Still haven't heard anything about my other account and I don't know why.  I really liked that one better too.  I had fans.  Not that I couldn't easily add my friend TAC, but if I finally get the other one worked out, I won't be using this one anymore, so what's the point? 

I've been trying to get this position at work as a head cashier (basically is like a manager but with a little less authority) but I have to wait until the current person leaves.  I hate playing the waiting game and that's what it's down to.  All the important people know I want the position and I've done everything asked of me in order to ensure that there's no way that I can be turned down.  I've been there less than a year, but the turn over rate is so high, me being there that long has made me a senior basically, lol.

My friend T and I might get a place together.  We were talking about it.  Basically, he needs a place, I need a place, but I hope that he understands it's only on a friendship level and that I'm not wanting to take things any further than they are.  I'm so fucking afraid of getting into a relationship or trusting another human being besides B that it's scary.  I have unequivocally put trust in B, and I can't even trust T that way.....  But maybe it's because he has ulterior motives that I don't WANT to trust him?

Fuck.

I don't know.  All I can say is that I'm sitting here all alone, wondering on Valentine's Day if I'm too broken to continue.  I want to be able to trust myself and earlier I was talking to T and he asked me about what happened the other day that B talked to me about, but I couldn't say.  I just mumbled "I don't want to talk about it."  S has also been pestering me about it.  Only three people know that I have to go have the paternity testing done, and that's B, the baby sitter, and my boss.  I don't really want to tell anyone else right now.  And depending on the outcome, I don't know if I want to tell anyone ... ever.

If I could go back in time and change things, I probably would.  My kids should have a better life than I did, and it has been such a rough start that I'm starting to wonder if I can pull through alright.  I hope so.  Fuck, I hope so.