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I was having a conversation over lunch.....
I wont discuss who it was, or why what was said was said.
(Did that make any sense to you? Well it did to me)
I was told (and I quote)
"You're a good girl...just not for me"
uh huh.........
"So you're saying that I'm not good enough for you?"
Ummmm, I'm not sure I asked if you thought I was good enough for you, but thanks for knocking me down a few hundred fucking levels.
So as if I haven't bad enough about myself for the past few days (don't ask, lets just say it's all been in conjunction with the wedding). Driving me to a point I haven't been at in years.....
You're gonna sit there on your high horse and tell me that you don't honestly believe I'm good enough for you?
Great....
So I spent a good portion of Tuesday night, thursday, friday, and sunday crying.....and now I'm sitting at work fighting back tears.....
You know here's a little secret into mamacita's head....
I talk a huge fucking game about being strong, miss independant, don't give a damn what you think about me...Truth is, I'm the hardest on myself.
I know, I know, everyone's their own worst critic. You don't understand how mean I am to myself.
I guess it has alot to do with shit like what that guy told me.
I've heard it before...."Don't let a man convince you of your self worth"
Well it's just not that fucking easy.....
Words hurt, especially when you hear them alot...
Yes I'm a big girl, no I'm not necessarily happy about it, but I do what I can.
I'm self-concious out in public which is why I end up getting trashed when I go out (like the bachelorette party)...so I can forget that I look like a beached whale ( yes that's the way I see myself).
With that one simple comment, I'm convinced that no, I'm not good enough for anyone. If I was I wouldn't be single.
And that I'm obviously destined to be single for the rest of my life.
I don't feel good enough for Kaylie, I can't give her everything she wants.
I feel like once she's old enough she's gonna go live with my parents cause she too will realize that I'm not good enough for her.
I don't feel good enough for my job, like I'm a huge fuck up. That's probably why I'm convinced that they''re gonna fire me.
I've never felt good enough for my parents, I've always felt like i've been a huge disapointment to them.
I don't even feel like I'm good enough for myself.........
I haven't eaten anything since last Wednesday.........
So there's a little insight into who mamacita really is......not so fun is it?? |
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Posted by Mamacita925 on 2008-06-24 12:48:34 | Rating: | Views: 132
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Michelle, your killing me girl! We all have our insecurities. I have a couple friends who are 5'12 120lbs and complain that they have no chest and their legs are too long and they never feel feminine enough... as women I'm convinced we'll never be happy with what we have but always think the grass is always greener on the other side... but it's not. Your good enough for all of the things you listed not being good enough for. You are! I know what your going through, being a little big myself I have the same issues with weight and clothes and blah blah blah... but your awesome and you will find someone. They'd have to be stupid to pass up your fine ass! OHHH GET IT GIRL!.
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Posted by LadiLucifer
on 2008-06-24 13:46:20
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OHHHH and you don't want to be with someone that sounds/seems that self absorbed anyway.
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Posted by LadiLucifer
on 2008-06-24 13:48:48
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Ladi - you brought tears to my eyes...thank you! The thing is, before I had princess I was like a size 8...then I ballooned. I haven't felt the same about myself since. I know I don't want to be with someone who's self absorbed, but it's just been one failed relationship after another. I'm either too big or have a kid....It's like I'm tainted goods and no one wants any part of it....
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Posted by Mamacita925
on 2008-06-24 14:00:19
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You are good enough! You are so worth it, and you are right you are just being hard on yourself. I bet you are a great mom, a great friend, a great employee and a great person, don't let men get you down. They are just miserable because they pee standing up.
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Posted by KarKar
on 2008-06-24 14:10:03
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Well we love you the way you are big gal, kids and all!
Stay strong, you'll get past these feelings.
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Posted by LadiLucifer
on 2008-06-24 14:30:43
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I'm gonna start this comment off with a hug. *hug* You are not having a good day. I think that I'm gonna find that a-hole & beat him for you! You are a great girl - loving, fun, beautiful. Don't let him get you down, he's not worth it! Oh, I wanna kick him in the head for hurting you! Grrr!
