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| Straight up confused and uncertain
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Sure I've never been happy about being alone and single, but I've been OK with it as such, now though, now it is driving me to distraction, frustration, (even a little depression, I realized the other day that it has been 6 yes SIX years since I've had as much as a real kiss) I can barely think straight some times, I have no concentration or focus. I feel as if every cell of my body has been hollowed out, drained and sucked dry.
I cant even tell if my thoughts and feelings are even my own sometimes any more.
I don't want to be where I am, in anything, I know it's a good thing to want more for myself, I have a much greater sense of myself and deserving more, but I have absolutely no-where else to be and nothing (and no one :P ) else to do.
Oh, and this 'connection', I do not want it, OK thats not strictly true, I do not want it under these circumstances, in fact I never really imagined such a link with another person, it's one thing to have a 'feeling' about something it's completely another to feel ill when they are sick, to have a headache when they do, to be unable to sleep because they can't, to have my skin tingle because they itch and other things that I don't want to get into. All this is too much for just a friend, it just cant be right, cruel even. To just curl up when your unwell, to want to be held and to hold, feeling each other and your selves all at once, the thought is quite exhilarating if it were with a partner, but too feel that with someone you can't just curl up with. There is just something wrong with all this and for a change I know it's not something in me that's wrong, I've tried to tell myself its me like the usual self depreciating crap that I put myself through but I can't, I've become self aware of doing this and have changed, more that I realized at first. Frustratingly enough that too is partly because of this connection, I'm both better because of it and also the most frustrated Ive ever been too, I'd say give up but why would I give up something that makes me want to become and be more, the last few months I have been different, still me, still my thoughts and issues, just clearer, more certain about a lot of things, I say I have lost direction but that's not really the case it's more like I never had one previously and didn't care, now I want something and either don't know what or just can't have it.
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Posted by Long on 2008-04-11 07:03:40 | Rating: | Views: 198
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love the article, esp. second paragraph (One line). I feel that too sometimes.
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Posted by ffeeona
on 2008-04-11 07:09:20
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i swear i could pretty much copy-paste this blog and enter it as my own. well, at least a month ago, or maybe still. i'm currently in a state of not letting myself figure out the exact dynamics of what i'm in.
but after reading this blog, i felt an urge to break off into a familiarity-approval with all the "oh my god! me too!"s thrown in it.
the connection u speak of is a dangerous field my friend. the connection doesn't wait for the relationship dynamics to settle in before it takes effect. and more often than not, it ends up killing u softly. the singularity, u speak of, is extremely intense. the pure desire enhanced by an emotional roller coaster can drive u to insanity at times! those who find the one 'cnnection' we all seek, in their partner are indeed lucky.
untill recently i believed that it is something not designed for us all. i believed that it is meant for some people and others are left to suffer the connection in "just a friend."
and i considered myself the last person to be a part of that. not that i didnt have a sense of self worth. i guess its just something i got used to.
and then, one day, i find myself having these thoughts and feelings for this person. and she responds back. holding on tighter to every thought in my mind. painting every dream. intensifying every desire. and even though i'm not physically with her right now, i know i will be some day. and till then i shall wait. because i know nothing will seem as meaningful as it will with her.
i lost faith and faith found me. i belive now. and i believe it will find you as well. dont let the feeling of complete helplessness devour u just yet. grab onto whatever speck of light u may have, and hold on tight. dont lose hope. keep putting urself out there. and faith shall find you as well...
i wish it for you. i believe it will...
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Posted by Slash
on 2008-04-11 07:31:33
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slash has said it all, long...and said it beautifully. At this point, in my normal life, I'd have told you how you are better off being single. But my life has been turned upside down as you've noticed :) Its got a new meaning...so inspite of hell breaking loose...I still have my hope and my sunshine in SM.
I know you'll find that too. Dont ignore your heart...listen to it. It makes sense if you listen long enough...sense that nothing "practical" in the world ever will...
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-04-11 07:46:45
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Aww, Long...I'm sending you internet kisses...MUWAH!!! That sounds awful. Keep your head up, your time will work out.
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Posted by whoiam
on 2008-04-11 23:56:33
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just when you are ready to give up ... it will happen... just never stop looking. :)
Good Luck!
