Okay..i don't think this is blog material....but....I've got to talk about it.

My mom.

She never talks about my one the way son,Jacob. At first, she said that she had to get used to the idea.  Okay...that's understandable. It's been about 4 months since then...still nothing.
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I started talkin to her the other day about who would keep him while I'm at work. I just kinda started throwing thoughts around....
I could work nights and let them have their whole day to do what they wanted then when they were home and ready to chill they could keep him. Then I said, well ya'll would want to chill not take care of him. (mom kinda just nodded her head) I said, Okay then...if I work days then I wouldn't have to leave til 10am and I'd be back around 4pm. (she starts reading a book in front of her) Then I said, well then if you wanted to do anything you couldn't because of him.  So I sat there and thought a min. (still nothing from her) Then I said, What about Jeremy. I could drop him off on my way to work during the day and then pick him up before Jeremy went to work that night...That way ya'll wouldn't have to bothered by Jacob at all. (not a word. didn't even look up from her book)

So...at that point I'm hurt. I look down at whatever I'm eating and just want to cry. I sigh a little small sigh. Then I hear mom say, "You okay"
I just looked up at her and said, "Fine, just thinkin about stuff."
She said, "like what?"
I mad at this point. I'm thinking to myself...HAVE YOU NOT HEARD A FREAKIN WORD I JUST SAID?!?!?! I just say, "everything."
No reply.

When I told her I was pregnant...she asked what my decision was about the baby. I told her hands down I was keeping it and was gonna take care of it. but by the way she's acting....t's like she's not even excited at ALL! which I know I'm not married...but this is her only REAL grandchild. she had two granddaughters but they are not blood....mine is.

She hasn't even talked about a baby shower. never buys me anything for him. It's almost like Jacob doesn't exsist. She will not touch my belly. all she ever says to me is, "Isn't that shirt a little too tight?"   I don't have the money to buy a new wardrobe. I have 2 maternity shirts. A pair of maternity jeans. and a pair of black maternity pants for work. That's it.

and then like today...she didn't wanna feed our goats, horses, and cat. so she told me to do it. well...when I first got up I started cleanin my room up cuz we have been movin in and it was a bit of a mess. Then she told me that her and my grandmother were going to jackson (a bigger town close to us where we do our shopping and stuff) and asked if I wanted to go. I said sure. She was busy workin on invoices, and I was cleaning my room. Then she asked, "do you still wanna go with us to jackson?"
"yeah!"
Then she asked, "have you fed the goats yet?" I said no and she said, "Well I ain't waitin." So i went to get dressed to feed the goats....less than a min later as I'm walkin to my car to go feed the goats....I notice her car is gone.  No goodbye....no nothing.   It's like she didn't even want me to go in the first place.     It hurt so bad.

I'm just confused though. She said she was glad that I was gonna take care of the baby. but yet I'm receiving NO support from her whatsoever. I'm not asking her to buy me anything, I'm not asking her to bend over backwards for me.....I'm pregnant with my first child....I'm not ready to be a mom but I'm gonna be one. I'm terrified....and she won't talk to me. I don't know what to expect...I don't know what is normal and what's not. There is a woman at work that is pregnant and I get to talk to her which is fun....and my doctor visits....I get to talk to the doctor......but honestly....I want my mom.

I feel so ashamed....I want to move out so bad because I feel like such a burden. but I can't afford it. So I'm stuck here. Jeremy has asked why don't me and him get a place together....but financially he is not responsible. He said he would get another job and he would let me handle the money.....so maybe it would work....but I wanna be with my mom and dad....the people who said they would love me and be there for me no matter what!!

What has happened to that? Have I messed up that bad?? What do I have to do to show her that I'm sorry. That I'm trying. but I'm scared and just need her to talk to me. I just feel like curling up in a little ball and dying. I feel so unwanted. unloved. and rejected.

I feel like I'm trapped. alone. and in the dark.   I can feel my heart breaking into pieces....
and once again....all I'm asking for is love.   I'm beginning to think it doesn't exsist.