I have another account on here, but I don't know what happened to it. It suddenly doesn't recognize my password regardless of the fact that I haven't changed my password in ages on any website and I usually keep them pretty much the same. Whatever. It said it was supposed to send me a new password but I definately haven't gotten it yet. Great. Fuck it, if it doesn't send me one, I'll have to send a message to my friends on here to let them know. I'm not worried about it for now. I hope it sends me a new password though.
So my kids have to go in for a paternity test on tuesday. Basically, I know for sure that my oldest is his .... But the youngest is 50/50 .... Either my ex or the guy who raped me at a party. I finally broke down and told my closest friend B today. He's always been there, and is one of the few men I trust these days. He let me cry on him. I love him to death and am so glad to have him as a friend. He told me to talk to T, but I've taken some time away from him because he was getting too close and I am definately not ready to be close to anyone again.
I'm a wreck. I wish I could trust more people, but I know that I can't. Trusting B took me like 4 years, and even now, there's things I haven't told him. He slowing finds them out, but aside from that, I don't offer up anything. He knows how to pry though, but he does it so well that I don't even really realize he's doing it until later. But B can empathize with almost anyone. I'm hard to read he says, because I've got so many walls up, so he has to do a lot of work to find things out.
Sometimes I want so badly to run away from everything .... from my family to my past. I wish I hadn't gotten into the situations I had to have been raped..... I wish I had never trusted that asshole J who took advantage of a girl who was too drunk to see straight, or say no, or fight back..... I wish I had been able to trust certain people in order to know how to avoid others. Instead, I trusted all the wrong people and got myself into trouble.
And now I have the most wonderful children in the world.... But unfortunately, they won't know their father. Because Daddy was an asshole. My oldest child's father is a deadbeat with a bad temper, and unfortunately he felt the need to take that temper out on me when we were together...... And stupid me allowed it for almost 4 years. There's a reason I haven't dated since we broke up. I'm tired of being hurt, and I can't trust anyone, so why would I want to be in a relationship if I can't trust anyone?
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