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Posted by EasyToSay
on 2008-04-12 06:33:08
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hmm E2Say, I pretty much had given, then the universe puts this person infront of me, points out that She is not just everything but more than I had known I needed (yes needed not just wanted). Then laughs at me and says you can't have it.
How to explain....
You have this image in your heart of a person, not just a figure but spirit, the essence, The Person wholly. Your mind on the other hand says that's a fantasy, just hope to get as close to that Person as you can in a partner. Well I've had to expand on that image not reduce it.
To give an example, I've alway known I'd need a person that would 'push' me and have always considered that a practical/physical/literal thing. with Her though I find that I am pushed to do things just because of how I reac to Her, no prompting needed. So I have had to change that image.
I don't know if that makes sense or not?
For me it's a pretty big and unexpected thing to find that 'perfect person' image that was built up in my heart falls short of reality, normally it's the other way round and reality falls short of what your minds says is just a heart-fantasy.
thank you guys for the support.
Hugs and kisses right back at ya.
Hmm maybe a handshake and pat on the back for Slash :P
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Posted by Long
on 2008-04-12 10:10:10
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thanks for considering a gay barrier Long! appreciate it man! :D
nothing against anyone though...
(politically correct vibes all around)
i know its hard to believe that anyone will understand what ur feeling at times. but i have so been where u are! i've been here only about a couple of weeks ago! my heart's version of perfect fell short of this person i met! and destiny, it seems, is not without a sense of irony. i agree. but this person i speak of found me in a situation where i couldn't be with her. slowly the wheels of fortune turn, not used to the motion from gathering rust the past years of my life. and now i see this going a future. i see the fields of my dreams aren't too far away. they seemed in another galaxy once. ha, i speak of 'once' as if it were the beggining of time. the 'once' i speak of was a month ago long! for me.
then why can't your 'once' be this month?
i believe u will look back one day on these blogs and wonder what u did right to be with her. u will be with her. i believe in it. fate has given me no choice but to believe in it!
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Posted by Slash
on 2008-04-12 10:43:39
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"thanks for considering a gay barrier Long! appreciate it man!"
ROFL..
Just didn't want to make your gf jelous is all Slash :P LOL
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Posted by Long
on 2008-04-13 01:26:41
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Ahem...wont comment on the vibes between you and Slash here ;) but...yes I will
agree with Slash...dont stop believing. If you want something strong enough you will get it. Besides, you're a guy who deserves the happiness. So just hang in there :)
DISCLAIMER: This whole wanting enough and getting theory has been disproved in the past since I STILL dont have a dog, but i continue to believe :D
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-04-14 00:53:17
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well it works like this Angelbabe like most things in this Unverse it goes is threes.
1. You thoughts/thinking for the object is the 1st lvl of making it happen.
2. You the need to put it to words, now the philosophy on this generally means to 'speak it' but I wonder if writing it counts, I guess as long as it is being communicated.
3. Get off you arse and go buy the Dog if you want one! Umm I mean put the words to action.
Of course we generally get stuck at 3. if I had 'done' something at the first moment I knew of my feelings before She had actually been on a date rather then just interested in Him then it may all be differant, Yay for procrastination and abject fear of rejection. Now all I can do is see if a chance ever arrives again or get over it. (hoping for the first option of course)
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Posted by Long
on 2008-04-14 03:11:48
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Yes..go with the first option. If it was that easy with '3', I'd have two dogs, and one of them with her litter and everything by now. However, there are a lot of unseen forces that come into play when we reach '3'. In your case its Him, in my case its Her (My mom, who thinks she'll be stuck with the responsibility of looking after the dog) :( So there. Thats a fullstop. But I continue to want, and I live in the hope that I shall get it :D
I also wanted a pet dolphin...but somehow gave up on THAT hope :)
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-04-15 02:25:37
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Pet Dolphin cool. That's easy, become a marine biologist, get a job at a marine park, witht that kinda pay you'd get you own place and that fixes the Dog problem too.
Hmm as for Him. Well I do know some mafia looking types that owe me a favour ROFL.. joke.
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Posted by Long
on 2008-04-15 03:45:34
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I always wanted to do marine biology, actually. Maybe someday i can do like a one month volunteering thing somewhere...very Free Willy...Man, I so totally LOVE that movie....
Mafia looking types ;) Nice...
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Posted by angelwings
on 2008-04-16 02:25:39
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