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Well, Jacob is getting bigger and so is mommy’s tummy.
Things are definitely getting harder. It’s so hot outside and the air is broken on my car. At first, we thought it was a fuse. After having a guy look at it, the switch on my dash is bad; meaning, he’d have to order parts from VW; meaning also, lots and lots of money. O’Charley’s has hired a ton of new people. As a result, everyone’s hours has been cut down bad. I’m only working 3 days this week as a To Go Server. I make $5.85/hr. I work an average of 2-3 hours each shift. That’s an average of about $44 a week, $176/month. My insurance alone is over that. I also have a car payment, and cell phone. I’m trying to find another job…but no one seems to be hiring...so financially I’m stressed.
Jeremy and I are no longer talking. In his heart, I believe he is a great man. Life has made him very insecure. Those insecurities are causing us to fight and argue. He calls me a liar and then when I stand up for myself, he apologizes and says he’ll never do it again…yet he does it the next day. He is 31 years old yet will text me at 2:30am telling me he is drunk…and then I later find out that he DROVE drunk. We are going to have a baby soon…he is not proving to me that he is going to be able to take care of a baby. There is no one to keep him but me or him. When I have to work or go to class...he will have to watch Jacob. I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that…but I don’t have a choice. I’m going to have to leave him and if something ever happens to my baby as a result of Jeremy being careless, I swear I’ll never forgive him for being immature or me for leaving Jacob with Jeremy. I honestly don’t believe anything will ever happen like that, but it’s just what is actions are showing me. He also doesn’t respect any of my decisions unless we fight over them to the point I’m stressed totally out and I’m shaking. I talked to my doctor about that and she told me that you need to stay away from that as much as possible. She said babies can sense stuff like that and it isn’t good for them. It’s also not good for me. I have made my decision not to be involved with a guy until after Jacob is born, yet Jeremy still pushes me to make a decision whether we are going to be together or not. I also do not want to do ANYTHING sexual whatsoever. He tries to touch me even when I say no. Then when I push his hand away or say no in an aggravated tone, he gets mad at me and storms off. I also can’t kiss other than a peck on the lips. But at least twice every time we are together he goes to kiss me and will put his tongue to my lips. I feel like he doesn’t care…he says he does. But he’ll look at me and say, “I can’t help it. You’re sexy and I guess I’m just horny.” IF HE FUCKIN CARED ABOUT ME HE WOULDN’T PUSH SHIT ON ME THAT HE KNOWS FULL WELL MAKES ME SICK. I can’t help it. I can barely brush my teeth without gagging. Food is about the only thing I can comfortably put in my mouth. He ALSO says he doesn’t care if we don’t have sex. WHO WOULD KNOW? He can’t just hold my hand. He tries to touch my sexual ways and I’m just not comfortable with it. I tell him that and he wants to go and accuse me of “fucking” someone else. Is he really showing me that he loves and cares for me? NO!!!! Anyways…I also have emotional stress on top of my hormones going up and down with being pregnant.
But…I do have some good things going on. I have friends at work that listen and let me vent. They make me smile. They rub my belly and really care about how I’m doing! Thank you so much guys. I love you all!!
There is also another guy friend of mine. He is just absolutely amazing. There are so many things I love about him. He’s a really sweet guy…yet can really pull off the “bad boy” look. He’s understanding, caring, sweet, loving. He is also strong and taller than me (Yay). He is such a good guy. He doesn’t smoke. He used to but he quit because HE wanted to…not because of me. He does drink but that doesn’t bother me. He’s in the military. He knows I’m pregnant and that doesn’t bother him. He respects my decision of not wanting to get involved in a relationship. He flirts with me (*wink*) but doesn’t ever push me to make a decision about the two of us. There is nothing going on between us other than we know we like each other. We also realize that now is not the time. I do find myself getting too attached and sometimes not treating him just as a friend. I get jealous when he hangs out with or even talks about girls. I sometimes find myself getting mad when he hangs up with me to go hang out with his guy friends. But…I realize it, take a deep breath, and calm down. I think everything through and it doesn’t bother me anymore. But just that right there has proved to me that I have grown up a lot just since finding out I was pregnant. I’m finally sticking to a decision. :-) Back to him though…he is really great and I hope that one day…maybe…just maybe…we will be able to be together. If not, at least I have one of the greatest friends a girl could ever have…oh and, not to mention, one of the best looking guys around! Omg…his smile…could make you faint…or at least it did me. ;-)
Things with Mom and Dad are going great. Sometimes, on my crabby days, I can get pissed off at Mom and Dad but for the most part…I’d rather be at home with them than anywhere else. Mom and Dad have even noticed that I have become more loving towards them. And I have. It will come over me sometimes and random moments where I just want to tell them I love them. I love hugging them and giving them kisses. I love being around and doing stuff for them. I miss them when I’m gone. They fully support all of my decisions and they are actually proud of me. I’ve never said and never thought I would ever say any of that…but being pregnant has changed a lot about me.
I stand up for myself more than ever. My grandmother thinks it’s because I’m growing up, Mom agrees with that too. I think it is some of that and also Jacob. Any decision I make will affect his life. It’s not just about me anymore. It’s about him!! Everything is about him now and I am so happy! I cannot wait to hold his little body in my hands and experiencing the bond between a mother and her child. I can’t wait for the moment that he is upset and the only thing that will calm him is his mother’s arms. I haven’t met him yet…but I love him so much. I don’t know what I would do without him. :-)
Well…I suppose everything that I wanted to talk about has been talked about. I know it was long…but thank you for reading it! When I write…I don’t just write. I pour my heart into it. All the while I’m writing I’m crying, getting mad…I’m feel everything I write…as I write it. I enjoy writing…but don’t tell my Professors that. I only enjoy writing things that I can relate to. :-)
Anyways, thank you all for your love and support of me and little Jacob. I can’t wait for you all to meet him. I know he’ll love you all just as much as I do! Thanks again!
<3 Morgan and Jacob <3
Muah…you know who you are. ;-)
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