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| Know thy self ... |
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Self Deprivation, limiting beliefs, that's where I'm at today. Not on the negative side, I'm on the side that sees that this can change.
The other day I was sitting outside and I hadn't been feeling good ... really not good like wondering if I was going to live much longer. I discovered much to my amazement that I truly did not want to depart just yet. Part of me, in my illness was thinking it would be better and I was ready. Leaving would end the need to figure out what to do next and the worries of this world so to speak (yes depression had set in for the morning; it's seems to be part of being sick for an extended period of time). In the next moment I thought of my mother and the loss of my brother who was in a car accident at 16. He was in a coma for 7 years and died when he was 23. The pain I saw her go through was mind numbing. If I left I would leave her childless and in her 70's having to go through the death of another, her last child.
Then there were my granddaughters and my son's in my thoughts. I have things left to teach them if they are willing. We think in our 20's "we've got this". Then the middle to late thirty's come and we begin to understand that we have very little in the "got this" department. I only started to realize, to believe how little I understood in this universe, at 36. I do believe I have some good stuff to share ... when they ask, when they are ready. I did not have a relationship with my mother really and yet I can tell you I needed her more in my 30's then ever in my teens. It would have been nice to talk about things I was learning and questioning. We've never seen "eye-to-eye though.
So next I moved on to wanting to live, really wanting to be here ... and that led me to a state of what I'll call meditation for lack of a better word.
When I was in my late 20's I found a friend that was an alcoholic. I listened to her story and I found similarities ... right t0 the point where she was "dry" before she found a program. I liked the way she was living now and I wanted some of that. Now in my youth I had been a drinker, a bar-tender and I really liked the way the alcohol freed me up to let loose. I lost much of my introvertness during drinking. Anyway, I decided I must be an alcoholic and I went into the program. I worked the steps many times, had sponcee's and was active in the program for many years. Toward the end, after some new information came in my life I began to question my belief. I never had that life changing epiphany others had, even my sponsees seemed to have them. I could say honestly that I never had a higher-power experience. I was dry when I came to AA, and I learned wonderful ways to live my life ... at no time did I have that life altering acknowledgment of a higher power.
Now I believe in a power greater than myself. I choose to call it God with out all the religion attached. However, although I had many conversations in prayer ... it always seemed one sided. In my desperation (which in my opinion you have to get to your level of desperation) I truly asked for communication. I asked for the obsession I had, to be removed. It was physical. I had a physical and mental sensation that the obsession I had was being removed.
I tend to eat things that I'm allergic to and cause great harm to my body when I get my emotional bell rung. Something will happen, most of the time I'm not even aware of what ... and boom, I start to function outside of myself and I eat things that harm me. And all the time this is happening, I'm telling myself subconsciously, it's ok... this time.
What a gift. In my life time I have been able to do nothing about this on my own (my ego, mind, self will) to change this. I believe it's gone. I got an added bonus of understand that I am more than my mind on a deeper level and that if I choose to abuse this body, which is a gift, the mind can not stay, the spirit can not stay. We are intertwined, only separate in the ego's eyes. I developed a love of my body on that day and an understanding of the part we all play ... not I, we. I get it ... I feel it ... which is where change has to happen for me. I often understand thing on a level of logic long before they incorporate emotionally. And yes, I did drink and I do not have an obsession for alcohol. I can take it or leave it. It is not my addiction and believing and pretending it was is part of why I never was able to have this experience I think.
So, I'm off to work on a few other things like the obsession that I am not good enough. I would like to see me/believe in me/know me as my higher power does so to speak. By the way ... I do not see God as outside of me. I am not praying to something outside of myself. I am part of ... I've gotten that intellectually for a long time. I'm ready to see what I am really made of and I think even ready to believe it ... lol. Miracles have happened ... and I believe this is only the beginning.
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Posted by Maggie8753 on 2009-11-04 14:33:03 | Rating: | Views: 3
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