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Rational Thoughts

I wonder lately if I am loosing my mind. See, I feel completely rational. However, when people listen to me talk, they look at me funny. It's as if they are seeing a ghost, a shadow of my former self, recently replaced by someone who is insane. Why is it that sometimes, what you know is right, seems crazy to everyone else? While I know that my friends and family love me, and just want good things for me, I do wish that they could trust me a little more. I have lived a life of rational, sensible decisions. Nothing too wild or crazy. I've never made any major decisions that I regret. And yet, I am treated as if my judgment in people is too far off to be trusted. As if I am not wise enough to choose who to love. But I have. See, I have kept it all to myself for the past 2 years. Now he's back in my life, turning it upside down, and no one gets it. While, before I met him, I would have been saying exactly what all my well-meaning loved ones are saying, it's different now. Is it so impossible to believe that there is love out there so powerful and deep, so pure and complete, that people are unable to accept it because it's too frightening. If the kind of love I'm talking about does exist, then that could shake people to their core when they look at the relationships they have. They could, and some cases would, find something sorely lacking.

Here's what I'm trying to say I guess. I'm in love. There is a man who broke my heart 3 years ago. A man who has been steadily in and out of my life for 5 years. Somehow, in all that time, my love developed from something young and shallow, until something deep and lasting. So deep and lasting, that I am completely unable to imagine myself with anyone else. In some ways it would be easier if he walked away, but he does in some capacity, love me too much to completely let things go. Or maybe, he loves himself too much to completely let things go. But that's the thing, whatever his motivation, if he wants to be with me, then I want to be with him. After almost a year of peace and torture, he is back in my life. While in some ways, it was an amazing time where I attempted to move on... had some fun, and learned a lot, it was also completely miserable. When you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. Don't ask me how I knew, but I knew that he would be back. He always comes back. This is a very confusing post, because I am so very divided.

I love him with my whole heart. I would, without hesitation, lay down my life for him. What is best for him is what I want, over anything that is best for myself. It's scary to feel that way. Most people wouldn't understand. In fact, my friends all think I'm crazy. They think I'm loosing myself, that I'm giving things up for him, that he doesn't deserve to be loved like this. They think that I'm being dramatic, that if I just gave myself some time, I could get over him. That if I just had a more open mind, I could find someone else. They're right. I could get over him, I could find someone else, I could live my whole life without him if I thought it was the right thing. If I thought thats what he needed, if I knew that he found someone out there better for him than me, then I would away and not look back. But while the rational thing seems so apparent to those outside my mind, I look at everything and I think.... is there anything rational about love?

I don't think so.

But now.... he's gone again. And here I am.... again. Stuck between the decision to move on, or wait. That decision almost seems silly now though, because whether I move on with someone else, or wait, I'm still going to love him. I'm not ever going to stop. So is it fair to bring someone else into this? Because no matter how great any guy that might come into my life is, the second my love comes back, I'll go back to him. I won't even have to think. It's happened already and I've broken hearts. But is there that small chance that there is someone out there better for me? Because while I know I am the best for him.... is he the best for me?