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Back to the beginning...

***Warning***

This may be long...sorry in advance...

So I have experienced a lot in my 22 years. I could start at the beginning but there's not much of a point...basically I will skip all the fights with my parents and my parents fighting with each other and then splitting up when I was about 12. Sooo let's skip ahead to when I was 15 and met the one that changed my life...

So there I was 15 and as screwed up as I possibly could be. I had already been drinking and smoking for 2 years and was ready to continue down the road of getting drunk and doing drugs. Why didn't I continue down that road? Simple...Jon...that's all it took..just him. He was everything I could possibly ask for and more. He had dated a couple ofmy good friends and was best friends with my brother and along the way we became friends. He knew everything about me. I could talk to him about anything and everything. We would spend hours and hours on the phone. Then on July 18th 2001...after an hour of wrestling...I mean actual wrestling like beating each other up...we somehow ended up making out. It was amazing. I think it was right then and there I knew I loved him. Love? What in the world is that? I didn't have the slightest clue. So something new and scary in my life...so what do I do? The next night I go out and get drunk and do some drugs and end up sleeping with someone...not Jon...typical me...trying to push away and hurt those I care about. For some reason he stuck around. I have no idea why and I'm sure he prolly wonders why he did everyday. So after many days and nights on the phone and making out...2 months to be exact....he decided to take "us" to the next level...it was around 4am on Sept 19th 2001...Jon asked me out...after screwing with him...I said yes. I was in heaven. I was now officially with the guy I loved and I knew he loved me too.

So we were officially together and I was on cloud nine. Aww the honeymoon stage. For a couple months we just kissed and kinda messed around...then on Nov. 19th 2001 we made love for the first time. It wasn't what we expected...but it was still so special. After that it seemed like we were unstoppable. We had what seemed like an amazing relationship. Then on our 6 month anniversary...March 19th 2002...there it was...the double lines...PREGNANT

. Yup thats right...pregant. There I am 16 and pregnant. There he is 15 with a pregnant girlfriend. So now what you may ask? Time to tell the parental units...always fun let me tell you. After screaming... crying... fighting... confusion and lots of talking...it was final...we were bringing this baby into the world and we were going to provide for it the best we could. I had a basically easy pregnancy and even easier labor and delivery and on Nov 7th 2002 at 11:03pm the most beautiful baby girl was born. 6lbs 13oz 19.5in. long...and just like that our worlds changed. She was so tiny...so fragile..so scary...and still so beautiful. Soo..lets skip ahead some more...

So the years passed and our daughter was getting sooo big and our love for her grew more and more everyday...and it seemed like our love for each other was diminishing more and more everyday. We dealt with senior year of high school...him leaving for college...and both of us cheating. After everything we were still trying to make it work...because after all we still loved each other...even if it was just a little bit. I stayed in our hometown and took care of Vanessa and his mom helped watch her while I was at work. I missed him like crazy...so back to my old ways it was. I started drinking and smoking again and turned into someone that Jon could never love, but Lord knows he tried so hard. He begged and pleaded with me to change. But I wouldn't do it. I had spiralled so far into a black hole and didn't want to come out. I was always sober when I was with Vanessa, but everytime she was with him mom for the night...I because the irresponsible drunk teenager that didn't care about anyone but herself. Mother by day...drunk by night. Eventually the drinking led to harder drugs. Finally I hit rock bottom. I had lost Jon...I was on the verge of losing my daughter...and I was losing my self respect. I had to straighten myself out. After being arrested a couple of times and going to court multiple times I finally got my act together. I got the crap out of my life and started over.

Starting over was so hard because Jon wasn't there for me anymore. He could only take so much and I put him through more than he should have stuck around for. I enrolled in school and was finally getting my life together. I got into a huge fight with my mom and she kicked me out of the house...for the like 5th time...so I moved in with the one person who was still there for me. My best friend Ryan. Things between Ryan and me were weird. We messed around, but were just friends. So moving on to the Ryan chapter...

Ryan...how can I explain Ryan. He's my best friend. I love him to death. So I moved in with him and soon after doing so I knew things were going to get complicated. He used to date one of my friends and she wasn't okay with us being friends. Plus to complicate things even more...I was starting to develop feelings for him. So the months passed and finally I decided that I was ready to tell him how I felt. So I did. And I feel like it complicated things a lot more. He says he has feelings for me and he wants to be with me at some point, but not now. So we keep things the way they are and continue for a couple more months. Then we talk some more and now we are dating. But I'm not okay with the way things are. I love him...I am IN LOVE with him. I just feel like I am into this way more than he is. I feel like I forced him into this and I hate that feeling. Ryan means the world to me. He helped me through so much. I can't even explain it. I just have this feeling that he doesn't really have feelings for me that he's just playing along because I live with him and he doesn't want things to get weird. I wonder if there are girls that he is interested in and I am holding him back. I am so afraid of being hurt again and I just don't want to do this. I feel that if he did want to be with me then he just would. I may be thinking way too much into this but I can't help it. I feel like I just need to move on and try to find someone who really does want to be with me and isn't afraid to be with me. I just can't do it anymore.

If you continue to read my blogs...you will find that I constantly fight with this. One day I love him and just want to be with him the next I can't do it. I had the hardest break-up with Jon and I just can't go through it again. But I feel that this is long enough so I will end it for now. I'm sure I'll be on again soon if not tonight.