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cold

My heart is kicking and screaming. My family visits me for the first time at my apartment to evacuate me from it. I had been there for two years, and I was kind of happy to see them, but I had built this life around me that they had not been involved in. The from the cold of february they come in and start taking my boxes. I know know that if they hadn't I would have never been able to myself. I am standing in my living room after I unbolt the door to let them in,
"I don't know, I don't know if I am ready yet, I haven't got everything packed yet." I cry from an exhausted heart.
"We are here to get you and your stuff out of here, you just do what you can and don't worry about it." My mom says as she rushes into my kitchen and starts brewing some coffee. We need coffee because the winter weather is brutal today. The wind is blowing hard and cold enough to cut through sheet metal. It burns my face as I load my things onto the truckThere is snow blowing in the wind, but not enough snow falls to make it pretty or poetic, its just making the walk in and out of the door very cruel. I feel like my privacy is being invaded throughly as my parents pack up my bed room stuff and I have to tell them, "No, that is William's." the guy that is nowhere near the apartment today. He could have at least helped me move my stuff out. It takes a few hours and all my life is on the back of a pickup truck. I am 20 years old and my life is boxed up and strapped to a truck. I take the long drive back to the unheated basement room I am going to be occupying. Its official. I need a heating blanket. The next day I drive back to the apartment to pick up a few things that were left behind. I send the letter to my landlords explaining the situation, fortunately I was no longer legally tied to the lease since we were on month to month at that point. William comes in while I am there and we discuss the remainng details. I teach him how to pay the electric bill and how to send off the rent check. I had taken care of all that for him before. The only responsiblity he ever had was to give me his share towards our bills. He always did, but now he had to manage his money on his own. I showed him how. After I finished doing that, he said he was going to need my key. "Why do you need my key so soon? I might need to come back I still have a few things in here you know?"I question.
"Well, my buddy Andrew is moving in tomorrow." He proclaims.
"Andrew? Why am I not surprised, now you will have someone with a car that can help you do all the things you don't have the backbone to do with your damn self." I fire off, and we argue about it.
"You know what, you can have the key for him, it just goes to show how little you care about me, here I came over here and took the time to show you how to take care of things, and now you are going to move someone in here that you can become codependent on, I am not surprised, but the hell if I am not dissappointed and offended.......what makes you know your VOICES aren't going to start telling you to hurt Andrew?" I ask because I want to know.
" I don't but yes, I need someone here, I am afraid of being alone." he responds.
"You will always be afraid if you never try to do it on your own." I sigh and throw whatever remaining items I see that belong to me into a trashbag that I am going to exit with.
"Hey thats mine!" WIlliam says about a record I know I bought.
" Hey, thats bullshit!" I say back and take the record out of the bag and toss it to him.
"Well, even though I probably still have the receipt for it because I am responsible for my stuff, take it, because whenever you listen to it, it won't sound good knowing it ain't yours and you freakin stole it!" I am just bitter at this point.
I give William my key. MY key. There was a time I remember thinking about how that key symbolized my first jump into self reliance and how now it was just a thing that was no longer mine, and a bittersweet accomplishment for someone else to pocket without thought, without care. That key meant so much to me, now it meant nothing. I gave William his ring back too. I told him, " Just promise me you will give it to someone that is better than me, that way I know that noone else will ever get to wear it."
That ring to this day has yet to grace another girl's finger.

Posted by LivesLikeLife on 2008-07-31 12:04:41 | Rating: