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Understanding, trust, truth, acceptance....what are these things? In reality, they are nothing more than the only things which can really screw you up. Nothing gets you more than the realisation that you really can't trust the people you thought you could, that the people who you thought understood you more than anyone and accepted you no matter what will put you down and hold a grudge against you for the slightest mistake you make. Whether they are right to say it or you were wrong to trust them really makes no difference to the feeling it causes inside when something goes wrong. I believed her. Every word she said about wanting me, I believed. And stupidly I still do believe it, I just don't know what to do with the information. How can someone who claims to love me screw me up like this? She said, she promised even, that she would never do anything like this again, that everything she did was a mistake, that she didn't 'mean' it. But what does that really mean when most of this seems to be based on lies?
I said I'd be ok, that I may not revert back to how I was if this all goes wrong, but I'm not too sure. I feel like I have invested my life in someone who was never sure whether or not they really wanted me yet neglected to inform me of that, and now not only is the decision of our future in her hands, the decision of my future is effectively in her hands as well.
It's easy for someone on the outside to observe and say 'You'll be fine', but from where I'm standing, it's not that easy. In a way, I can forgive her for anything she's done, but can she forgive me for forgiving her? That's a difficult question to answer, but with her it seems necessary to expect the unexpected in terms of response to difficult situations.
In short, because I don't feel like going over it in great length just now as that is hardly beneficial to my state of mind, if I lose her I lose everything. I will be completely alone, living god knows where, no-one to fall back on, no-one to run to. I won't be able to concentrate on my course; every day at that place would be a constant reminder of her because she is the reason I'm there, I couldn't cope with being there knowing she wouldn't be texting half way through a lecture, knowing she wouldn't be waiting at home for me, only buying food for one. I'll turn into that psycho I used to be, and that's no way to make friends. People will run a mile.
She and I need to move forward together. If we lose each other, neither of us will be able to move forward, and neither of us will be able to go back. We'd be stuck in our moment, with me not being able to see past the future I dream of with her. I could never erase that, nor would I want to. Whatever happens she'll always be there in the back of my mind, my reason for everything, no matter what. That scares me in a way.
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Posted by Louise2008 on 2008-04-11 07:19:21 | Rating: | Views: 38
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