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| I Never want to fall in love. Ever. |
I know i haven't written anything in a long while.... but its mostly because i havent had any real issues going on that i wanted or needed to talk about....
However there is something on my chest right now and i just want my words to go .... somewhere...
I never want to fall in love.
It is strange to say I know but it is truth.
I fear loss.
I fear death and grief. Mourning and having to deal with things i can hardly comprehend.
I do not want to fall in love because i do not want to chance falling out of love
i do not want to chance losing someone before i am ready to lose them
I do not want to sacrifice my heart into something that i cannot protect it from
I cannot give my heart to god, for i do not trust him with it.
I fear love.
I fear hate
and loss
and death of someone i hold so dear.
I am going to be heart broken as it is 15-20 years from now when my cat passes on from old age. I am afaird that even her death will cause such trauma to my own breath of life that i may follow her.....and this is just a cat.
I can't imagine what i would feel if my heart sang for another huiman being
I do not know how i would be able to live if i lost the love of my life
but then i think about how many things i would miss out on if i deny myself this one small amount of courage this one small amount of faith in god and his purpose in my life and how he will determine the general flow of what it is that i am put on this earth to do.
I saometimes wonder if i would ever be able to love.
For my fear is so strong of rejections and betrayals for it is all i have really known and all i have really seen... and then you see these things
things all the time
of those worth having
dieing and leaving thier families behind doing one selfless act.
One selfless deed
just being themselves and the good person that they are and being punished for such a selfless act.
Protection from this world, does not exist
Protection from heartbreak and loss exists only merely in the abstinece of any sort of social relationship with anything.
Dissasociation from anything and everything is what i crave so desperately that i sometimes wonder and think that mine own death would just be the benefit to everything and anything
to life its self.
To me the only answer in life is inevitable death. its the only sure thing a person can cnout on.....
its just always about your paths, your directions, the way you get there.
and when.
sometimes i do not care if i end up in limbo. I do not care if my soul shrivals into nothingness and i no longer exsist on any plane.
our world is so strange and wonderous.
so filled with miracles and disaters
they try to encourage you to look on the bright side
they try to remind you that there is good in the world
along side the bad
but i care for none of it none of it at all
I never want to fall in love. I never want to lose that love. I never want to ache so badly.
I never want to be angry with god for when i finally find the one true thing that makes me happy in life and have him take it away from me or me away from them..... I dont want to be angry with god.
I fear love.
I never want to fall in love.
Ever.
My Soul cries and bleeds for such loss
My soul aches and yearns for freedom.
My spirit dwindles like the dieing flames of a forlorn candle in the breeze of the night air.
Its only a matter of time before my so broken heart, will turn to ash and i will be done with the world around me. and i will be done with the soul that i have been given and my faith will waver and my heart will bleed.....
I dont want to hate God.
I never want to fall in love....
Ever.
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Posted by LittleStar on 2008-03-26 00:36:07 | Rating: | Views: 182
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