nice blog, i can understand where your coming from, TOUGH LOVE is something that is major in our family. GREAT blog, by the way.

thanks! Nice to know that you understand.. I was kind of getting ready for maybe something different.. I know we're all fierce child protectors.. but.. occasionally, it's not necessarily inhuman.. Thanks for taking the time.. xx

Lola - I don't judge, not at all. When I was young my father beat me just as his father had beat him. I am trying to deal with it, more than 50 years later. I believed I was a 'bad' child, but looking back, I wasn't - I was just testing the water. I didn't deserve what I got, yet I realise he didn't mean to do what he did to me - he thought he was doing it for the best. He was imitating the parenting he had experienced himself. I hated him beating my brother although he didn't do it often. Once, when my brother had stolen a tiny car from a shop (he was very young) my father beat him and I beat my father! I don't know where I got the courage but I did it. Then I ran away to my Granny's who made me tea and cake in front of a roaring fire and met my father head on when he arrived to take me home. I have a sneaking feeling he admired my spirit. However, I believe now that a gentle smack is good, but beating is very, very bad. There are other ways of disciplining children and they are what works. This was a great post, direct from your heart. Bless you.

Thank you OTH, for sharing your experiences. It is heart warming that you opened up such memories.

I do believe that what my dad did to me, was definitely NOT ideal parenting (we are talking about my father.. touchy..) . But.. I guess, you have to see my view, know what I know, feel what I feel.. to really grasp it. Maybe I am not expressing it or describing it clearly enough. Beating is bad.. it is.. most definitely (bad, bad, bad).. but - to say that my father did wrong in raising me the way he did.. I can't. Because it is a part of who I am, of my upbringing. My strength. I would be (insert craziest wreckless girl who would be god knows where) if it were not for the teachings of my parents. I truly believe that. Or maybe it's all I know - and I'm thankful for how I turned out. Either way, I don't carry it as a burden.

and thank you for not judging. xx

Chemicals,

Child abuse of course is wrong. My heart literally breaks at every story I hear on the news regarding the fact, each and every time.

However in MY (nothing to do with my children) particular case, I didn't feel that way as strongly as you, an outsider, that only sees the word "beatings" and automatically assumes its like in the news or the movies.

And this aspect of my life, has nothing to do with my children, because I know to separate the fact - in my heart - in my mind - and in my most clearest judgment. You set me off when you brought my children into it. Do not assume so quick. You are flat out wrong on that one.

My father's intentions WERE good, noble in fact. His actions were not always just - but I still without question - thank him for it. You don't know him nor me.. you cannot say indefinitely.

And naturally you have every right to defend your judgment.. I even thank you for it.

Thom - thank you!!!!! sheesh!

Lola,

I have a very good understanding of Chinese culture, so I understand where your dad was coming from, and although I don't agree with severe beatings with regards to parenting, because there are more effective methods.

When you mentioned your Dad's Chinese heritage, I understood immediately what you were saying; and the Chinese culture may be misunderstood by many people, and perhaps they are more familiar with child abuse in the anglo-saxon countries, which is very different than Oriental societies, especially the Chinese.

And I understood your father's shame in having the police come to the house to confront him concerning child abuse, it must have been a humiliating experience for him. Chinese people are particularly tough; physically, mentally, and spiritually, and it is (in many cases) how they teach their children to be the same way.

I am glad to see that you have learned from your experience, and found a more effective means of child discipline, which sometimes includes a whack on the behind, and you children will benefit greatly from this.

My father hit us with a belt when I was a child, but it was not abusive by any means, it might even be considered "child abuse" by todays "over-the-top" laws, since he used a belt occassionally. My father was a saint by any definition.

Thanks for sharing that post.

- Thom

Well.. thank you Thom.. for all of that. You say it so much better than I. You definitely "get it." Thank you.. so much. xx

Though I appreciate your devotion to your father and his culture, I still find it sad. I grew up around some abuse - not nearly as severe as what you saw and I see the damage and pain that has lasted for decades. The effects have crossed generations and will continue to if the younger ones have children. So although I admire your strength, compassion and reasoning, your story makes me want to cry for you. Cultural norms are like superstitions, we believe they will jinx us if we go against them when in reality there are many paths to the same point or a better point. It is acceptable to love even those who abuse us, but not acceptable to condone the behavior. Punishment should fit the crime. Also, you were not bad, you were a child, an innocent. As parents it is our job to be the safe haven, the protectors. My heart goes out to you and I hope I have not been offensive in this comment. Our minds desperately try to understand and explain how a person who loves us can hurt us, that never goes away. Our bodies retain the memories as well. I understand parents very often use only what was used on them, but, it does not exonerate them, especially if they learn it is wrong and still continue the behavior.
This is only my opinion and perhaps a knee jerk reaction to what I read. My heart goes out to you. I truly am sorry for what was done to you. You were an innocent.

And Lola, I am not judging you. I admit to judging your father though I understand he was only acting on the information he had at the time. I am glad you came out of it as unscathed as you did and I admire you for being so loving in spite of what you went through. I just react emotionally to anything that hurts children.

oh vestiges, please don't cry for me.. and no I don't find it offensive. If anything, it just says you care, and feel for me.

Someone had came on here, very strung on kind of saying what you are saying, but to a much more aggressive and harsher degree. Her and I shared about a dozen comments, before she understood my point, apologized and deleted her own comments. So, I don't have it in me to repeat those same words. Also because I'm just popping in.

But, I shared this post to shed some light, that generalizations always have the exceptions, and I was fully aware it would rub some people the wrong way. Like the tags say, it's my side of the story. Your words are sweet.. warm at times. Thank you for that. <3

xx

Let me just add to the post that making immediate assumptions in any case, would be narrow minded. I do it too, we all do it. But, if I've learned something, it's you cannot judge and make immediate assumptions on everything. You cannot hold things at face value, or the very popular - judge a book by its cover. You will find yourself disappointed and even sorry on some cases. You do not know my journey.

In my defense, I had a lot of benevolent and KIND, caring people in my life growing up. Adults. Mentors. I was if you must know, surrounded by them. (Stories that would warm an entire house - also contributing to who I am) I hung out at friends' houses all the time. I most definitely am not my culture, or defined there in - past posts will state that. I am my own person.

Now that I have married a Vietnamese man, being Americanized my whole life, I continue to go against the grain. I do not conform so easy as one would assume. I have my own mind, my own conscience, and my own views. I stand in concrete, in most of my beliefs.

Please do not shoot the assumption gun.. because it is insulting.

Know that people do learn/grow from experiences.

And lastly, as I stated in my post, I do not, in any way, shape or form, condone or participate in child abuse, or "beatings." Or any aggressive means anywhere in the vicinity there of. I feel ridiculous for even having to defend myself.. but.. I do want it out there.

That is all. Thank you.

Thanks for sharing LV.

and thank you for reading it Mike.. have a great weekend xx