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Posted by Mandie142
on 2008-06-24 15:26:14
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KarKar - thx hun...I appreciate it....
Mandie - thx mandie....If I call you later crying chances are I'm drunk......It's not that I'm having a bad day, more like a bad life...
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Posted by Mamacita925
on 2008-06-24 15:34:28
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Firstly, *hugs* to you, I think everyone needs one today
I too have been where you are now, and I know how hard it can be. Look around you and see how many people love and care about you....especially Kaylie....you're her mum and she loves you more than anything. I have been reading your blogs for a while now, and I can see you have a heart of gold.
Be kind to you....you deserve it :)
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Posted by Kaybee
on 2008-06-24 23:37:15
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I don't know you well, but from what I have read your daughter is going to be very proud of you when she gets older. Maybe you can't give her everything she wants, but I'm sure you give her everything she needs....and that is much more important.
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Posted by HungryHeart
on 2008-06-25 00:47:00
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Kaybee - thanx for the hug. I try to be good to myself and then some shit like that happens and I have to ask myself "why bother? No one else thinks I'm worth it then why should I?" I hate being like this I really do..
HungryHeart - Your words are so kind. I can't express how they touched me. Thank you so much for coming by and commenting
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Posted by Mamacita925
on 2008-06-25 08:44:04
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Ok... as far as your daughter goes... a good parent never gives a child everything they want... you give her what she needs and that is important. You give her direction and love. As far as being good enough for your self, most of us are never good enough for ourselves. If I told you how I truely felt about me I would get yelled at lol.
ok so because you look in the mirror and see what you want to see, let me give you a look from the outside looking in... I see someone who is like an M&M hard on the outside soft on the inside... whos shell as of late is getting thin... careing, and bold, true to her friends even when they do not deserve it, and a great lystener. A mom who truely loves her child with all her heart. That is what is see. So for me, smile just one time each day... just once, and maybe after a while it will be a habbit and you wont be able to stop.
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Posted by DouglasMB
on 2008-06-25 10:31:24
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I am so sorry that you are feeling so down on yourself these days. We all get that way sometimes and, the worst part is giving some clueless unworthy jerk the power to influence how we feel about ourselves. I've been there, actually I am there right about now. From everything I've read, you are a WONDERFUL mother and a fiercly loyal friend as well as a hoot to hang out with. You will NOT be single forever - the right guy just needs to find you and scoop you up.
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Posted by Meredith
on 2008-06-25 10:39:13
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Doug - thank you hun....you have a way with words...I've told you before and I'm gonna keep telling you until it sinks in....you are truely one in a million
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Posted by Mamacita925
on 2008-06-25 10:44:36
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Mere - I know it sucks when I let someone like that influence me..but sometimes it's just hard to avoid.....I hope there's a guy out there for me....It's just that as of now, I'm not keeping my hopes up.
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Posted by Mamacita925
on 2008-06-25 10:47:11
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I hate that you are feeling this down. I know the feeling. I use to be very self concious about my weight and I thought that no one could love me because of it. When my ex-husband left me, I was convinced that I was not good enough. I have learned that where one door closes another one opens. I know that's corny but you have to believe in yourself and that you can do anything you set your mind to. I know you are down but you have a lot of good in your life, a beautiful daughter, loving parents and a dependable job. You too will meet someone, we are not meant to be a lone. Whomever said that to you is an ASS! Don't let them have control over you and your feelings because you deserve someone who sees you and thinks you are beautiful and that is out there!
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Posted by prelude2it
on 2008-06-25 10:57:41
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Mamacita, I'm just getting around to catching up on blogs, so I'm a bit behind. But this made my eyes water.
WTH??? Although I have long known there is this incredibly soft heart under that tough outer-shell with you, this is part of your charm. You are beautiful, and there's pics to prove it. But more importantly than your physical appearance is what's on the inside. In short, you're the shit, I adore you, and anyone that doesn't is just plain crazy. If you can't believe in yourself right now (and we all have those streaks), believe in the people here that see what you don't. Much love to you and tons of hugs, soul sista!!
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Posted by BlueMoonInMyEye
on 2008-06-28 10:29:53
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