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Why do I do these things...

I signed up here for something "new" and "different", but I've been debating what I should actually write about. I had a blog on another site that tracked my sexcapades, but it was there primarily for a friend of mine (AA mentioned below) to keep up with me. I might add them to here, if I have time, but only after this introduction.

I go through these phases where I don't give a damn what people think about me, but then, a few weeks later I get paranoid wondering who knows what about me, and what are they saying behind my back. It's such a sick weakness of mine. Hopefully, I'll get to the point where I don't give a damn, permanently, but it has yet to surface.

A little background about me. I was raised in a strict Christian home. I didn't go through the normal teenage rebellion until I hit 17 or so. And then, instead of partying it up, finishing college, etc. I got married at the ripe old age of 20. Four years later, I had a son. And three years after that a daughter. I was the "good girl". Great wife, great mother, daughter, friend, yada yada. But it all started disintegrating a couple of years ago, which was a few years after my mother died. You see, she was the foundation of my immediate family. She made sure everyone stayed in contact, helped whomever was in need, and was just a great person overall. But after her death in 2000, I started looking back to her life as well as my own over all those years. I finally realized that my mother was a people pleaser, and I too had become one. Not that that is such a bad thing, but I realized that although pleasing others brings some joy, she nor I had ever really figured out what WE wanted.

It was at this realization that I began questioning a lot of things in my life...primarily my marraige. I saw how I got married, to please my parents. They weren't too keen on the idea when I moved in and lived with my boyfriend at the time. So although we were in love, everything was kind of pushed ahead. We lived together 3 months, he proposed 3 months later, and we married 7 months after that. And no, I wasn't pregnant, but it's just the way things fell into place.

Well, back in 2001-2, I had a brief flirtation/affair (if you can call it that) with one of my employees. We only made out (a lot), but our affair was primarily emotional. It ended up turning in to nothing and I found another job...my current one.

I started this job in the fall of 2002 and was kind of relieved to be able to start with a clean slate (so to speak). The hubby and I were okay, and he had no idea about the former "friendship" except that we were JUST friends. A week or so into my new job, one of my coworkers hit on me. I got sick to my stomach. I thought I'd be "good" in this new position. I didn't send off any signals and was actually quite quiet and reserved. I didn't want anyone to know anything about me except that I was happily married with children. So, he hit on me, told me to think about it, and I politely declined or just didn't say anything....I can't remember. And life went on.  He & I ended up getting to know each other ever so slightly by just talking about family vacations and such. He's married, as well. Oh, and I should probably mention his race, even though to me it doesn't matter, but to my family it would. He's an attractive African American/American Indian, four years my junior who, is married to a caucasian woman.

In 2006, I started having a lot of fun at work and had become very close with my team. We had team happy hours, we'd all chat on IM throughout the day ..and yes, we were productive too. It was great! My friendships grew with many. Unfortunately or fortunately (depending on my mood), I became very close with one of the newer coworkers. He's a Korean man, four years my junior, whom I had a lot in common with. He was pretty shy when he first joined our team, but he slowly opened up. He's a singer/songwriter in his spare time, and he wrote a novel (unpublished). After getting closer, he shared all of this with me and our bond grew deeper as I would share my poetry with him. He's funny, cute and a smart ass. I really grew close to him. We IM'd throughout the day, and then at night we'd email back and forth on myspace, leave stupid comments for each other, etc. It was a perfect friendship, but platonic. He was newly married (a year or so), and I, of course had been married almost 16 years and had a 8 and 11 year old. It was a GREAT friendship, UNTIL I began flirting with others...but ultimately a poor decision I made ended it all :(

Shortly after getting close with the Korean guy, the AA guy began talking to me more and one day in passing he did his -ever so often - walk by hit by saying "Wanna make out?" or something like that. Well, on December 20th 2006, my anniversary with my husband mind you, I replied "Yes!"    He, of course, thought I was bsing him because in the four years of working together I had always pushed him away or responded in a smart ass tone. So, he stopped dead in his tracks, turned around and asked, "Are you serious?!?!".   To which I replied, "Yep". He immediately stopped from wherever he was going, went back to his desk and IMd me asking where we should do it. So we decided to try the gym. Well, that didn't workout too well because the gym manager was in there, and she could tell we were up to no good. So we just played it off like we needed to talk in private, then talked to her some and left. We went back to our desks and IMd more discussing the whole thing. We ended up meeting in one of the conference rooms after work. We closed the door, and he was telling me how he couldn't believe I was finally ready. (Honestly, I couldn't either. One, never did I think I'd have another affair, and two, much less with a black man. My dad would die of a heart attack. And my grandfather...well that's a whole other story. My dad's side of the family isn't racist per se, but they make the most inappropriate comments sometimes, and it always pissed me off over the years. I can't stand bigotry. My mother's side was always more appreciative of diversity...thank god.) ...l digress... So,we made out, and OMG it was the best kiss I've EVER had! Thus it began...

