrong decisions as they felt I should have tried to work it out, make the marriage work or whatever. As I said, I have stayed alone since 1988 because I refused to take the chance on love again. It was not worth it to me.
My first husband beat me and put me in the hospital for three weeks. My second husband controlled every move I made and if I made the wrong move or whatever, I was beat with belts, locked in a room for days and other things. My third husband beat me everyday until the day he broke my back and my children watched and my fourth husband was an inmate in prison, so I never lived with him but when he ended up punching me in the visiting room, I divorced him. I would rather be alone than to have a man beat on me or in other ways control me, as I am a human being, not a dog.
Anyway, back to the original story. I have spent the past couple of weeks thinking about and judging my life. I am definitely my own worst critic. I tend to allow people to use me and then am in extreme pain or I exhausted from the experience. I have the ability to be the only one who can handle anything that needs done in a hurry, yet I am the one whom least can handle it physically. I never complain though, never ask for help and rarely say no. Yes, I bring it all on myself.
So, where, pray tell, does that leave me? I am sitting here alone at my computer writing a blog to nobody in particular about something that most people could care less about and am in a state of indecision as to which direction I should take in my life. I live on disability and am living from one month to the next. I see only my family members and then am usually irritated when they come around. I prefer to be alone. I like the solitude. Then if it goes on for to long, I get cranky because obviously nobody really cares. The only time anyone calls me is when he or she wants me to do something for him or her. Alternatively, to tell me what I am doing wrong in my life. What is the answer?
I have considered moving away, but wouldn’t that just exacerbate the situation? Isn’t that sort of like running away? Therefore, I have considered taking an “I don’t care” attitude. However, that also is not the answer for me. I do care, probably to much, because I want to treat others how I wish they would treat me. Never happens, but I can hope, right?