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I have come to the conclusion that I'm just not happy. I mean I have days or moments when I'm happy, but overall I'm not happy. I hate everything at times, well a lot of the time. I feel like an idiot feeling that way though. I have an amazing guy in my life and I have an even more amazing daughter, whom I love with all my heart. Yet I still can't be just happy. I have been so depressed that I have decided to take this semester off from school. I just need time to regroup and get myself together.
No matter how good things are I still manage to find a way to find the bad in every situation. Why the hell do I do that. Why do I torture myself? Why don't I just let myself be happy. The man that I love is laying in bed sleeping, and I was laying there with him, but I couldn't sleep. I just want to lay in bed with him and be happy. But I can't. Here I am in the middle of the night...yet again...typing away just blabbing about how unhappy and depressed I am. I am so freaking pathetic. I swear I need someone to just slap me and be like "Hey...wake up...get your act together and just live".
I was never this depressed before. I was basically fine before. Then everything happened with Jon and I feel worthless. I used to think so highly of myself. I loved myself and I was happy. Then I put my life in his hands and trusted him to be there. Ever since him I haven't been the same. I have been depressed and I have learned to hate myself. He always wanted me to change, but it was to better myself. So I tried to change and I was changing to make him happy. I was telling myself that I wasn't good enough for him and that I needed to change to make him happy and to be happy. It finally got to the point where I was trying to change everything about myself to get him back. I figured if I wasn't the person he now hated, then he couldn't hate me anymore. The more I tried...the more things he found wrong with me and the more things he found to hate about me. Of course making me hate myself even more. He told me what an awful mother I was and that I needed to just kill myself to make her life better and to make the world a better place. To be honest, i started to believe him. I really thought the world would be a better place without me and that my daughter's life would be better without me in it. I figured if I wasn't around then I couldn't screw her up like I screwed myself up. I guess a part of me still believes that. I don't get as many urges to end things like I used to. I used to think about it 3-5 times a day. Now I think about it maybe once a month. I know I shouldn't think about it at all, but still, I can't deny it, I do.
I know in past posts I have made Jon out to be the most amazing guy in the world, and some days to me he is. Some days I think about all the good times we had and how happy I was with him, but days like this is when I realize how bad he was for me. I realize the way he made me feel about myself and how toxic he was for me. I would try to tell myself that he was the best thing out there, but its not true. I can do better. I deserve better. I do not deserve his shit. I have had to tell him that I was a terrible person, a terrible mother, everything. He has told me I was fat adn a bitch and just blah. You don't treat someone you love like that. And it took me forever to realize that. I spent almost 6 years of my life with Jon, so of course it was going to be hard to move on, but I realized that I needed.
I have so many issues with men. Between Jon and my dad it's just awful. I feel like I can't trust any man ever. I always question everything and then it sends thoughts through my head and then it ruins everything. I just assume that every man is going to degrade or demoralize me and treat me like shit. And I actually thought it was normal for men to do things like that. Oh well...enough of that shit.
I love the man I'm with now. He is there for me and he tries to do as much as he can for me. Yes we have our moments when we fight, but who doesn't. And yes I question him and yes it does screw with me, but I have to give him a chance, I can't keep writing every guy off. I love him. |
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Posted by LostMommy19 on 2008-01-11 03:06:27 | Rating: | Views: 240
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I dont know your problems but i do know from what you have said this man has treated you bad. Dont ever let someone make you think your child would be better off without you. That would never be true. You sound like a good mother just for thinking sometjing like that for her good well being so dont think any of that.
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Posted by shawna201985
on 2008-02-02 01:43:08
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