Meanwhile, my friendship with the Korean guy continued, but unbeknownst to me, it apparently was causing my new "lover" some concern because one day, he came to my desk and saw me chatting with the guy and when I stood up out of my chair, he proceeded to sit down and type a message to the guy. We were having a team happy hour that night and, posing as me, he IMd the guy asking him if he wanted to hook up. Jesus. I couldn't believe he did that. And as I stood there waiting for the guy to respond, I not only felt nauseous as to how wrong it was that the AA guy did it, but I was also a little bit anxious to see the K guy's response since he and I were so close. Damned if he didn't respond back "Definitely"!    ....Now.. in retrospect, I don't know if the two of them planned it or not. And the reason I say that is because when I arrived at the happy hour, AA wasn't being very cozy. Don't get me wrong, he stood by me at the bar, but when it came time to sit down at a table, he sat at the complete opposite end! I was kind of hurt because I thought that would be our night to hook up. :( In any case, the K guy sat right next to me. We were IMing with our phones and another guy who I had been flirting with was flirting with me these evening as well...he sat across from me.   Long story short, the K guy & I kissed outside in the parking lot. As I drove home, he texted me saying he enjoyed it and wanted more. So we met at a parking lot near our workplace and briefly made out. We kissed and he grabbed my tit...no biggie.

Okay, so here's where the stupid decision I made comes into play. ...the next day, a Saturday, the AA would be working OT, so I told my hubby that I had to go in and work. So I go in, 1) feeling guilty that I kissed the K guy and 2) wondering if the K guy told the AA guy because they had become friends. When the AA & I started talking, he point blank asked, "Did ANYTHING happen after I left?"   At first I lied, but he could read me like a book. So I told him what happened. And, unfortunately I made the mistake of telling him how awful the K guy kissed. I meant it, but I probably shouldn't have told HIM of all people since they were both friends. Well, I'm pretty sure he ended up telling him because a month or so later, the K guy asked if I would mind if he asked one of my girlfriends to add him as a friend on myspace. She of course agreed, and a few weeks later, he deleted me as a myspace friend and stopped talking to me. The only time he'd speak to me is if I joined him and AA on break, and even then he'd give me attitude. Sooooo...a great friendship lost. But whether it was my fault or a conspiracy between him & AA, I'll never know.   To this day we (K guy) and I still work together and we will only speak when either of us has a work related question. It totally sucks, because I miss him.

The AA guy and I had sex numerous times last year before my husband finally realized something was wrong in our marriage. He confronted me in April of 2007, and I confessed.   I really wanted my marraige to be fixed but already knew in my heart it had been over for a long time....why else would I cheat on him! And, I made another poor decision - I told him EVERYTHING. Yep, EVERYTHING - the who, the where..ugh! We tried working through our marraige, and I ended it with AA. But 1-2 months later, my husband started acting psycho despite our going to counseling. Although he had NEVER been chummy or EVEN spoke to the AA or K guys, he had the balls to sit with them on break one day and try to spark a conversation. WTF!    I had no idea, until the AA came up to me afterwards and asked, "What the fuck is your husband thinking?!"   AA had to tell me everything. I waited all day long for my husband to tell me (Oh, guess I should mention that husband works here too!). But he didn't until after dinner that night. I pretended I didn't know and tried explaining to him how weird "that MUST'VE been" for the other men. He said he was trying to get over the affair, and although he knew he couldn't be friends with them, he wanted to prove that "WE'VE" moved on. Later, HOWEVER, he admitted that he was just being a dick. Whatever...

So, June-August 07 we "tried" being a normal couple again, but after much verbal degredation (on his part) and constant questioning about the affair, I resumed the affair with the AA. He was my only outlet. In September the husband went on a trip by himself. Upon his return, we both realized that our marraige couldn't be salvaged, and we proceeded to separate. Everything was cool and amicable though. We explained everything to the kids and created our own separation agreement, split everything 50/50, and went to a lawyer. We decided we wouldn't finalize the divorce until Jan 08 to allow us to get the Federal tax credit.

AA and I continued our rendez-vous, and I began dating in late September via an online dating site.   I had a crazy few months dating and going out with one of my girlfriends who was also having marital trouble. We did so many crazy things, I'm "almost" embarrassed, but I needed to do it. It was like the college years I never had. And even to this day, I'm wondering if I should just continue doing those crazy things for awhile before I setlle down again.   Yet, when I do have the one night stands, I truly don't enjoy the sex. I really need an emotional connection.   So, I'm still debating that one in my over analyzing brain.

Well, last week I went through one of my withrdrawal modes. I closed my "sex" blog, deleted my account from myspace, and even told the AA guy no when he asked when & where. I told him I need to work through some things which is true, but I think I shut down everything more out of my stupid paranoia or being judged than for actually working through things.   So, now as I type, I'm sitting here missing my AA guy but at the same time know that he'll NEVER be mine. He's married, and he's made it clear that he will NEVER leave his wife because he's want his son 100% of the time, and seriously, what decent mother would actually allow that!   So, I guess that covers the history. Now...should I post my "post divorce sexcapades"???? :)

Posted by MANOUVELLEVIE on 2008-06-23 14:25:10 | Rating: